Today's Airport Horoscope

Capricorn

Someone has a secret crush on you and wants to get to know you better, dear Capricorn. Do what you must to win them over but know that it will most likely involve taking off your belt and removing any small coins or objects from your pockets. Love is in the air today, but it's also in the X-Ray machine.

Aquarius

If you choose to be happy today, happy you will be! Put a smile on your face, even if you're seated next to the airplane lavatory and at least three passengers ate bad Chipotle before boarding. Life will smell sweet if you have the right attitude. And also if you threaten to sue the heck out of the airline unless the flight attendant lends you an oxygen mask.

Pisces

It might feel like time is slowing down today. What was supposed to take three hours now takes six. Is it because your soul is tired and in need of a respite from the modern world? Or is it because the flight crew drank too much Fireball at the Cleveland Marriott last night and they're now AWOL? Only the universe and human resources know for sure.

Aries

When you place your head on the pillow tonight, try to not look back and wish that things had been different. A $25 Cinnabon seemed like a good idea at the time.

Taurus

You may experience many strong feelings today, Taurus, especially if the person seated next to you on the plane decides to clip their toenails. Do not let this upset you because as a water sign, you're capable of patience. You're also capable of screaming, "THIS ISN'T YOUR BATHROOM YOU WEIRDO" and dramatically dry heaving into a barf bag. Choose the reaction that most satisfies.

Gemini

Take advantage of down time today to think deeply on the following question: If you recline your seatback, are you a jerk? There are varying opinions and thoughts on this eternal dilemma but persist in finding the answer. Should you get stuck, consider asking the jerk whose head is in your lap for guidance.

Cancer

Your sign is known for its discretion and quick decision-making. This may prove handy today when your laptop loudly auto plays an adult movie. Keep the damage to a minimum via a quick slamming of the lid and a focus-pulling shout of, "Oh my god is that Matthew McConaughey at Gate 12 giving free hugs?!" You can still make it an XXXcellent day.

Leo

Something smells fishy. Is it because you're suspicious of a loved one? Or is it because your sign is notorious for raging, misguided paranoia? It's up to you to determine the odious source, dear one, but the stars show that it's most likely the day-old sushi in your seatmate's carry-on.

Virgo

You feel a bit squeezed today, Virgo. Hostile forces surround you, and you may not feel like you're able to truly spread your wings. Try your best to remain calm, but if you simply must whack a middle manager's elbow off the arm rest he's hogging like a clueless alphamale, the stars will certainly not judge.

Libra

Life is full of ups and downs, but even more so today as there's turbulence on the horizon. Is this because a wintery mix is blowing in from Denver? Or is it because your deeply held suspicion that your father never really loved you will be confirmed when his new wife Brayerleigh forgets to pick you up at baggage claim? Fasten your seatbelt and get ready for a bumpy $65 Uber ride, dear Libra.

Scorpio

Is someone in your life a source of irritation? Does it seem like no matter what you do, they continue to disrupt your calm? You could wait until you reach common ground to take action, but why stress? Take action now to push the flight attendant button and tattle on the yogurt faced brat kicking your seat. But remember: No journey comes without pain, just like no toddler comes without a pissed off mama bear.

Sagittarius

It's a truth of the universe that you can't force others to believe what you believe or behave in a way that makes sense. Therefore, know that you will be happier if you just accept that there will always be annoying people who stand up as soon as the plane lands. Breathe deeply while they clog the aisle with their wildly swinging carry-ons, and remember: never let eye-level jeans distract you from your joy.