Stop telling moms to "Enjoy every moment."

"Enjoy every moment, it goes by so fast." It's one of the most common things we say to mothers, and for a long time. A decade ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. If anything, I would have considered it kind. Now, as a mother and mental health counselor and educator who works with many mothers, I believe that these good intentions could blur our ability to see the mother in front of us. I still believe kindness is at the root of it, I've learned that kindness and impact don't always land in the same place. Here's why these simple words can hurt more than help.

What does it mean?

The mothers I work with are some of the most courageous people I know. They are reparenting their inner children while raising their own, actively trying to maintain a regulated nervous system, and are cultivating emotional intelligence in their households while juggling a seemingly neverending mental load.

One of the things I hear, again and again, is how much a phrase like enjoy every moment stings. It implies that multiple emotions can't coexist. That you can't love your child fiercely and also be exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, or struggling to be present. It implies that stress is a personal failure to push past rather than address. It also implies that a mother who isn't savoring every single moment is doing something wrong.

Here's the ironic part that seems to be overlooked often: mothers who are not missing the moment at all. In fact, many are acutely aware. They notice when their mind drifts and feel guilty for it. They sense that their true experience isn't safe to express and swiftly grow ashamed of it. These are not women who need to be reminded to be present. These are women who need to be supported to be able to access the present of the present. 

There is a specific kind of isolation in being offered blind optimism when what you needed was space to exist. A sprinkling of it goes by so fast in a moment where one feels overwhelmed insinuates that that weight shouldn't be there. Rather than the intended kindness, in truth that is toxic positivity.

Why do we say it?

What makes this phrase so common? Why does it reflexively rise in us when we encounter a mother who seems stressed, overwhelmed, or honest about her experience? 

Part of it is that we don't know what else to say. Maternal struggle makes people uncomfortable, and discomfort often signals a need for cheer, especially when we were never encouraged to explore, understand, or value emotions. 

As a culture, frame maternal mental health as an individual challenge that mothers need to manage, graciously  and silently rather than a social issue that affects all of us and requires all of us. When we rush to remind a mother that time is fleeting, we are (often without meaning to) redirecting her away from what she's actually feeling and back toward what we think she should be feeling.Essentially we declare that her discomfort causes our own. Ultimately, we miss a mother seeking support, even when she's standing right in front of us.

How can we help?

If you feel this phrase rise in your body, consider this:

She already knows time flies.

She already knows she could miss this.

She already knows she's struggling to be present.

Instead of filling the space with optimism, try filling it with presence. Offer her safe space to share. Let her say the hard thing without rushing her toward the bright side. If that does not seem like something you can offer, can you redirect her to where she can? Ask what she needs and how you can support.

Please know that this is not intended to judge or blame. If you have made it this far it isn't about if you have said something wrong; the reality is you opened your heart to exploring what could be done instead and how couldn't that be right?

Maternal health is a social responsibility, and I hope this helps you to see a simple way you can make a difference. Maternal mental health matters every single day, and it starts with making space for mothers to show up authentically, without judgment, bypassing, or blame.