Time to Fly
Almost two years ago, I decided to live separately from my husband. Our marriage reached a dead end, and I found all the efforts we made came to meaningless struggles. Now, sharing time turned out to be deadly silence or unbearable fighting. Nevertheless, I was still considering if separation and divorce were really profitable deals for me or not. If I decided to pack up my things and fly back to Japan things were simple. However, at that time I was on the way to completing the Computer Management Information System program in college, which was probably the first work I made positively ever since I came to America. I didn’t want to give up．When I chose to live in America without my husband’s help, I suddenly noticed that I was filled with fear and problems which seems to be out of my control. For the last 10 years, I had totally depended on him just as I had done on my grandmother in Japan before I married. Through those experiences, I got one unhealthy belief that I was not capable of handling life. Therefore, coping with life always meant to me to rely on others. In fact, even though we were fighting all the time, I still needed him at my convenience. I needed him financially, socially and emotionally.
In those days I made only $6.50 an hour at a retail store. How could I make payments for all my bills? In fact, cash handing was one of the hardest problems for me. It was hard even when I was working as a designer and had tripled my income before I came to America. Every month, I used to find myself flat broke one week before the payday. I lived at my parents’ house free, so I never could figure out how I trashed all that money. But after all, I knew my parents would help me, so it didn’t matter. I didn’t change too much even after I married. However, once I decided to live on my small paycheck, I couldn’t be irresponsible like that anymore. Every penny counted, so I set myself a tight budget. Keeping a job became very important. I couldn’t take a day off or two every other week like I used to because of headaches, stomachaches, being hung over, bad weather or simply because I didn’t feel like going to work. It was not as complicated matter. I learned that I could manager money just fine without somebody’s help.
Another reason why I needed him was because of my lack of assertiveness. I wanted him to stand up for me. Without his aggressiveness, how was I supposed to say anything to noisy neighbors, barking dogs, or salespersons? Before I married, my grandmother did all those jobs for me, and then my husband did after that. Now who?
When I decided to live alone, the biggest worry was uncertainty that nobody would help me anymore. I really didn’t notice that it was the greatest chance in my life to make my own decision and take its consequence for the first time in my life. This small but first change had happened when I stopped the price of cold cereal, which was charged wrongly at the checkout counter at the grocery store. First, I couldn’t say anything. Usually, complaining was my husband’s job. Besides, it was only a dollar, and I thought it was embarrassing to ask a refund in front of the people who were waiting. After I returned to the car, I started to get angry about my lack of assertiveness. After blaming myself for 30 minutes, I found that it was not worth it. I returned to the store and talked to the clerk at the service counter. They checked the price and gave me a refund with an apology. It was that easy. All the anger and self-blame was gone, and I felt good about myself. It was not a matter of money, but my self-esteem. Similar incidents changed me a little bit each time. After all, I really didn’t become assertive, but I found that I could speak up when I had to. I learned I could stand up for me without help.
Beside financial and social worries, I had to have him to satisfy my emotional need. I had to have somebody who smiled, talked and shared feelings with me, and my husband did a good job to comfort me, at least before we started to argue. Of course, I had friends. We enjoyed eating out and chatting together, but somehow I was ashamed of showing my emotion. I like to show off and wanted them to thing that I was a happy woman. I think I didn’t trust them. It was when I was talking about how to check the tire pressure with my Filipino friend that I acted differently. She asked me why I didn’t let my husband do all that work. I couldn’t tell a lie and I said that was getting divorce. I think I looked sad. She stared at me for a while, and then she started to talk about her divorce, which she never told me before. It made it easier to talk about my feelings. Until then, we looked at each other as just friends. She turned out to be a supportive friend who never forgets mentioning that she really cared for me. Once I stopped hiding my emotion, it became easier to find another good friends.
I was raised by grandmother who was extremely protective. She made every decision for me and never allowed my independence. All I did was what I was told. I was not happy about her control over me, but it seemed awful to dislike devoting grandmother. I blamed myself when I started to hate her instead of giving appreciation and obedience. In spite of my strong feeling, I needed her as well. She was always standing by me, and was ready to take all my responsibility. It didn’t take time to realize that I was addicted to convenience. Even if thing turned out bad, it was not my fault, and I always could blame her. I learned how to relay on people instead of doing by myself. At the same time, I started to believe strongly that I couldn’t handle my life by myself, so I should stick to somebody who is reliable. As I grew, this belief became even stronger. The similar relationship as I had with my grandmother was brought into marriage. I became a devoted wife, and I sacrificed a lot to maintain marriage peacefully. However, those actions were not free. When I think about them carefully, I find I was a very demanding person just as my grandmother did to me.
After six months separation, we decide not to divorce. However, the relationship with him couldn’t be the same. I learned I could live by myself, so I didn’t have to force him to take care of me anymore.
After this separation, I learned a lot about myself. Now I can see how unhealthy I was. Once I decided to change, my past experience can be my teacher.
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