From Rabbi Avigdor MillerRav Avigdor Miller on Hitting Children ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q:
The Rav has taught us that criticism, and even physical punishment, is a positive thing and can be a great benefit. Does that mean that we should criticize and hit our children?
A:
Now, first let me talk the truth. Because there is a truth and then there is l’maiseh.
L’maiseh is not always the truth.
The truth is that you should have a stick in your house. And you should use it. You should hit your children with the stick. That’s the truth. “Chosech shivto soneh b’no” – One who holds back from using the stick, hates his son. The truth of the posuk remains true even in America.
But today, you can’t always do that. It’s a terrible world. For instance, in Sweden they arrest you if you hit your child. In America too. I know myself, a frum boy who was 13 years old and his father hit him. He called the police. He called the police on his father! When the police came, the father was in the bathroom. So the mother said, “It’s nothing. It’s all over,” and the police went home.
He called the police on his father! Once upon a time, when I was a young boy there was no hava aminah of calling the police on your father. Even goyim, li’havdil, used to take the boys out to the shed – to the woodshed – and hit them. I told you this story once: the crown prince of Bavaria, when he became king of Bavaria, he called in his old tutor, a certain duke who had been his private teacher. And he said to him, “You used to hit me with sticks when you were my tutor. Now I’m going to place a gold medal on you, out of gratitude for what you did for me.”
Hitting is a very good thing – in theory. Once upon a time you could do it – but today – it’s a world of sheker today. It’s a world of sheker. But the emes is that the stick is a very good benefit for the son.
I know a beautiful man, a ba’al middos tovos. A lovely man. A ben-Torah and everything good. He told me that his father used to kill him. He said his father beat him terribly. But I saw that the results were good. I didn’t tell him, but I saw that the results were very good. He became a fine man – he couldn’t be better.
TAPE #E-253
Rav Avigdor Miller on Dealing With a Difficult Child ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q-
What should a parent do with a child who who doesn’t speak nicely and doesn’t seem to be getting better?
A-
It depends. But you can’t wait too long. Don’t wait till he’s a big boy when you can’t hit him anymore. A child must be taught to speak nicely when he’s still young. So first, as I said earlier, give him a caress on his cheek with your hand and say, “Chaim’l, you’re a nice boy. And if you speak nicely then Hashem will like you. And people will like you. Everybody will like you.” Say it to him again and again. Little by little, it’ll enter into his little head.
Sometimes however, you will have to tell him like this. “Chaim’l, I must give you three petch. But because you’re a nice boy, I’m going to give you only two petch.” And then give him two good petch! So he’ll know that it’s al pi din. He won’t be angry at you. He knows it’s justice. After all he was supposed to get three. So of course you must use diplomacy but sometimes you must hit. Forget about the meshuganeh world. Abuse of children?! If you don’t hit your child when he needs it – that’s abusing your child.
TAPE #E-180
Rav Avigdor Miller on The Caress and the Potch (April 2000) ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q:
How do I communicate with a child who is just not listening and doesn’t want to communicate?
A:
I’ll tell you one עצה. Take the child aside, when nobody’s looking and give him a גלעט, a caress on his cheek, and say, “Chaim, you’re a good boy. I know that you’re a very good boy. And I want you to try to do this and this, and you’ll see, everybody’s going to like you.”
Now, he won’t pay attention. No, he won’t pay attention to you. But it goes into his mind. It goes into his mind. Chaim is not a horse. When you’re dealing with a horse, there’s no use talking to a horse. But Chaim is a human being. And little by little it’ll enter his mind. Talking helps. Yes, talking helps.
Now sometimes a good hefty potch helps. Yes, oh yes! Sometimes a good potch helps. You have to use your mind. Sometimes both ways helps. But it’ll never be a waste of time to give Chaim’ll a caress on his cheek.
Last week I was walking in the street, and I sat down at a park bench. And a woman was passing by – a frum woman – with a little girl. And the girl was jumping around angry. An angry little girl. The mother stopped and she caressed the little girl. And the girl quieted down. Ah, that was good. It was good to see. The girl quieted down from her mother’s caress.
So to caress somebody is very good. And say, “Chaim’ll, you’re a very good boy.” Here’s a boy making trouble in the class. So the Rebbi takes him outside and says, “Chaim’ll, you’re a good boy. And for your benefit you should know that everybody likes you. And you want to be successful in this world. And you will be successful if you’re popular. So make it your business that everybody should like you here. And if you’re a nice boy, everybody is going to like you.” Now, the first time, he won’t pay any attention to you. The second time, the third time, a little bit. And little by little, it’ll enter his mind. You’ll see, it’ll enter his mind. It’ll have an effect.
TAPE # E-229 (April 2000)
Rav Avigdor Miller on When to Punish a Child ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q:
Which things require a child to be punished?
A:
Very many things. Of course, you must know children are human beings, and children, even little children, have seichel. So often you can talk to them. If you talk mussar to them, again and again, it goes into their heads, yes. You talk to children, it has an effect.
But sometimes, it goes in more deeply if you give a potch too. It says, תחת גערה במבין – “A rebuke goes into an understanding person, מהכות כסיל מאה – more than hitting a fool a hundred times” (Mishlei 17:10). But even hitting a fool helps it to go in too. So when a man did a sin of malkos, and the shaliach bais din picks up his whip and hits him b’chol kocho, with all of his strength on his neck and back, it’s supposed to go through the back, into the body, and into his mind. That’s how it’s supposed to go. And the person who’s being beaten should think, “I have to listen to that mussar. I should have listened to the mussar that I was taught by my father and mother. I should have listened to the mussar in the Yeshivah. But I didn’t, so now the mussar of the strap is teaching me an important lesson. It’s the Mesillas Yeshorim hitting me on the back.” He should think mussar thoughts.
Therefore, sometimes a little hit is good enough. Sometimes you need more. If a child does dangerous things, you have to hit him and hit him until he stops doing it. Because dangerous things, it’s piku’ach nefesh, danger to one’s life. What don’t you do to save a person’s life? Therefore, it depends on the kind of child, and it depends on the certain thing that he did. But there’s no question, sometimes punishment is very much justified.
TAPE # 999
Rav Avigdor Miller on How to Deal With an Insolent Boy ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q:
A boy was insolent to his rebbi in the yeshiva. How should his parents react?
A:
Look, the rebbi maybe didn’t hit him, but the parents should hit him. When parents hit however, they should let the boy know that they’re doing it al pi mishpat. Here’s how they should say: “My son, you did a very big aveirah! You were insolent to the rebbi. You deserve to be hit six times. But we’re going to have pity on you and hit you only five times. It really should be one time more, so you’re getting a bargain.” So he knows it’s mishpat, not anger. And then hit him; one, two, three, four, five. And he’ll appreciate it. He’ll appreciate that.
But if you just have a temper and without any hakdama, without any introduction, you start hitting him, so he thinks you’re an enemy of his. But here he knows you’re a dayan, you’re a shofet tzedek, a righteous judge, and you’re giving him a bargain too, less than he’s supposed to get.
TAPE # E-39 (December 1995)
Rav Avigdor Miller on Hitting Big Boys ◄ ווייז ספוילער
Q:
The gemara says that a father shouldn’t hit a son that is older. What age is that?
A:
It’s forbidden to hit a grown son because you might cause him to hit back, and that would be a big sin that you brought about. Or it could be you might cause him to do something else. At what age does this prohibition apply? It depends. It depends on the style, the culture of the day. It depends on the country where you live. If you can bring up your children to accept parental authority, then it can continue for some time; and the fact is you wouldn’t have to use any chastisement after a certain age because big children already respond to other forms of mussar. But exactly when you must stop chastising children, that’s something you’ll have to play by ear.
TAPE # 356
Q:
Is it proper for a father to hit girls as well as boys?
A:
Certainly! Girls need instruction and although in many cases they don’t require as much treatment as boys, but certainly a slap once in a while is a medicine for girls. Now, this I have on good authority. There was a man who was on the administration of a girls’ seminary and he said to me that girls have to be chastised too; it’s important to chastise girls. And he said to me, anybody who punishes a girl is doing a favor to her future chosson.
TAPE # 356
