PR
Freepage List
Comments
2014.09.09
カテゴリ： カテゴリ未分類
I've had EDNOS for 12 years now -- That's a long time.
Unsurprisingly I still weigh about the same exact weight as when I first bent over my toilet bowl and expelled my guts. To give you an idea of how long I've been getting sick, I remember it being the first season of "America's Top Model" staring at Elise, thinking if she can do it. So can I.
I've lost and gained more than 100kgs in total. My lowest weight being 30 kilos lower than now, my yo-yo range +/- 15kgs over the years.
When you have Ednos for this long things are no longer measured in days or weeks. Its more of months and years.
I've on through periods of time where I could barely keep any food down, to eating so normally I thought I'd left this all behind. The worst is I don't think I'll die from this. I'll never be deathly skinny, I'll probably never take my own life because I've learned to live with the crazy ups and downs. Some-days I wish I had never let my disorder evolve into such a solid state of ednos.. Maybe if I had been anorexic or bulimic somewhere along the road I'd been caught and treated. Now I just hope to what ever powers there may be that no one close to me ever finds out because, as an adult I feel more than anything embarrassed about my behavior.. Why don't I just go to the gym? Why don't I just not binge? Not just throw up? Deal with it?
The hardest moments are when you find yourself falling back into those darker times, and knowingly making the decision to not stop it. I can't envision a life without ednos, its been my faithful lover for so many years. I don't think I'd survive without it. To me, its no longer a struggle to be bones, its a struggle to just fit in to jeans. Struggle of trying to come up with lies of why you'd rather go home than go to the gym with them or go out for dinner.
Unsurprisingly I still weigh about the same exact weight as when I first bent over my toilet bowl and expelled my guts. To give you an idea of how long I've been getting sick, I remember it being the first season of "America's Top Model" staring at Elise, thinking if she can do it. So can I.
I've lost and gained more than 100kgs in total. My lowest weight being 30 kilos lower than now, my yo-yo range +/- 15kgs over the years.
When you have Ednos for this long things are no longer measured in days or weeks. Its more of months and years.
I've on through periods of time where I could barely keep any food down, to eating so normally I thought I'd left this all behind. The worst is I don't think I'll die from this. I'll never be deathly skinny, I'll probably never take my own life because I've learned to live with the crazy ups and downs. Some-days I wish I had never let my disorder evolve into such a solid state of ednos.. Maybe if I had been anorexic or bulimic somewhere along the road I'd been caught and treated. Now I just hope to what ever powers there may be that no one close to me ever finds out because, as an adult I feel more than anything embarrassed about my behavior.. Why don't I just go to the gym? Why don't I just not binge? Not just throw up? Deal with it?
The hardest moments are when you find yourself falling back into those darker times, and knowingly making the decision to not stop it. I can't envision a life without ednos, its been my faithful lover for so many years. I don't think I'd survive without it. To me, its no longer a struggle to be bones, its a struggle to just fit in to jeans. Struggle of trying to come up with lies of why you'd rather go home than go to the gym with them or go out for dinner.
お気に入りの記事を「いいね！」で応援しよう
【毎日開催】
15記事にいいね！で1ポイント
© Rakuten Group, Inc.
