Humor: Every Influencer Post Ever

Wow! So many of you have reached out via DMs, comments, emails, texts, handwritten letters, phone calls to my husband, smoke signals and telepathy to ask where you could buy the shirt I was wearing in yesterday's post! Well, you can't; I found it in the garbage.

**GIVEAWAY!** Want to win this fabulous gift basket full of beauty products I'd never use or put anywhere near my face?! All you have to do is follow me, follow my 250 best friends, like this post, print it out, frame it, hang it near your bed, look at it every night, cry a little, and tag your therapist—and you could win!

It took me some time to share this, but Jeremy and I have decided to part ways. In an era of transparency, you should know the truth. Jeremy was poorly behaved, confrontational, demanding, childish, loud, and wouldn't stop pissing on the white couch. Luckily, the CockaDooLabraPoo Shelter took Jeremy back. Sending light and love to myself during this hard time. RIP Jeremy. (Not dead, just gone.)

I'm a full-time mom, but that doesn't stop me from being sexy every couple of weeks! That's why I teamed up with @HellaGoodVibesBabe to offer all my sizzling-hot mamas their best-selling adult toy, the Zapster, for FREE. The Zapster vibrates so aggressively, it zaps you into another dimension where your kids and partner don't even exist! To get your hands on a FREE Zapster, simply DM me your credit card number, security code and expiration date. #HellaGoodVibesBabePartner

My step uncle passed away suddenly last week. I'm devastated, as you can see from this candid video of me crying in the kitchen. Speaking of kitchens, the only thing making me feel better right now is my $6.99 milk frother from Amazon. Use promo code UGHGRIEF to get a dollar off yours now. #Sad #Frother #StepUncle

It's come to my attention that the protein shake powder company I launched last week is facing some unforeseen controversy. Please be patient as we work through some issues for 'Tein Love.

Happy anniversary to my beautiful girlfriend! The last 11 years haven't been easy, but they have been fun. For me, at least. Thank you for loving me, putting up with me and doing life with me. (Even though I keep fake-proposing to you. LOL.) Anyway, I love you so much but not enough to choose a flattering picture of you for this post.

Many of you may have noticed that my boyfriend of 11 years and I have broken up. Our relationship was unfortunately doomed, and also unhinged — which is why I've partnered with @Hinge to find a new one! Stay tuned for some of the worst dating advice you've ever heard in your life.

Get ready with me to go see my brother! (In prison. For murder. @Netflix, new doc when?)

Get ready with me to take my 29-month-old daughter to see her first R-rated movie! (Comments have been turned off.)

Get ready with me to take a luxury trip to Bali with Devil Cosmetics. (Trip gifted in exchange for my soul.)

One thing about me is: I'm extremely relatable. That's why I'm sharing how much I spent last year at Erewhon: $1.7 million dollars.

It's fall, so you know what that means! Leaves, pumpkins and a million reasons to wear my chocolate-colored activewear bodysuit from Old Navy! Every time I put it on, my husband Terry calls me the "old brown log." (He's so obsessed!) Want to get your hands on this fun fall favorite? Comment below with "old brown log," and I'll send you a link to something you could've just Googled.

I try to stay out of politics but voting is important. Whether you believe it or not, your vote makes a huge difference, especially in my weekly fashion polls. What seasonal trend do you hate the most? Knee-high boots? Sweater crop tops? Brown Old Navy bodysuits?

HUGE NEWS. I'm starting a podcast called Yap Yap Yap Yap Yap. I'll talk broadly about literally everything that's happening in the world, collab with guests who aren't really sure why they're here, and share the most believable conspiracy theories, like that aliens are real and my barista is one of them.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." — Author Unknown. I'm all about good causes and giving back, which is why I'm supporting Ring Light Blindness Awareness Month. Every year, many influencers suffer from slight vision loss due to the constant and bright stream of light from their content-creating accessories. For every dollar donated, I'll use it to buy my family an in-ground swimming pool. Eventually, I'll invite those who have been diagnosed with RLB over for a swim. Charity is my passion!

You look like you could use a vacation! Enter now to win the Zen Island Sweepstakes. Simply visit the link in my bio. Close the link. Shut down your phone. Throw it away. Ditch your old life. Start a new one. Go off grid. Live in peace. But like and share my post before you do.