Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מיטוואך אוגוסט 18, 2021 12:42 pm
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אידישע וועלט פארומס
קומט אריין פאר א גלעזעלע שנאפס און א גוט ווארט https://www.ivelt.com/forum/
Jokes
בלאט 12פון 16
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: פרייטאג אקטאבער 15, 2021 12:17 pm
"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: פרייטאג אקטאבער 15, 2021 12:33 pm
Oh Ya!!!
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מוצ"ש אקטאבער 16, 2021 7:11 pm
פיין!
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מוצ"ש אקטאבער 16, 2021 9:06 pm
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 3:14 am
תיקו האט געשריבן:"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
פארראכטן די דירעקציע און אראפגענומען איינס
און א יישר כח פאר די ווערטלעך
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 3:37 am
הענדימען האט געשריבן:תיקו האט געשריבן:"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
פארראכטן די דירעקציע און א יישר כח פאר די ווערטלעך
אראפגענומען איינס וואס באלאנגט נישט...
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 9:13 am
פאליטישע עקספערט האט געשריבן: אראפגענומען איינס וואס באלאנגט נישט...
גערעכט
פארראכטן
Re:
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 9:22 pm
קיקיון האט געשריבן: AN ANCIENT JOKE'
Speaking of the former Soviet Union: A man in Kiev in 1952 gets a letter from Moscow's CSBMV (Central Soviet Bureau of Motor Vehicles). At last, his request to buy a car has been approved.
Immediately, he calls Kiev's CDLDA (Central Department of Licencing and Distribution of Automobiles) and is given an appointment for Tuesday, October 3, 1963.
"Morning or Afternoon?" he asks.
"Tavahrisch!" laughs the official. "That's ten years from now! What difference is it to you if you come in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Well," says the man, "the plumber's coming in the morning..."
Credit: President Ronald Reagan.
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 10:30 pm
Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.
“Tomorrow morning,” she told him, “I expect to find a something shiny in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in ten seconds, and it better be there!”
The next morning, Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a shiny new bathroom scale!
=-=-=-=-=-
Alfred: Did you end up renting the apartment to Mr. Johnson?
Nathan: No, I was a little bit worried after I contacted his previous place of residence.
Alfred: I thought he lived in the same place for the last 10 years and was leaving on good terms?
Nathan: That’s true.
Alfred: So, what’s the problem?
Nathan: The problem is that he would still be there if the parole board hadn’t granted him an early release.
=-=-=-=-=-
Chaim Yankel wanted to make business connections in the non-Jewish community, and he was told that he needed to improve his golf game. So, he joined a golf club and started practicing. But feeling self-conscious, he would only golf alone, with no one present except for his caddy.
One day he had a new caddy and Chaim Yankel was playing particularly badly.
“I think I am playing the world’s worst golf game,” he confessed to the caddy.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, sir,” was the consoling response. “From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are.”
“What’s his name?”
The caddy replied, “I think they call him Chaim Yankel.”
=-=-=-=-=-
Rebetzin Epstein was giving a pre Yom Kippur sermon about forgiveness and during her speech she asked her listeners, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
About half held up their hands. She then rephrased her question, “How many of you want to forgive your enemies?” Slowly, every hand in the congregation went up, except for one. Little old Sadie Horowitz.
“Mrs. Horowitz?” inquired the Rebetzin, “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies, especially on this Day of Atonement when Gd forgives us all?”
“I don’t have any enemies,” Mrs. Horowitz replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Horowitz, that is more impressive. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Horowitz, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please stand up and in front of this congregation tell us all how a person can live so long and not have an enemy in the world?”
Little old Mrs. Horowitz got up slowly, smiled, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived all those old yentas.”
“Tomorrow morning,” she told him, “I expect to find a something shiny in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in ten seconds, and it better be there!”
The next morning, Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a shiny new bathroom scale!
=-=-=-=-=-
Alfred: Did you end up renting the apartment to Mr. Johnson?
Nathan: No, I was a little bit worried after I contacted his previous place of residence.
Alfred: I thought he lived in the same place for the last 10 years and was leaving on good terms?
Nathan: That’s true.
Alfred: So, what’s the problem?
Nathan: The problem is that he would still be there if the parole board hadn’t granted him an early release.
=-=-=-=-=-
Chaim Yankel wanted to make business connections in the non-Jewish community, and he was told that he needed to improve his golf game. So, he joined a golf club and started practicing. But feeling self-conscious, he would only golf alone, with no one present except for his caddy.
One day he had a new caddy and Chaim Yankel was playing particularly badly.
“I think I am playing the world’s worst golf game,” he confessed to the caddy.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that, sir,” was the consoling response. “From what the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be worse even than you are.”
“What’s his name?”
The caddy replied, “I think they call him Chaim Yankel.”
=-=-=-=-=-
Rebetzin Epstein was giving a pre Yom Kippur sermon about forgiveness and during her speech she asked her listeners, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
About half held up their hands. She then rephrased her question, “How many of you want to forgive your enemies?” Slowly, every hand in the congregation went up, except for one. Little old Sadie Horowitz.
“Mrs. Horowitz?” inquired the Rebetzin, “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies, especially on this Day of Atonement when Gd forgives us all?”
“I don’t have any enemies,” Mrs. Horowitz replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Horowitz, that is more impressive. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Horowitz, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please stand up and in front of this congregation tell us all how a person can live so long and not have an enemy in the world?”
Little old Mrs. Horowitz got up slowly, smiled, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived all those old yentas.”
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 17, 2021 11:49 pm
ניו יארק 2023:
פארברעכער האט זיך איינגעבראכן אין א רעסטוראנט אהן א וואקסין פאספארט ארפגעשאסן די בעל הבית ארויסגעלאפן מיט א באקס פלעסטיג בעגס אין א באקס האט קאקס.
ריכטער: בעצם וואלט ער געדארפט באקומען לעבנסלענגליכע תפיסה פאר ערשטע מארד קלאגעס פאר אריינגיין אומוואקסינירט אין א רעסטוראנט אין זיך דרייען מיט פלעסטיג בעגס אין האט קאפס. נאר אזויווי האסט איינעם געשאסן באקומסטו נאר א חודש טורמע אין א טשעק פון 1000$ א חודש
פארברעכער האט זיך איינגעבראכן אין א רעסטוראנט אהן א וואקסין פאספארט ארפגעשאסן די בעל הבית ארויסגעלאפן מיט א באקס פלעסטיג בעגס אין א באקס האט קאקס.
ריכטער: בעצם וואלט ער געדארפט באקומען לעבנסלענגליכע תפיסה פאר ערשטע מארד קלאגעס פאר אריינגיין אומוואקסינירט אין א רעסטוראנט אין זיך דרייען מיט פלעסטיג בעגס אין האט קאפס. נאר אזויווי האסט איינעם געשאסן באקומסטו נאר א חודש טורמע אין א טשעק פון 1000$ א חודש
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג אקטאבער 24, 2021 5:26 pm
:Fwd from kol haolam
CANADA: Students in Toronto were advised by health authorities not to speak during lunch, when masks are off, to help in "reducing the possibility of spread" of Covid.
CANADA: Students in Toronto were advised by health authorities not to speak during lunch, when masks are off, to help in "reducing the possibility of spread" of Covid.
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: דינסטאג אקטאבער 26, 2021 5:35 pm
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: דינסטאג אקטאבער 26, 2021 9:25 pm
This story is said to be true: IRS (supposedly) commented on this one.
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question,..."Do you have anyone dependent on you ?" the man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads,4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and the entire group that call themselves Politicians".
The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question,..."Do you have anyone dependent on you ?" the man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads,4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and the entire group that call themselves Politicians".
The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: דינסטאג אקטאבער 26, 2021 9:29 pm
הײמישער זײגער האט געשריבן:This story is said to be true: IRS (supposedly) commented on this one.
The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question,..."Do you have anyone dependent on you ?" the man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads,4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and the entire group that call themselves Politicians".
The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back was, ... "Who did I leave out
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מיטוואך אקטאבער 27, 2021 12:08 am
קיקיון האט געשריבן:
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מאנטאג נאוועמבער 01, 2021 3:43 pm
- Untitled.gif (224.97 KiB) געזען 2012 מאל
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: מאנטאג נאוועמבער 01, 2021 9:18 pm
קיקיון האט געשריבן:
חוץ איינס זענען אלע נישט קיין דזשאוקס נאר גוטע ווערטער
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: דאנערשטאג נאוועמבער 04, 2021 11:44 am
MORDECHAI SCHILLER
Ask 10 people for their favorite Jewish joke and one is sure to come up with this classic: “A Jew is hit by a car. A paramedic on the scene asks, ‘Are you comfortable?’ The Jew answers, ‘I make a living.’”
There’s another, less known, version: On a summer day in New York, an elderly Jewish man faints from the heat. A doctor checks him and says, “Get this man water.” The old man feebly says, “Make that seltzer.”
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: פרייטאג נאוועמבער 05, 2021 12:35 pm
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: פרייטאג נאוועמבער 05, 2021 2:15 pm
נארמאליזעם האט געשריבן: ניו יארק 2023:
פארברעכער האט זיך איינגעבראכן אין א רעסטוראנט אהן א וואקסין פאספארט ארפגעשאסן די בעל הבית ארויסגעלאפן מיט א באקס פלעסטיג בעגס אין א באקס האט קאקס.
ריכטער: בעצם וואלט ער געדארפט באקומען לעבנסלענגליכע תפיסה פאר ערשטע מארד קלאגעס פאר אריינגיין אומוואקסינירט אין א רעסטוראנט אין זיך דרייען מיט פלעסטיג בעגס אין האט קאפס. נאר אזויווי האסט איינעם געשאסן באקומסטו נאר א חודש טורמע אין א טשעק פון 1000$ א חודש
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג נאוועמבער 07, 2021 11:20 am
- 16310.jpg (41.15 KiB) געזען 1604 מאל
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג נאוועמבער 07, 2021 11:41 am
קיקיון האט געשריבן:
ויר"ש יוצא ידי שניהם. אמאל אזוי און אמאל אזוי
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: דאנערשטאג נאוועמבער 11, 2021 12:37 am
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Cause seven eight (eat) nine
Re: Jokes
געשריבן: זונטאג דעצעמבער 05, 2021 7:55 pm
- jokes.gif (284.14 KiB) געזען 3027 מאל
