◄ ווייז ספוילער
A Father’s Mercy
That’s a very important lesson you’re hearing now. In the Wilderness we needed a father and mother to be formed into a Torah nation. We had the benefit of both a father, that was Moshe Rabeinu, and a mother, that was Aharon Hakohen. And I use those words purposefully because that generation was a model not only for the nation; it’s a model for the Torah home too.
In the davening we say כְּרַחֵם אָב עַל בָּנִים כֵּן תְּרַחֵם הַשֵּׁם עָלֵינוּ. We’re asking Hashem to have mercy on us like a father has mercy on his children. But there’s a question here. Why doesn’t it say “like the pity of a mother on her son”? That would make more sense – after all isn’t it the mother who has more pity?
The answer is like this.
Let’s say, one morning the father had to leave for work early and so he’s not home. And now the mother goes into Chaim’s room to wake him up for cheder. “Chaim,” she says, “It’s late. Get up quickly. You have to go to the yeshivah.”
Playing Hooky
“You know, Ma, I’m really sick. I don’t feel well. I can’t go today.”
So the mother, she has a soft heart, so she says, “Alright; alright. Get some rest.”
The father comes in and says, “What do you mean you don’t feel well? What’s the matter? You have temperature? We’ll take your temperature.”
“‘No, I don’t have a temperature.”
“You have a sore throat?”
“No sore throat.”
So the father is thinking, ‘If I let him stay home now, at 9 o’clock, at 10 o’clock he’ll become well and he’ll go out in the street’. No, I can’t allow that. He says to the son, “Smack! Go straight to the yeshivah.”
Do Not Yield
Now, had there been only a mother there, who knows what would have happened to this boy. Every second day Chaim would have a sore throat at 8 o’clock and he’d stay home from cheder. And by early afternoon he’d be outside on the street. Who does he meet on the street? Bums. How do you think a boy bumps into drugs? He found them outside in the candy store when he was bumming around that day when he was off from the yeshivah.
And therefore we say kerachem av al banim because those are the mercies we need; a father’s mercies are generally better than the mother’s mercies because you need a mercy that’s firm; it’s rachmanus on the neshama.
And so the father in the home is a Moshe Rabeinu; he has an iron fist because he wants the children to toe the line. You need a father in the house, somebody to carry out the strictness. If there’s a son that doesn’t want to go to yeshivah, the father has to yank him out of bed. No such thing as pity on him. The mother can come along and give him a kiss, very good. But the father has to be a father. A son that doesn’t want to learn, you have to force him to learn. Of course it doesn’t mean you can’t give him inducements. You should give him bribes too, certainly. But don’t yield.
Saving a Child’s Life
You know sometimes a father comes to me and he’s describing a problem with a child. And as he’s talking to me I’m thinking, “What kind of milquetoast are you? That’s a father?!” He should have laid down the law: “You’re back in the house before dark or else! You think you’re going to hang out on the street? No way!” But he just can’t bring himself to that. He’s a weakling. That’s not a father. A father must be firm; he must demand that the family walk in the ways of the Torah, in the ways of righteousness.
I know it’s not the style today but sometimes the father even has to hit the child; that’s also mercy. חוֹשֵׂךְ שִׁבְטוֹ שׂוֹנֵא בְנוֹ – If you hold back the stick you’re an enemy of your son (Mishlei 13:24). That’s not mercy; it means you’re his enemy.
Once upon a time even goyim lehavdil understood that. How many goyim were saved from ruining their lives? The father, an old Italian goy, took his boy in the backyard, into the woodshed, with a stick and gave him a drumming. And you know what? They didn’t become criminals. Their lives were saved.
Italians and Snoopers
I once saw a write-up. It said like this: In which country in Europe – this was a long time ago – which place in Europe is there the least juvenile delinquency? And it said there that Italy was the place. And the reason was because in Italy, of all the countries in Europe, the father was the boss. His word was law. And therefore, there was the least juvenile delinquency; because there was a fear of the father’s potch.
Only that today there are child abuse phone lines and snoopers. They see you hitting your child and they call up the child abuse committee and a woman comes down with a notebook, “What’s it all about?”
So we live in a meshugeneh world where they don’t want us raising our children; there should be no fathers in the home, that’s what they want. But we say no! We don’t want to become meshugeh like you. And so certainly you must hit. Sometimes you must!Only you must employ wisdom. I can’t give you easy solutions but you must be a father!
If you do it right, words will help much more than hitting. Moshe Rabeinu didn’t hit the kohanim when he saw that the chatas was burned up. Vayiktzof! He showed anger. But Moshe’s anger was worse than hitting. They were frightened to death. And so if a father knows that the son is hurt by his father’s displeasure, showing displeasure is sufficient. Whatever it is, the father’s role is to make sure everyone is toeing the line.
Nature’s Plan
Of course you need the mother too. You need an Aharon Hakohen in the house. Let’s say the boy got a potch and now the father walks out. The mother caresses him and says, “My sweet boy. I’m so sorry. Go to the yeshivah. Listen to your father.” And she sends him off with a piece of cake or a cookie and he yields. He yields to the potch and the caress.
And so you need both of them, certainly! Your mother always came to console you, to make you feel happy even though the father was strict. So you need both together.
That’s what a father and a mother are for. Hakodosh Baruch Hu planned the family that way; the father is firm and the mother caresses. It’s a ruination of the family if they break the natural arrangement that Hakodosh Baruch Hu made. There must be a father and his mercies are “No concessions!” And the mother cooperates. Only she does it differently; she cajoles and persuades the child. “Obey Abba. He knows best.”
That’s how Hakodosh Boruch Hu made it. It’s a natural thing. Hakodosh Boruch Hu made such an arrangement for the purpose so that the Torah family should always be successful because both father and mother play their role. Of course sometimes the father is the weak one. Sometimes the mother is stronger, but by and large that’s the principle.
Fathers Are Mothers Too
Now, everything should be done with seichel. The mother cannot be too yielding. The mother also has to worry about the child’s future. She’ll let the children do what they want? She should always yield to them and make them feel good? No, of course not. The mother has to be a Moshe Rabeinu sometimes too.
And the father also cannot be cruel and ignore the child’s feelings. But is the father going to bring home toys all the time to his children? Should he always let them do what they want? If he does that, he’s not a father. He’d be failing in the performance that’s required of him. And therefore although a father has to use judgment too – he can caress, and he can give toys too, but a father must still be a father. From the beginning the father should say, “Do this!” and he should also caress. The mother should also say, “Do this!” and caress. Both things, with rogez and with rachamim; בְּרֹגֶז רַחֵם תִּזְכֹּר. Both things together.
Encouragement Works
A man called me this week on the telephone and he says that he has a son that doesn’t listen to him. A young boy who doesn’t listen to him. So I said, “Call him in and caress his cheek and talk to him.” You should know that the words go into his head. Even though he may seem to not be listening, the words go into his head anyways. Give him a glett, a caress on the cheek, and talk to him.
You know children also have burdens; they might not be your burdens but in their own eyes they have very big burdens. And you can put your shoulder under their heavy packages and lighten their load by encouraging them with kind words. And children who are encouraged in the home learn better. They are more neat in their habits. They are cooperative if they are encouraged. Parents who speak to their children should know that their words are heard. And not only if he’s a good child; any child.
So the mercy of a father also means to pat him on the cheek and say, “Chaim’l, you really have a good neshama and I think you can make something great out of yourself. So let’s do this one line in the Gemara. I’m going to learn with you now, just one line. And say it over to me.”
So Chaim says one line over. He knows one line in the Gemara and he feels good that he knows it. You praise him up to the sky! You know what that means?! You’re putting him on his feet! And sometimes you give him something too. Give him half a dollar each time. דְּבַר תּוֹרָה מָעוֹת קוֹנוֹת. Money helps. A kind glett and words of encouragement – some money too – can do wonders. You can build up a boy that way!
Planned Parenthood
But even that requires firmness. A line a day is still a line. He can’t go outside to play until it’s done. And he should know it! The end will be he might become a chacham too. A lot of boys who bummed around, but they had strict fathers and something came of them!
And therefore the father must be the Moshe Rabeinu, the one who stands on principle. Of course he has to be a man of consideration too, but he has to be a man of principle because knows what will happen in the long run if he allows the child to do as he wishes. And so he has to sacrifice some of that mercy that is in his heart.
So you understand now why kol Beis Yisroel cried for Aharon when he passed away, while for Moshe not so much. Beis Yisroel means the more emotional element. Who doesn’t appreciate a softie, someone that makes everything smooth? And therefore the weeping for Moshe was less than the weeping for Aharon.
But we see that Hashem’s plan was to supply Israel with a stern father and gentle mother. These are the journeys of the Sons of Israel when they went forth from the land of Egypt according to their hosts, by the hand of Moshe and Aharon (33:1). It was Hashem’s arrangement whereby two leaders of such different natures headed the nation and He wants us to appreciate that. And as long as you appreciate them properly and know that the father is a father and the mother is a mother and that together they accomplish the purpose of giving you the perfection from which you were created, that’s how you’ll become successful in this world.
