Jokes
A guy gets pulled over for doing 75 in 50 mph zone. The cop says, "Let me see your license and registration."
The guy says, "I don't have either."
"You sure your registration isn't in the glove compartment?", says the cop.
"No, that's where I have the gun," was the response.
"What gun?" asked the cop
"The gun I killed my wife with", said the guy, "Her body is in the trunk."
"Keep your hands on the wheel. I'm calling for backup," said the officer.
Soon the sergeant arrives and says "Let me see your cards."
"Sure," said the driver as he gives him his license and registration.
"What's this about a gun in the glove compartment?", inquired the sergeant.
As the guy opened his empty glove compartment he said "I have no gun."
"What about your wife's body in the trunk?," asked the sergeant.
"My wife's at home," said the guy. "Did this policeman tell you all this stuff? Next thing you know, he'll be telling you I was speeding."
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, feeling the warmth of having done a good deed, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAY STATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is...".