Life is beautiful, right?
I really like reading the Bible at the weekly BYSUTA, but I also like reading and reflecting by myself too. It's very peaceful, and even though I should have been tired (it was 3AM for goodness sakes!!!), strangely, I was wide awake. I prayed at the end, for Kiyo, my family, especially my dad, and the youth group. Also, for Saya, who's in Japan, working so hard, that little busy bee. I hope she's doing well. I sent her an email a couple days ago and I've been checking my email a couple times a day just to see if she wrote back... she hasn't yet, though. I can't wait to hear back from her, she always has such wonderful and wise things to say... I also wrote to dad, about what I've been thinking about lately. I hope he gets it soon and emails me back.
I really should start keeping a diary. A real-life one, I mean. Lately I've had a lot of "firsts" in my life, so I should record them down so later, when I'm a grown woman, I can reflect back and read about the "good ol' days" of me as a teenager.
Lately I'm just so tired. I feel like I'm spreading myself really thin. It may not seem like that to the people around me, but I can't help feeling that way. It's exhuasting when you like someone so much that you want to spend every hour with that person, and do stuff for that person. But it's so rewarding, seeing that smile on his face, getting that thankful smile... It's all worth it. I never thought I would be that person who does all this stuff for her person. But I am. "Koi wa onnawo kaerune" is what I want to say. Aiyaiyai, I'm a hopeless case.
But, it's not like everything's peachy keen over in paradise. Sometimes we have our little riffs. Sometimes we say things to each other that really really hurt. Lately, I've been experiencing that quite frequently. But I don't think he's aware of it. I don't know if I should tell him, because I don't want to seem like a little kid, like I can't take a little verbal abuse (That seems dramatic. It's not really like that). But sometimes the words he says pierces my heart and I feel that deep pang over and over, even into the next day. And I'm the type of person that doesn't get extremely emotional that easily in front of people, but before everything, I could count on one hand the number of times I cried in front of people. But now, I feel so weak and vulnerable, since I'm giving this relationship all my being, all my heart. It's such a huge risk, but that's what life is all about, isn't it?
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