Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Always

★　I am Canadian

This is an article from the Sunday Sun by Gary Dunford.

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader.

I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled.

I watch TV too much. I buy what beer ads tell me to even though the microbrews taste better and don't give me gunky headaches.

I am Canadian.

I have a prime minister not a president. And I will vote for him again and again until all my countrymen agree he is as loopy as Trudeau or Mulroney and we have to beat him off us with sticks. We vote for them until we kill them. Yet Yanks still say we are a nice people. Go figure.

I am Canadian.

I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation.
I believe ballet dancers should keep dancing until they are 80 years old, since I'm never gonna watch it anyway. But hockey players should probably get off the rink before they're 35. I believe serial killers should go to prison for a while, but smartass kid criminals, maybe not so long.
I love the Leafs. For 30 years. For no good reason.

I am Canadian.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I own two sets of jumper cables.
I have a cable modem AND a phone ISDN and neither of them work exactly as advertised and I can't do a damn thing about it. I have never seen HBO or Animal Planet. I know that someday the CRTC will pat me on the head and let Rogers sell them to me. I pay for the CBC but prefer Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, a game I cannot play nor win. I love CNN and A&E.

I am Canadian.
I speak English and French, not American, and I pronounce it a-bout, not a-boot.
I pay higher taxes than any citizen in the civilized world, and recognize everybody but me knows best how they should be spent.
I finance a pension system that will not benefit me in my old age. I load up my RSP with maximum foreign content. My broker says we'll make a lot of money in options and high tech. He's 26. I believe him.

I am Canadian.

I believe the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
I would swerve for a squirrel but not a snake. I believe somebody else should shovel up road kill.
I believe Mike Harris is evil and Joe Clark is a boob and Preston Manning is a joke and Jean Chretien is past it and Mel Lastman is a clown and the only true heroes are actors in plaid flannel shirts who do TV beer commercials.
I hate the GST and carry a lot of cash, especially if we're remodeling the kitchen.

I am Canadian.

I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I'm glad Elian is not my problem.
I know Wayne's World was a documentary about Scarborough, not a comedy.
I believe doughnuts are good for you. Sometimes I spring for the full dozen. But I watch my weight, like Monica Lewinsky.

I am Canadian.

A tuque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch and it is pronounced Zed, not Zee. ZED!
A call centre is a necessary barrier between me and the companies that sell gas, phone, cable that quite rightly don't want to hear from me. My bank pisses me off. I would change banks, except that I have already been a customer of all four other banks and they pissed me off too.

I stand in line to talk to an ATM. I pay fees. I simmer. I sulk.

I am Canadian.

I know the cry of the loon is the sweetest sound on the planet. But since you can't make money in the woods, I do a loon call myself, usually late at night. I believe in high-speed police chases, unless they are chasing me. I support the newest Waterfront Redevelopment Scheme and will like the next one even more. I will drive the two-lane Gardiner Expressway on the hottest day this July and curse a blue streak. I'll get in the right-hand lane when I damn well feel like it.

I am Canadian.
I believe in bass boats, rolling up the rim and Saturdays at Canadian Tire. I say "Eh" and "okey-dokey." I brake for snowbirds and March break.

I paid to build a superhighway across the top of Toronto, paid again to drive it and will pay a third time to get my licence plate when it turns out several 407ETR bills were sent to the wrong place. I pay taxes in quarterly installments, so they can spend it as fast as I earn it.

I am Canadian.

Canada is the second-largest land mass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America!

My name is Dunf. And I am Canadian.

Thank you.

More beer for everybody, quick.

Let's get really, really loaded.

Gary Dunford.

My name is Jim, and I am Canadian

I am a minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this country.

I was born in 1972, yet I am responsible for some native's great, great grandfather who screwed himself out of his land in the1800's.

I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario

I'm allowd to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seatbelt

All the money I make up until mid-July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant.

These same people cannot name this country's new territory.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to seperate,

Quebecstill provides my nation's Prime Ministers.

95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.

I believe that paying 200% tax on alcohol is fair.

I believe the same tax on gasoline is also fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.

I DO know Jeff from Toronto.

I often badmouth the United States, then vacation there 3x's a yr.

I'm led to believe some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes $30.hr　is underpaid and therefor must go on strike, but paying $10.hr to　someone who works 12 hrs on an oil rig is fair.

I believe in paying $30 million for 3 stripes (The Voice of Fire) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it, or will ever see it.

When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say, "oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans".

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry, ecause I control the rain.

My National Anthem has versions in both official languages,

and I don't know either of them.

Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest mlitary buffer for the United States, and the number one dstination for fleeing boat people.

I am not an angry white male. I am an angry broke taxpayer.

My name is Jim, and I am Canadian.

Anonymous

I am Wasagan....
I am not a high school graduate, a biker or topless.
I did not marry a cousin
I don't piss in the lake
and I did not take the muffler off my rust bucket on purpose.

I don't know Louie, Guido or Franko from Beach 1
Although I am certain they were baptized Roman Catholic

I worship the thong.
I wear a bandanna.
I believe in flipping the bird as a formal greeting.

And I pronounce it Wa-sog-a, not Wa-say- ga

I can proudly wear my t-shirt that says "It could be worse I could live in
Scarborough".

Jet Skis are a form of transit.
Gas prices should be jacked up on long weekends.
and sex with an underage minor is just a hobby.

I live on pogey and I am damn proud of it.

Wasaga is the worlds longest fresh water beach
The first beach of toplessness
and a place where urban renewal is best done with a match.

My name is Gino. And I am Wasagan.

Dave Foster

ジャンル別一覧