★Mｙ Memoir★ （つづき）
* * * * *On the way to school, it was just the road I have always taken for years, but I felt excited as if this was my first time to take this road to school. I looked around and checked anything that came into my view. I never walked to school this carefully. I even found things I could not realize, although they were always there all that time. I didn’t know that the sky was that blue. I did not know many things that I thought I knew. I just happened to recognize them as “special” after I visited New York.
* * * * *In the school, everyone was talking about me. All of my classmates asked me uncountable questions during homeroom. I had heard the same questions over and over every single time I met my friends, and I exhaustedly keep telling them exactly what I said before. At the same time, I felt great because I felt like someone famous.
* * * * *Days like that didn’t last so long, even though I was annoyed for a week or so. My life got back to normal eventually, and visiting NY seemed like a very long time ago. Everyday, I went to school as usual, I was barely awake in the classes, and I got so hyper right after the bell rang, which told us it was the end of the last period. At the time, what I was into was only fencing on my team and talking with some cute chicks. That was all what I was thinking about, twenty-four seven. I somehow thought I was going to stay a kid. I could prevent myself from growing up, but I believed that my life would be the same, so that I don’t have to worry about anything. I thought I would go to high school because all my friends went.
* * * * *It was the last year of my junior high school. I became the captain of my fencing team. I had been practicing this martial art since I was 6 years old, so my skill was pretty amazing. I often became the champion and was well-known by many people since I got into many newspapers. This was the year I spent most of my time on my team, because there was a national tournament once a year, and it was my last chance. I practiced every day, as many hours as I could. The closer it got to the tournament, the harder my practice got.
* * * * *One day before the tournament, I had only a team meeting instead of a practice. During the meeting, my coach was telling us about the days we had worked for. He wept in front of us, which we never saw before, because he was a scary person at practices, and told us how much he believed in us. I was moved by how much he cared about us. For my teammates and coach, I told myself that I had to prove to everyone else that what we have gone through was worth it by winning this tournament.
* * * * *On the night when I was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep even though I got into bed 2 hours before. I knew I had to sleep because I couldn’t mess up all that progress I had made, but I could hear my heart beating out loud in my room. I could hear anything, like a dog barking on the street. I tried not to think. I had been in bed, awake, for 3 or 4 hours. Since it seemed that I never was going to sleep, I had to take some sleeping pills, which worked unbelievably.
* * * * *The day finally came. It was a bad, rainy day, but it was very fine weather in my mind. It was funny that my parents were more excited than I was. My mom was cooking so much stuff that I liked and got everything ready when I woke up. We left home early because we wanted to have enough time, since we never knew what was going to happen.
* * * * *We were right. There was a big traffic jam that made us double time. Waiting in the car without doing anything seemed very long. I looked outside of the window. I realized it was just like the time I was on the way back to the airport in New York. I felt nostalgic that everything I have done and my memories ran though my head just like a movie film. In my head, things were going crazy and fast. But, on the other hand, the motion of my body movement was really slow. I always have a special feeling that I cannot explain in the words when I was in that kind of situation.
* * * * *“Hey, Naruto. We are here!” my parents said. It brought me back from the nostalgic feelings, and I was right back to reality. Suddenly, my heart started beating so hard that I though everyone around me could hear. There were many people at the huge tournament stadium. Among them, I saw my teammates and friends waving their hands to me, and I felt quite relaxed.
* * * * *We all went into the building together. Its passageway was a little bit dark and crowded. But, when we crossed the passageway and entered to the center of the stadium, I barely could open my eyes. It was very much brighter than where we had been walking through, and there were uncountable people surrounding the play courts and screaming. I felt great and so nervous at the same time. But, as time went on, I found myself getting comfortable, which I thought came from our confidence that we could earn from our hard endless practices.
* * * * *The tournament started. We beat other teams one by one. It was unbelievable that it worked out so well. We almost had perfect games in the beginning. But, of course, it got harder and harder as we went onto the semifinals and finals. In the semifinal, we were already so tired that we almost passed out. However, there were many of my friends and family cheering for us, which made us not give up. When we stood on the court, we could feel everyone with us, and it was not about us anymore. It was involving everyone who was there for us, which gave us strength, and then we won the semifinal as well as the finals.
* * * * *“We did it!” we shouted. It was funny that for some reasons we could not help crying. It was one of the best feelings I had. After all those long uncountable practices, I proudly could tell that it was worth it and that all things we had done were right. After that, we went to even a bigger tournament, representing our state.
* * * * *As we came back from the big tournament, there was no one who didn’t know us. Not only in our school, but wherever we went, everyone could recognize us and gave us a “Good job!” All the things we haddone were for ourselves. We did it because we wanted to. We didn’t know it had so much influence on many people around us, and we never expected it to be like that. When my friends and I went to a restaurant in my city, they even sometimes gave us free food. Over that one night, it was like that I became totally different person.
* * * * *In the middle of my last senior year, things around me stayed the same. I was “Naruto” whom everyone knew. It felt great. I thought everything was going to be as I wanted it to be. Since it was my last year in junior high school, I had to think about which high school I was going to. Even though I never studied, I was not worried about what I was going to do.
* * * * *My classmates started worrying about high schools, I was not still worried. I thought everything was just going to be fine, and it was. Many famous high schools which all had prestige in academic and sports came to my school and my house to talk to my parents and my school headmaster, asking if I could play sports for their schools. Everything was very good and I didn’t even have to pay tuitions where I was going to live. Then, I decided to go to one of the private schools because there were so many of the best players from all over the place, and it was the place I could improve my skills. My parents were understanding in that they wanted me to do whatever I chose to do, and they thought it was alright to let me go to school to play sports because my other sisters were in the United States studying hard to make their dreams come true.
* * * * *However, being honest, I didn’t like fencing. In spite of that, everyone, my teammates and my coach, expected me to do well. I only concentrated on this one sport, fencing, for more than half of my life. I was interested in other sports too, but I never could join anything else. It actually felt great when I was playing for myself, but most of the time I was playing it for someone else, which made me hate it little by little. However, that was what I have being doing for my whole life, so it was hard to get out of the circle, and my life got much easier if I just played sports for people. They give me the good name of the high school only because I was playing it. Even after high school, I was almost promised that I was going to be going to one of the best colleges in Japan. All those things could happen only if I kept fencing.
* * * * *I had another dream of becoming a pilot, which I forced myself to forget because I knew it was the hard way to make it. Then, since the life that was already made up by other people was easier and realistic, I just tended to tell myself that fencing and getting a good job because of it was the life I wanted to have. I didn’t want to lie to myself, but since that was the only thing I could do, I didn’t want to deny what I was going to do, which was why I was telling everyone that I wanted to go play sports for high school, even though the truth was that it was not really what I wanted to do.
* * * * *Everyone was happy with my decision because they thought I was going to do what was the best for me. They were jealous of me since I didn’t have to worry about anything and they were so worried about what they were going to do. However, the thing that no one but I knew was that I was the one who was jealous of everyone. To me, they looked alive and vivid as they worried and took a long time to think about the ways of their lives, and they, unlike me, tried to do whatever they wanted to do for their future, even if their ways to their goals were hard. When I was looking at them, I actually found myself miserable and small. And day by a day, I felt left alone in my mind where no one knew about me. However, I was still the one who everyone looked up to. But, I never showed how I felt and what I thought to everyone because it would deny my existence.
* * * * *Time passes really quickly. It was already June, when the sun shined on us as if it was going to burn our skin. In the very early morning, my phone rang. I knew it was my sister because she was the only one who always called in early mornings. In the beginning, we were talking about normal topics we usually talked about. However, she asked me about what I was planning to do after graduating my junior high school. I said, “Ummm. You know, I was scouted by one of the best high schools to play sports. So, I guess I will just go there.” Then, she said, “Is that what you want to do?” When she said it, I felt like a knife sticking my heart. I thought she knew that was not what I really wanted to do as my sister and I often talked about our lives. She again asked, “So, what are you going to do after you graduate the high school?” “I don’t know, but I am sure that I am going to be scouted by one of the best colleges if I go to the high school to play sports.” She then said, “How about after that!? Are you going to keep doing that forever? You know life is not that easy. You cannot play sports for a living!” I had no response because I knew she was right. I could only be a gym teacher or play sports for some famous company, but that was me not facing reality. I just wanted to take the easiest way where I didn’t even have to try hard. My sister shouted, “You got no life!” She hung up. I was holding my phone for a while, thinking about what just happened. I was speechless. My mind was like see-through in that she just said everything that I had never spoke of.
* * * * *For the next few months, I couldn’t forget about the argument I had with my sister. I tried to forget, but it was the thing just like people wouldn’t forget once they hear it. Moreover, I was worried if my sister was still mad at me, because she hadn’t called me since then.
* * * * *My phone rang in the morning. I looked at my cell phone screen, and then it said it was my sister. I nervously picked it up. I said, “Hello....what’s up? Anything new?” “Yape. You are coming here.” I shouted, “What!? What are you talking about!?” Then, she came, “I applied to this high school near my house. Somehow, you got accepted. So, you are coming here. Anyway, let me talk to mom and dad.” I handed my cell to my dad. I still didn’t understand what going on was. I just could see my parents and my sister were talking about my going to a high school in New York, where she lived.
* * * * *They were talking about it for so long. After they finished talking, I asked my parents about what they had been talking about. There was no need to ask them. From their faces, I could tell that my sister succeeded in convincing them to send me there. My parents were always listening to my sisters because they believed in them so much since they were what people called “Perfect kids.” I also respected her. So, my parents told me that my sister was worried about my future and wanted me to come to New York to study with her. I also tried to convince my parents how impossible it was to go to America. It was not as easy as they made it sound. First of all, I didn’t even know any English. Second of all, I already decided to go to a high school which scouted me. Last, I also had a life which I had built here, and there were a lot of my friends. I just couldn’t think of throwing away everything I had in Japan just because my sister wanted me to come. But, my parents seemed like they already made their decisions. No matter what I said, they thought I was better off with my sister than playing sports forever.
* * * * *I argued with my parents over and over. I told my friends that my parents wanted me to go to New York. I thought they would understand me, but they all said that it was nice and I should go. It was funny that I kept asking them what I should do, even though I already knew they were going to say that I should go. I did that, maybe because it made me feel good that people envied me about it, and I knew that I had to go to New York anyway since they already made up their minds. So, it helped my mind to get ready to go as they kept telling me that I should go.
* * * * *One day, I talked to my parents again. Then, I told them that I decided to go, and I was going to try my best. But, I made them promise that if I didn’t like it there and couldn’t do it, even how hard I tried, I was going to come back. It was already in the beginning of August when cicadas were singing loud in the forest.
The last month of my summer vacation had gone so fast. I spent as much time as I could to have fun with my friends. I never had fooled around and spent time that much before. I was crazy as if there were no tomorrow. I didn’t want to miss anything after I was gone to New York. Maybe, my parents understood how I felt, and they didn’t say anything to what I did for the last month.
* * * * *Day by day, I realized how serious the situation that I was going to America was. All I was thinking about first was that it would sound very cool to my friends that I was going to the America, which was one of the biggest reasons that I told everyone that I decided to go. But, I started to worry about what I actually was going to do after I came to NY because I couldn’t speak English at all. How could I possible survive in school without any friends? I felt so much pressure on my heart that I couldn’t catch my breath well sometimes. On the other hand, my friends were always there to cheer me up, which made me feel so guilty to them and nervous for the new life I was going to start in NY.
* * * * *Time went by very quickly. Everything seemed yesterday. Tomorrow, I was going to leave. My friends made a surprise party for me, in which I couldn’t help crying. I tried to smile. I didn’t want to make my friends worried as I cried, but I found all of us crying at the next moment. There was no talking, but we felt each other in our hearts rather than speaking a word. I didn’t even remember how long we were crying. All of my tears were gone, and only my red eyes were left.
* * * * * After the party, the sky was already dark. I walked a long way to go home, burning everything I saw and felt into my consciousness. Every time I saw things, I recalled my nostalgic memories. If I could, I didn’t want to believe that I wasn’t going to see them all after tomorrow. The decision I made in the end was a very big deal and change even though I was still only fifteen years old who didn’t even know himself.
* * * * *The day had come. I couldn’t sleep all the night as I had too much things to think about, and I also had to pack all of my stuffs. My room didn’t look like mine after the packing. I stood in the middle of my room for while even though I didn’t mean to do anything. I just stood there maybe for some reasons I didn’t know. As my parents shouted my name, I grabbed my stuffs and carried into a car. My parents were waiting in the car. They seemed a little sad about that all of their kids were gone if I left also, but they were also happy for my challenging in the new world.
* * * * *In the car on the way to the airport, my parents were talking to each other. But, I was leaning on a window and did nothing. My head was really empty, and I didn’t even know what I was thinking. It was very nice sunny day so that I could hear kids playing. Their voice kept echoing in my head over and over. I was in my own world now where time seemed so slow.
* * * * *The next moment, I realized my mom was saying something to me, “Hey, Naruto, we are here.” Her voice brought me back from my own world. Then everything again started moving faster and faster. I got out of the car, grabbed my stuffs, and walked into the airport. After I checked in, I had about for an hour to spend in the airport with my parents. My parents were talking to me with non-stop, and I was just listening to what they were saying. It was surprising that I didn’t cry in front of them because I thought I was going to cry in the airport right before I left. But maybe I didn’t even have energy to cry since I was very exhausted. The one hour was nothing, and it was already the time for me to leave. My parents were shouting out loud, “Naruto, we know you can do it! Listen to your sisters, and try to do your best.” I waved my hand until they were gone from my sight.
* * * * *I sat on the airplane with no one I knew in the silence. All my emotion and feelings exploded as the airplane started moving. Now, I even forgot how tired I was, and I was crying. Many things, my good memories, even bad memories, friends, and regrets, crossed my mind. I regretted that I didn’t talk to my parents in the airport just because I was exhausted. I regretted now many things that I had done in the past, but, at the same time, I learned that I cannot change anything that had happened before. However, I can change something in the future. So, I had told myself to get my chin up and to do my best in NY, where my new life started even though I knew that it was not going to be easy but very hard and harsh.
* * * * *Four years later, I found myself laughing in a class with my Americans friends. I joined all that teams I possibly could, and I had made a lot of friends, which I thought never would happen before I came here. There was me no more who used to worry about how I was going to do in the new world, New York. I surely made my own space here where I could feel comfortable. However, it had not been very easy to make this happen.
* * * * *The first year when I came to New York, I was always lost in translation. No one understood me, and I neither understood them. I didn’t even remember how many times I cried and how many times I wanted to escape. But, I remember I hated myself more than anyone because I could feel how weak and powerless I was. But, every time I read my friends’ e-mails to me, I told myself I couldn’t go back to Japan like a loser who couldn’t achieve anything. So, I stayed and decided that I was going to go back to Japan when I was not ashamed of myself. I worked hard night after night.
* * * * *After this first endless year, my English improved a little by little. Now, I didn’t have so many problems in school. My grades went higher, and my friends were nice to me. I actually started to like New York. Moreover, most importantly I had a dream that I wanted to do, and I was not embarrassed to tell people about my dream like I used to because my dream was out there where I could reach as long as I worked hard. Now, I was making my own decision for my sake. I used to hate my sisters who made me come here, but now I could not stress too enough how thankful I always was to them. I never actually told them, “Thank you,” for everything they had done to me. But, someday soon I will tell them how great sisters I have gotten.
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