A New Style of Education - Part 20

"We've got something to tell you all," said Helen, taking a deep breath.

We were all sitting in the year one common room before lunch. Earlier we had received a message from Rachel telling us that things were being arranged and it might be advisable to tell the rest of the year. I was sat next to Helen with my arm round her, when Helen announced she had news. Everyone quickly gathered round.

"We won't bite or judge," said Jessica, seeing the worried look on Helen's face.

"David and I will be starting a course soon that will help both of us learn how to be more male. So from tomorrow, I will be living as Christopher."

"I didn't think you wanted to be a boy," puzzled Lewis, breaking the shocked silence.

"I don't," smiled Helen. "I was so bad at it on Mix-up Monday that I thought it would be a good idea."

"What about you David?" asked Brian.

"I don't know who or what I am," I replied shakily, still finding it hard to talk about it.

"David didn't want to be Jayne, but has realised that he's always acted like a girl. David just wants to be happy and has never wanted to be a girl. David is doing the course to see if he can be happy, as he thinks he should be."

Emma, Jessica and Lewis all looked horrified.

"What?!" I said to all three of them.

"Nothing," Emma mumbled.

"Come on, out with it."

"It's like turning your back on who you really are," Emma replied. "It's like you're trying to live by other peoples expectations instead of being yourself."

"That's not on," suddenly burst out Jill, jumping to her feet. "David doesn't know who he is, or what he wants. Unless David tries, he'll never find happiness. He'll always wonder if he made the right choice. David needs to go with who David wants to be. You have no more right than anybody else to tell David what he should be. If David wants to try and be male, then he should. If he wants to paint his face green, stick antenna's onto his head and pretended to be an alien, then we should be asking how we can help and not to criticise."

"I'm sorry," said Emma. "You're right. I was assuming that anybody who acts like a girl would want to be a girl. You have to do what's right for you."

Jessica and Lewis mumbled their apologies. I looked shocked at Jill. It was rare for her to take a stance on something and I thought she might have had similar views to Emma, Jessica and Lewis. Anna pulled Jill onto her lap and looked proudly at her.

"What are you going to do on this course?" Lewis asked.

"We don't know the full details," said Helen. "Speech therapy, lessons in walking and acting like a man, and other items we haven't been told about yet."

After lunch we had our language lesson. We were told that the exam board, after some discussions, had agreed in principle to the request for an early exam. Today we had to do some coursework under controlled conditions. I'm certain that the way we were immersed into the French language helped. Talking, hearing and seeing French increased the speed of learning. We had to quickly learn the language, as we weren't allowed any other way to communicate.

"On Friday we will have a practice for some of the spoken French exam requirements. You had a go with role-play yesterday. I want each of you to take a card. You will be expected to talk about what's on the card for about ten minutes and then answer questions for another ten minutes. We therefore have a double period for language studies, so you'll miss English."

We all grabbed a card as we filed out and groaned when we saw the subject. Tonight was going to take some thinking. I decided I would dictate some ideas onto the PDA and see what points I could flesh out.

When it was time for orchestra practice, we all rushed to the hall. Having such a gap, without formal practice, seemed strange and we were all eager to play together. Just because there hadn't been any formal orchestra practice hadn't stopped us practicing or playing when we wanted. The music practice rooms were always booked during official break times, such as weekends and evenings.

When we were all settled, sans music, Mrs Russell said, "I'd like to thank you all for the outstanding performances in Paris. You played better than I've ever heard you play those pieces before. You made all the members of staff proud that you represent the school. Well done. Lewis is going to pass out the two pieces of music that we will play in the unscheduled trip. I'll answer any questions you might have when you have all had a look at them. We'll play Schubert's Third and Beethoven's First on the final trip.

Lewis passed the music. I was given first horn and Kevin second.

"I said it would happen," said Kevin.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you are a better horn player than me, but I'm sure I'm far better than you on the violin."

"Since I've never tried, I'm sure your right."

I was glad that he wasn't upset. I looked at what we'd been given; The Armed Man - A Mass for Peace by Karl Jenkins and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

"I've never heard of the Karl Jenkins piece," I said quietly. "In fact I've never heard of Karl Jenkins. Doesn't Beethoven's Ninth have a choral movement?"

"Yes," he replied. "I wonder if the extension to the sleeping quarters is to hold a choir. Karl Jenkins is a Welsh composer who has written some ground breaking modern suites. The Armed Man, like most of his pieces, is choral."

We didn't have long to speculate, as Lewis soon had all the parts dished out. Mrs Russell quickly called us all to order.

"Any questions?" asked Mrs Russell with a smile. She knew we weren't stupid.

"I take it there will be a choir joining us," said Susan from her position as principal cellist. "Or is Mr Hobson going to be the solo tenor."

"Until the choir get's here, I will indeed be singing the solo tenor," said Mr Hobson, coming in from lurking on the sides. "Mr Yates the bass, Julia alto and Becky is doing soprano. Other teachers will be lending their weight to being the choir."

"So the building work is to house a choir?" asked Kevin.

"Yes. We have a sister school in America which have accepted our invitation to play together. That school is larger than ours, so they'll not only provide the choir, but also supplement the orchestra where needed. We need more players for the double-bass, horn, trumpet, flute and bassoon. We are an orchestral school and they are a choral school. All their pupils can sing, but some also play instruments so this allows them to have their own mini orchestra to accompany them. Once the building work is complete, they will be flying out. Any more questions?"

"Will the kitchens and dining area need extending?"

"That's a great question. There will be a new kitchen built at the back of building, which will be bigger and more modern than the current one. We'll then extend the dining room. That, I'm told, will be starting in a few weeks time and should cause little disruption."

"Okay, turn to the Beethoven. I want us to play the first four movements. That'll take nearly an hour. I don't want to stop to discuss things, but I'll shout pointers out as we go along, so please listen as well as watch. For those playing right at the beginning, I want it to be quiet and rather pensive. There is plenty of time for loud thrills later on."

I suppose there is nothing like being thrown into the deep end to learn to swim. Well this was not an easy piece to play and there were areas where it almost fell apart and it looked like Mrs Russell would have to stop. She didn't and we ploughed though the work, ending with the dramatic first few bars of the fifth movement.

"Wasn't that fun!" laughed Mrs Russell. "That was certainly a wild ride. I thought we'd fallen off the tracks at some stage, but we always seemed to find each other. We have a lot of work to do over the next few months. On Friday we'll have a look at the Karl Jenkins work. Susan, can you please have a good practice of The Benedictus. On Sunday we will have a look at the first two movements of the symphony."

What a start to orchestra practice. We finished thirty minutes early, which was good because we were all exhausted. To a listener, Beethoven's ninth seems quite easy to play, but that's because it's normally only attempted by highly competent orchestras. The music is full of intricacies and full of expression, which needs a lot of hard work. When I got to the common room I collapsed into a chair, as did all but Lewis. He just nodded in understanding, having seen what we had given.

"Lewis," Helen called, her head resting on my lap. "Could you see if you could find a recording of the Karl Jenkins piece?"

"Sure," he replied, pulling out his PDA. The rest of us didn't even have the strength or will to do that.

We'd heard about half of it when it was time for our evening meal, so we listened to the rest afterwards. By mealtime we had recovered and the food just helped to replenish our energy.

"Susan's going to have fun," I said as we finished listening to the record. "What a melody she has to portray. With feeling like in that recording, she'll really have to practice."

I pulled out my PDA and interfaced with the sound system in the room. I pulled up a list of recordings of Beethoven's Ninth, and after some thought chose a version of Herbert von Karajan conducting the Berlin Symphony. We were supposed to listen to it while we did our homework, but as it started homework soon got put to one side as we listened and compared it to our inadequate performance.

"It looks like we've got a lot of work to do," sighed Paula. "That was an excellent recording."

"We'll do it," I said with confidence I didn't really feel. "They wouldn't have given us that music to play if they didn't think we could rise to the occasion."

Silence reigned as we settled to do our homework, well we were silent, but we had some background music on that helped us concentrate, rather that disturb us. The biggest thing we'd been given was the French for discussion due Friday. After about thirty minutes we started discussing what ideas we'd come up with.

"Anna, what music did you choose?" I asked, as we prepared to go to our rooms.

"Did you like it?"

"Yeah, it was nice background music. It was sort of there, but not something that really attracted your attention."

"It was a CD called The Beyondness of Things by John Barry."

"I've never heard of him."

"He does a lot of film scores. He did Out of Africa, some of the James Bond music and Dances with Wolves."

"Nice films," I thought, thinking about my Dad's obsession with some films. It was times like this that brought them to my mind. I thought about them a lot and missed them even more, but it was never an obsession like Wendy. It didn't rule my life. I wasn't lonely and it might sound harsh, but in some ways it was a fair sacrifice for my freedom and happiness. I was happy with my family, but was never able to be happy outside the house; there was always the threat of being attacked.

The next day, while I showered, Christopher replaced Helen. Oh, Helen wasn't gone for good, but it was a moment to note. It was another step, rather like Sunday was when she got this idea. No, Helen wasn't gone; Christopher and Helen was the same person, just portraying themselves differently. Sometimes Helen held herself back from displaying her true personality. Behind the closed doors of the bedroom, she was more herself. I was just worried that when she was Christopher, she didn't hide another part of herself.

"Nice shirt," I said when Christopher came into my room.

"Do I look okay?"

"If I took a snapshot of your body, you would say boy," I tactfully replied. Christopher had remembered the compression vest and had made a big attempt. The face was still a let down and looked feminine. A trip to the hairdressers was also required for a radical restyle.

"The rest?"

"You need the speech therapy and you need to book a hair appointment," I offered.

Christopher wasn't upset and just nodded, wondering how much hair would be removed. He showed me his PDA and on it was an appointment at eleven to see the hairdresser.

"When did you make it?" I asked.

"Two days ago," he replied. I was struggling to see Helen as Christopher, but was making an effort. When Richard became Jessica it wasn't so hard, even though Jessica had just as much work to do. Perhaps it's because I'm aware of the person below the clothes. Not just the body, which I adore snuggling with, but the soul of the person. Helen might have some male personality, but it wasn't enough to make me think of her as male.

"Do you mind me doing this?" asked Christopher.

"Not at all," I truthfully replied. "Like I have to find myself, in a lot of ways so do you."

"I'm not doing this to become male."

"That might not be your intension, but others will think you are. I just want you to be happy. Make any choices for yourself, not what others expect of you."

"Do you always make the choices for yourself?" Christopher asked me.

"I suppose not," I said after a few moments thought. "Such as when we came home from Paris, you asked if I could stay as Jayne. I said yes to make you happy."

"Did it make you unhappy?"

"I was eager to be David, but I suppose on extra night didn't matter."

"I'm sorry. I'll try not to force you again."

"You didn't force me. I could have said no, but I chose not to."

The others in the year were very good and they all used male terms as soon as Christopher appeared. Lewis gave some pointers to make Christopher appear slightly less feminine, which helped a little.

Christopher was feeling very self-conscious, which Jill noticed. Jill asked, "David, I presume your parents weren't well off since you'd never went on holiday before, let alone go abroad. So how did they afford a computer?"

"It seems somebody put my name forward for a sponsorship. I think it was one of the teachers at school, but none of them ever admitted it. I had nothing in life apart from music and that just got me into more trouble. I couldn't spend my life with music, as my parents didn't like me practicing as much as I'd have liked, so the computer was brilliant. It gave me something to do when I was shut in my room, safe from life."

"I've seen you in computer lessons, you are really good and Julia often gets you to help," praised Emma. "How did you get that good?"

"The sponsorship including broadband internet access and I made a few online friends. I soon was getting tips, ideas to try and support. There was one person, who went by the handle hhb104, that over the last year, I got very good friends with. Since coming to the school, I've lost contact, as we're all excluded from chat areas like that."

"Couldn't you bypass security?"

"Yes, but then if I'm caught, I'll have lost the trust I have. I'm not going to break or bend something as serious as that. Oh, I'm not a prude and I've bent some of the school rules, just like we all have, but I'm not going to do something that might get me into that much trouble."

"Do you think they would expel you?"

"I doubt it, but why take the risk. I love this school. It has given me opportunities I never had at home and would never get. It's a safe environment where I can thrive. I could never thrive in my previous life. I now feel as this is my home."

"Yesterday I was asked how my previous school treated me," said Lewis.

"Why did they do that?"

"It seems that they broke certain rules or laws. It seems the school has contacts with people who can try to turn the school round, so if there are any other transsexuals, they get treated better. They wanted a statement from me so they could have some ammunition. They have also spoken to my parents and some other pupils."

"I've never heard of someone sticking up for transsexuals like that," said Emma in awe. "I wonder if they will do anything about my school."

"Your school might have treated you badly, but you got to attend as a girl. I never got the chance to officially be a boy at school."

After breakfast, Rachel asked that we have a chat after lessons and before our evening meal. She wanted to catch up with how things were going.

During the day, I kept a close watch over Christopher. It seems the teachers were also keeping more of an eye on Christopher and his relationship with the rest of the year. The other students were also keeping a watch and when Christopher nearly went into the girl's toilet, he was steered towards the boys.

"So David, how've you coped today," Rachel asked me that evening.

"I'm fine," I said, surprised that Rachel was asking me and not Christopher.

"You haven't been feeling any more stress?"

"No," I asked puzzled at Rachel's questions.

"Do you still want to go ahead with your extra lessons?"

"Yes," I firmly said.

"Ok," said Rachel nodding her head.

Christopher, who was sat next to me, was looking equally perplexed with the questioning. He'd expected to be the one who was under the spotlight.

"Christopher, you have seemed to make a large attempt to portray yourself as male. Visually you dressed as male, and have had your hair restyled. However, did you shave your legs this morning?"

"Of course I did."

"Boy's don't shave their legs, arms and pits," Rachel pointed out.

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

"You also appear to have picked up some good tips from Lewis and some other boys at the school. You just need to remember the tips you get. You'll need them if you decide to continue these lessons."

"Am I allowed to?"

"If you want to, I'm not going to stop you. Soon after you'd started at the school, you said you wanted to be in a relationship with David. You need to remember David will be impacted as you change."

"This isn't permanent."

"Oh, you might not decide to become a boy fulltime, but it will certainly impact David and others around you.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. You're in a relationship with David. Have you asked him about this?"

"We talked about it the other night."

"You've not discussed it since?"

"A little," Christopher said, suddenly beginning to sound unsure of himself.

"What about today. Have you asked him how he is coping with his girlfriend becoming his boyfriend?"

"It's just an act."

"In some ways it is, but in a lot of other ways it isn't. To be successful, you'll need to become Christopher and that'll have an impact."

"I love Helen and Christopher equally," I said, trying to defend Christopher.

"Christopher has only changed clothes and hairstyle. He hasn't tried to become the person fully yet. There have been some slight changes in personality, but nothing unexpected. I want you two to talk about this every day. You need to discuss things or you might drift apart."

"Oh," Christopher and I said together.

"Look, don't worry, but don't think this will be plain sailing. Also, David will change and that might impact Christopher. Would you mind being in a gay relationship, even if it's only a perceived gay relationship? That is just a small example. Do you still want to both go ahead?"

"Yes," we said together. I was glad that we hadn't drifted apart that much.

"Well, I want you to both go for a walk in the late summer evening. If, in the morning, you are still both adamant that you want to go ahead, then you will. One rule I need you to agree to, is that if one of you becomes uncomfortable about the other, you talk about it, and if necessary, the experiment is halted, till you can find a level you are both comfortable with."

"Can we discuss this and tell you in the morning as well?" I asked.

"Yes, I think that's a wise answer," she said. "Now run along for that walk and I expect to see you in my office thirty minutes before breakfast."

We took a stroll out into the school grounds. The sound of the workers, building the extension still sounded. If it was like other nights, they'd work till about nine. We walked straight out and into the deserted park, heading towards the sports facilities.

"How do you feel about all of this?" asked Helen, when the school disappeared, hidden from view by some trees.

"Like I told Rachel, I don't have any issues with it. I understand why you want to learn how to be a boy and after some thought I think it's a good idea. I don't feel any different being a boy or a girl and that has been implied too many times, is because I always act like a girl. I think it'll do me good to learn how to be a boy. If I don't like it then I won't do it and I'll think again."

"What if you do?"

"Then I'll have plenty of fun. I don't dislike being Jayne, I just have to get used to the fact that clothes don't affect the person I am. They don't affect the person you are either. You are dressed as a boy, but generally you are the same person you normally are."

"Generally?"

"There are a few things different. You are normally protective of me, but you are more so now. You haven't worried about your appearance and generally seem more relaxed. As a girl, you do things that are expected and some things I've noticed, you've gone to great trouble to remember to do. Since dressing as Christopher, you've been able to stop going through your reminder rituals."

"But I don't want to be a boy," said Christopher, plonking himself down on one of the benches.

"I didn't say you did. Like I said when we first started at the school, you might sometimes act a little boyish, but you have a lot of girl in you. At this school you can be who you want to be and not worry about it. It gives you the freedom to find out what truly makes you happy. So take the opportunity, just as I'm going to do, to find out who or what you want to be. There's no rush to decide now, next week or next month; we are here for four more years."

"But what happens if you stop loving me," worried Christopher.

"Stop worrying," I reassured, putting my arm around her. "Today Rachel reminded us how important it is to talk to each other. We were, but not in enough detail. If one of us has a problem with how far the other is going, then we will tell each other and we can work something out. I don't want to loose you either. I love you and I don't think I'll ever stop."