"Self"
How I Become Myself
It seems that my life as a communicator had started with the two main recognitions, which were both given by my family, especially by my mother. One of them is the recognition of being loved. The other is the recognition of "good and bad".
When I was a small child, I had seven family members, including myself, who lived together. Seven people in one family is rather big number for Japanese modern style of family. According to my genogram, I noticed that "big families" are often seen in my mother's side relatives. For example, my mother had also 7 family members, and her mother had as many as 9 brothers and sisters, then one of my grandmother's sister had 10 children at all. Brought up in a large family sometimes give people tolerance, because not always they can do what they want to do for they have to care other members situation. Yet, living with many family members can give each ones the sense of being secure, for the net of love is wove overlapingly. A large family is like a team, when it function properly.
In my family, there seemed no communication triangle whice were seen in the films, "ordinary people" and "family game". Each one said what they think to the others, although there was atmosphere which prohibit children to argue against parents or other elder members. The reason why my family had no big problems might be because each one played his/her own part only. Mother is mother, father is father, grandparents are grandparents, aunt is aunt, and, children are children. Boundaries between one and the other were clear. Those boundaries give members the limitation of action but restore their role at the same time. Letting alone the question that if it caused the members' frustration to keep themselves in their territories only, living with many people can give good lesson of how to cope with others.
My mother, who is used to live in a large family, had a good sense of making relationships. On the contrary, my father and his relatives had smaller families, and they were not as skillful as my mother in communicating with others. As her daughter, I liked her and she was scary for me at the same time, when I was small, and now that I am an adult, I started to respect her in addition to simple love. She let me know that I am loved, and she taught me that one must not tell a lie. These two recognition helped me to start communicating with others. In addition, these two things still rules my everyday life: I believe that I am loved, and I must not lie.
However, since my younger brother was born, I had a feeling that I would not be loved if I behave badly. I noticed that "being loved" which I tool it for granted, was a special thing. From then on, I have been a "good girl", based on my family's education and, a little bit of an obsession. I remember myself that I was a girl with few willfulness. I sometimes find myself tired of acting "good girl" even today, but I have no idea how I can be set free, for I can not imagine what is not "good girl" nor have no courage to go different way from which I had been practicing. So I work hard to make myself at least look "free". As the inner child exercise reminded me, the desire for the freedom can be fond in the story which I was reading as a girl, "Lapntzel", a story of a princess who shut in a high tower and waited for a prince to come to rescue her. I was (and AM?) a "good girl", who dreamed to be a carefree, capricious women someday.
My Contradiction
The other exercises showed me who I am very well, for different exercises resulted in suggesting similar characters. On the inner child exercises, I mentioned "Lapntzel", as one of my favorite stories. Other favorites were "Mary Poppins" and "Prince of Happiness". I liked these main characters, for they are special, and alone. Liking to be special and alone can be a useful keyword to describe myself.
"Special and alone" character was also suggested in the exercise of Hero's wheel. The result of that exercise showed that I have the character of "wanderer". According to the analyzing picture, this character tries to establish the independence, feeling alone at the same time. This well match with my Enneagram result, which was the most surprising. My character was categorized into the "4" group. Talking with the same "4" people, we found many things in common. There are some examples which we agree with each other;
>Needs clarity and logical reasons to be convinced.
>Control others according to own intention, while not looking
willful.
>Dislike to be thought "ordinary".
>Prefer being alone and feel uncomfortable to be in a group.
>Used to get misunderstood as "difficult" person to get along
with.
>Want someone who understands me.
>Think I am I, and try to keep own pace in doing things.
>Sometimes want to be treated with special affection.
>Want to be only 1, and think I am so.
>Sensitive and vulnerable, but do not show that part to the others.
Now I feel that I am working well as a communicator, though I do not think that I am living showing my true self on surface. It is not that difficult thing for me to think about what the others are thinking, and when conflicts happen, I often play a role of mediator. Also, I am good at defending myself against other people's attack. I can be a bridge between people. I have my own armor. Yet, or should I say "so", I have great difficulty to show my weakness, while trusting others. Because of those kind of my character, there is a fear that I would be just a "dependable", convenient person as Please Understand Me exercise suggests. I might be just waiting for someone who steps into my world even if the way were a bit rough.
This exercise threw the gap between ideal and reality into relief. In short, I love and hate loneliness at one time. I hesitate and want to be independent at one time. It seems to be the cause of my frustration and confusion. I can say that these exercises of "selves" helped me a lot to find the contradictions which occur inside myself. Now I am searching for the good balance at which I can be a good communicator showing true myself.
Building New Relationships
My present problems in communicating others is that I feel tired to meet and make friends with new people. It needs much power to try to understand others and show myself to them. I might be getting more "introvert". In addition, while longing for the one who understands me, or to say precisely, the one who accept true me, I somehow think that there will be no such person. In addition, relatinships are not permanent, it hurts so mcuh to lose relationships. Because there is so much difference between people, I just can not imagine where mature understanding stands up. Realizing the fact that everyone is different, I am thinking what the next stepwhich makes the recognition of difference into respect, understanding would be.
I have observed others when I meet them for the first time, then contemplated how to get along them and how to get leadership in that relationships. Having initiative in relationship makes me feel relieved for I am not used to be on an equal position with others. This could be because I have been brought up in a secure, but tight "adult to children" relationship. However, it is about time to change my way of thinking. I should try to have the "win-win negotiation" by " agency through co-determination".
"Self", Like a River
"Selves" are very difficult to grasp their fact. They can be contextual, or like sliding doors. Yet, I would like to compare "self" to a river. A river looks the same always, but the water in it is not the same. "Self" is like a river. It changes day by day, but the change is not apparent. Some would say everything has changed, others would say that nothing has changed. When regarding oneself as a "river", it could be easy to accept any changes, in addition to have a dignified bearing. Even changes are part of new "self".
次へ
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