Jun 5th Sat
Whoever it is that forwards these reports onto Sid, be sure to edit this one, because Im sure nobody on other teams is interested in the non match report part. The unofficial awards have been created out of a need to offend everyone who has not yet been offended by this column so far this season, and follow the match report at the bottom of this mail. (So you can all skip down there without having to read my dulcet verse.
Sat Jun 5th
Oifuto Dirt
TML
Sala 5 v 0 BEFC (or 'The Embassy', a much less confusing moniker by all accounts)
Sala: Ivan, Steve, Clarkey, Yusuke, Yoshiki, Giles, Lenny, Brookey, Guido, Toby, Dhugal
Subs: Shigeru, Charles, Brian, Xavier
Sala Goals: Steve(6), Dhugal(15), Charles(30), Toby(60), Clarkey(77)
The last time so many white shirts were seen together, somebody was in fear of a lynching.(spell?)
An unprecedented turn out of more than 11 players for the first time in living memory, helped Sala to keep the race for third going right down to the wire.
The first match this season between these two teams yielded 12 goals in an incredible 7-5 thriller. This one could have gone the same way. But for two missed penalties by BEFC, the scoreline could have read very differently.
Sala started brightly and took an early lead when the artist formerly known as Big Gay Steve, popped up at a corner for one of his trademark towering headers. 1v0.
BEFC took it in their stride though and pressed forward. Steve, in an act of misguided charity decided to make amends for his goal by hauling down a BEFC striker in the box. From the resulting penalty however Serbian basketball legend Ivan pulled out a great save.
Sala went straight up the other end and rubbed salt and vinegar in the wound by going two nil up. Dhugal latched onto a through ball and made rounding the keeper look very easy, again. 2v0.
More drama than saturday night in a English market town was to follow. A sweet inswinging corner by BEFC was destined for the back of the net until Lenny's hand got in the way. Another penalty and a lucky booking for Lenny whom the referee felt had not moved his hand to the ball in an effort to stop it. Ivan must have intimidated the taker with his fearsome size, and the spot kick went narrowly over.
Once again lady luck shone on Sala, who went up the pitch and scored again. Brian's long throws caused trouble all day long, and from one such missile, Charles hooked a volley into the top right corner. 3v0 and BEFC must have been gutted at half-time.
The second half wasn't quite as good value, especially after the fourth goal went in. Toby latched on to a Shigeru through ball, before beating his man and slotting home from 10 yards, 4v0.
Brian forced the keeper into a couple of good saves late on, whilst at the other end the Sala defence kept the door shut, the memory of last weeks French lesson still etched clearly on their faces. The last goal came from Charles' corner, which Clarkey volleyed home from the penalty spot.
5v0. The last game of the season between Sala and BFC will be for third place, winner takes all(Well, all that third place has to offer)
And now, the Unofficial Sala Player of the Season awards. Ive cast my vote for the real ones and I hope every one else has and will be present at the 'ceremony' next Saturday. These awards are meant to be for fun, but all offense is intended. They take into account, all IFFL, TML, Cup and friendly games this season, and pre season.
Goal of the Season: Only one contender for this, Doug Lee's header from inside his own half against Nova, punishing the budding Nova Bruce Grobbelear after an ill advised walk-about on the smallest park in the league.
Rip Van Winkle Trophy: Clarkey slept in for a 6 o'clock kick off at Oifuto. Incomparable.
Whinger of the year: A tie between Brookey and myself. A noteworthy effort by Brookey, who more than made up for his half season absence. If only he had hurt his head and shoulders, we could have had a song to sing.
Father of the Year: Last years winner Brian Harlow misses out this time due to a lack of appearances... something about having parenting to do...? So up stepped Lenny Tui to pip Martin at the post. Congratulations Leo!
Friendship Plate: It's that man again. Faced with a yellow card he didn't actually deserve, Brookey kindly pointed out yours truly as the culprit in an IFFL game, leaving me with a booking, and he with a smile on his face. Ah teamates...
Booking of the Year: Andy Cross picked up a booking before kick off at the Kanda 7's, for MARKING THE GRASS!! The referee, an enthusiastic Greenpeace supporter, later sent someone off for unknowingly crushing a beetle underfoot.
Linesman of the Year: Doug Draper was relieved of duties by the Italian lothario at Hachioji against the Swiss. Not for any wrongdoing on his part, but the referee claimed the Swiss's man was incompetent and wanted to level the playing field. Cue highly debatable offside goal, as said lothario called it good from the centre circle.
Game of the Year: Sala 7v5 BEFC on the opening day. Say no more, story of the season is all in that game.
Lothar Mattheus of the year: Got to be Guido. The origins of this award are a little hazy though.
Ground of the year: Although Oifuto dirt was hot favourite, shock horror it was beaten by a grass pitch. Nodai, near Omiya rivals Ina for obscurity, requires a hideously long taxi ride from the station, has all the facilities of a meadow, but none of the grass. Rumour has it that the adjacent baseball diamond was recently booked for encroachment. Not even Amityville has seen horror to rival this.
Feast of the Year: Martins claims of eating two whole cows whilst back in Argentina, certainly guarantees him a spot at the top the podium here. Although unwitnessed, photographic evidence was unecessary.
The "Its my Ball and I'm Going Home" Award: The strange referee up in Saitama who enraged Clarkey by telling him that there wasnt enough time to make a substitution. When the legitamacy of this was called into question he responded. "Yes I can tell you that. This is my pitch and I can tell you whatever I want." Unfortunately he couldnt referee any more games that season because he didnt eat his greens and his mum wouldnt let him out to play until he had finished his dinner.
And finally...
He's going to thank me for this one...
Miss of the season: It was tough. So many memories, so many moments to choose from. The miss is to some extent, everybodys least favourite part of football, envoking crawling skin late at night and horrible fitful dreams... So lets hear it for Jody Brooks. This one was so bad, he actually left the country and will never return. The game against YCAC was in the final seconds, deadlocked at 2v2, when a cross came over from the right. The keeper misjudged the flight and was left stranded metres from his goal. Jody arrived unmarked(how did they miss him?), the goal begging and sidefooted the ball accurately at right angles, barely finding touch for a goal kick, and the final whistle actually blew before the game restarted. Classic. No hard feelings big man!
Owari desu
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