Auntie Rachel's Grab Bag

Every once in a while I have a random assortment of subjects to write about that aren't quite substantial enough to merit their own entry, so it felt best to include the lot of them under the above catch-all title so I can get them out of my system already.

First, my personal state. Not good, to say the absolute least. And I'm having to say as little as possible these past few weeks, because a severe bout of bronchitis that I've been struggling with since shortly after New Year's has pretty much put my voice out of commission. The most distressing thing is that it has wiped out a considerable portion of my upper vocal range, meaning that for the first couple of weeks, I sounded a bit like the late Jack Klugman after he had throat surgery. There's been some improvement since, but nowhere near enough.

It's been the cause of considerable anxiety and periods of serious depression. For a long time, I refused to even speak on the telephone for fear of hearing that dreaded "sir."

I depend on my voice for passability, since my face and body all too easily betray my birth gender. Consequently, I have cornered the market on Mucinex in an effort to keep my lungs clear, and have tried just about every home remedy my friends have suggested (everybody I know has at least one--I could fill a book with the unsolicited advice I've received). The Mucinex is expensive stuff, though, and threatening to drain my resources dry.

I apologize to Hutcho, as I've not felt up to devoting as much time to the Mixed Tape collection as I normally do--which is a shame, since I did want to make minor changes to my most recent contribution. I have several stories in the pipeline, however, and will most likely have an entry come February.

On the subject of writing, I am seriously considering taking down the aborted Christmas story I began--and abandoned--two years ago ("The Christmas Ivy Bloomed"). Before I do so, however, I have a question for the admin-type persons: if I delete a story, do I lose all the kudos I received for it?

I'd rather not lose them unless I have to, but the story needs a serious overhaul. I'm going to have to eliminate certain characters and focus on the main protagonists (the whole ice-skating subplot will have to go). My original idea was to have my main characters snowed in and forced to deal with one another, so I want to make the story as claustrophobic as I can.

If I can get that story to at least a satisfactory state of completion, it'll buoy my confidence when I write subsequent stories (such as the long-discussed transgender child star idea). It just irks me that I've left something incomplete, as I'm sure it does readers.

Since I've had considerable more success with the short-shorts of the Mixed Tape collection, it could well be that I'm better suited to the short form.

Getting back to the subject of voice and passability, I happened to be looking at Melanie Anne Phillips' site--in particular her video diary.

Yes, I know how some of you feel about her, but one entry of hers proved particularly insightful:

The first thing I noticed was that she looked haggard--a far cry from the confident. pretty, feminine individual of the instructional tapes--and soon learned why.

In 2005, she was actually considering de-transitioning, as her confidence in her appearance had been shaken by a couple of incidents in which she'd been read. (Something I find impossible to believe, since even in her exhausted, sans -makeup state, she looked feminine). She felt the advancing years had done their dirty work on her face, that she wasn't as cute as she had been in earlier years (again, I couldn't see it). She spent the entire video entry taking the camera through various parts of her house, so she could see how her face looked in different lighting conditions.

In short, she was having a crack-up as bad as mine in 2012, if not worse.

Now, you have to understand--she was my role model, my idol, in the early years of my transition. The ideal example of what could be accomplished if one had the money, determination, and time.

How could she, of all people, have exactly the same anxieties, neuroses, and concerns as I, her "sister" in the trans community? (Or "ugly stepsister," depending on your point of view). If she, as beautiful as she is, could have such concerns, it made me wonder whether I was deluding myself about my own appearance.

Though in a way I suppose it was comforting, that even the great Melanie Anne Phillips had flaws under the surface. I don't mean to sound as if I'm gloating over her misfortune. The video simply served to bring her down from Olympus and a little closer to my level, and told me that the insecurities we in the trans community feel are universal.

I hope people weren't too concerned about my absence (particularly Dorothy, Jaci and Drea). I'm still here--but let's just say I'm not going to be up to any form of oral communication for a while.