Perceptions Medley
This is why， I think， I work better at night. Less things to distract me. Less activity， movement， actions， what have you.
When dusk approaches， I am fascinated with how much is getting concealed behind the shadows--less and less I can see. When dawn approaches， I am fascinated with how the light starts unveiling what was hidden behind the shadows. When it is overcast and dark， even during the day， I am amazed at how much the thick clouds can block the sun; it is all entirely different than darkness brought on by night (i.e， the absence of sunlight)， because there are now shadows， it is only that the world is dimly lit. I should be able to see， but can’t exactly make out the borderlines. In the way the sky and the surroundings blend into each other on an overcast day， objects under the cloud， for that day， blend into each other and the borders fail to be clear.
The yeitzor horah (evil inclination) is very tempting to me when I can see， because then， I can’t see what I’m not seeing. But when I can’t see， even what I feel I should be able to see， then， the yeizor horah is not tempting because I know that I’m not seeing and that makes me tentative and contemplative. A sense of mystery and wonder is essential in warding off temptations and inclinations. The self-righteousness that makes one think “I know ...” is the worst enemy. This is why “knowing what I don’t know” becomes such an important principle.
There is no difference between flirting and being friendly， I am told (by K). Then there was the commentary (by A) to that that said， “actually， the only difference lies in the other person’s perception of what you are doing.” Apparently， “cool” people (Who are they? How can you define them? Or is it just an incidental thing， measured by each incident?) know better than to assume someone is flirting. Which， actually， does correspond to the behavior of K， who usually “just ignore those kinds of things” (meaning flirtatious behavior， not the person).
I have discussed the difference between flirtation and friendliness with a couple of my friends， particularly with M. I think it came up between us the most because it mattered to our relationship to each other (or at least to me). Many people thought I had a crush on him and I did for a little bit (like I do for some period of time with many of my male friends) and kept coming back to feeling that I might secretly do， even after our long friendship. Now I know， though， I don’t really， and probably never had， if I define as having a crush on someone as having the desire to have something to do with him or her. But then again， if that is the definition， I realize that I have had only few crushes， much in the same way after I redefined being in love as a mutual activity， I decided that I had hardly been in love since because “kataomoi” cannot qualify as that: Historical revision on a personal level. I wonder why I start imposing stricter definitions on myself like that. Do I want to nullify most of my past experiences in light of my current emotional state? Or maybe， what I am capable of feeling or doing? Does this mark a stage in my life where I feel like I can really do it， that is， fall in love， or have a “real” crush， and have a relationship? It seems to be that my confidence is rising， my priorities are being redefined， and part of imposing stricter definitions is that I cannot spare time unless it measures up to that: I have no time to spare. Hmmm..... That’s a little harsh. But it also rings true. I guess so.
Darkness is quickly approaching and I need to get back to work if I really want to be able to turn something in by tonight/tomorrow morn.’
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