Here in this diary...
So lately, I feel like I'm at a crossroads, one leading me to ICU in Japan, the other here, to City College. I wish I'd have applied to schools here, it was both a combination of laziness and stupidity that kept me from applying... But who knew that something like this would happen to me?!?!? I don't know what to do anymore, it's not fair. But I know God will lead me to where I should go, where I'll ben needed in his ministry, eventually. But now, part of me wants to stay here, and just continue to lead the life that I have. I never thought I would feel this way, that I would actually think about staying, just for one person. I don't know, and I just stupid for even considering this? I bet people who see us together just sort of dismiss our relationship, thinking it's some sort of fling, like it'll never last. But deep down inside, I truly hope it does. And I don't really care what everybody thinks. Maybe we can prove them wrong. But am I just being naive? For even thinking that I shouldn't go? What if I don't get in? Should I still move to Japan? Or stay here? What if things don't work out? I mean, honestly, we've only been together for not even a month. Maybe I am really dumb to be even considering this an option. I don't really know what he thinks. All he'll say is, is that if I'm happy with my life, then he'll be happy too. But he didn't say that we'll be happy while we're still together. I mean, let's face it. Long-distance relationships have a 1 in 17 chance of succeeding, it seems like. Maybe even less. And if we remain together, we'll have to spend months, literally years, apart from each other. He's planning on staying in Santa Barbara for a long time (possibly forever) and I want to travel the world, live in Lyon, France for my third and forth year of college, and then off to go around the world sharing the word. Oh, Lord, am I going to be able to do it? Well, we'll just have to wait and see...
Anyway, I got a little sidetracked. The point is, there's a reason I'm lagging on my essay, getting letters of recommendation and my transcript. I think a part of me still won't accept the fact that I'm about to ship off for a whole new horizon. Can you imagine? Living in a "foreign" country. Over here, I was always sheltered, and only exposed to Japanese people who weren't very "Japanese-like", and I still have trouble talking to young Japanese people. I feel like I can't keep up with their pace. It's like I'm on a treadmill, and they're increasing the speed, and I'm desperately trying to keep up. Oh my goodness, I better stop here, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm writing things that's just gibberish. So good night for now.
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