Diane Morgan: ‘I’m too working class to have a cleaner’
Born in Greater Manchester in 1975, Diane Morgan is a BAFTA and Emmy-nominated comedian and writer, best known for her performances as Philomena Cunk, BBC Comedy’s deadpan and dimwitted mockumentarist. At age 20, she attended the East 15 Drama School in Essex, but didn’t enter the stand-up comedy circuit until the age of 30; first, she worked odd jobs as a dental nurse, an Avon lady, a factory worker, a telesales caller and even a chip shop potato peeler.
She began to have success as a comedian in 2006, when she was recognised by the Funny Women Awards and the Hackney Empire New Act of the Year, going on to form a stand-up comedy duo with Joe Wilkinson, performing at the Edinburgh Fringe three years in a row. In 2013, she first appeared as Philomena Cunk on Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe , which led to mockumentaries including Cunk on Shakespeare , Cunk on Earth and Cunk on Life . Morgan also stars as Mandy in the BBC Two comedy and as Liz on Motherland, and has appeared on panel shows including Mock the Week and Have I Got News For You
She lives in London with her partner, Ben, and their dog, Bob. This is how she spends her Saturdays.
8am
My partner Ben and I will take little Bob out for a walk. Bob is our 14-year-old rescue dog. While we’re out, we’ll stop somewhere for a coffee. There’s a place near us called La Fromagerie in Bloomsbury that we often go to. It’s the dog’s favourite place because they give him cheese. He tries to get in whenever we go by whether it’s open or closed, so we let him go in on a Saturday. But I’m a vegan now, so the only thing I can eat there is avocado toast.
10am
Then it’s back home and I’ll start learning lines. I don’t really have weekends anymore, because I’m just preparing for the week to come. I’m not complaining. This is what I wanted to do – it’s my own stupid fault. Recently I was writing and memorising the script for a safety campaign I did with Thameslink. Two people get injured on trains in the UK every single day – isn’t that insane?
If I’m not working, I’ll go out to my roof terrace, where I’ve started a garden. The older I get, the more I want to plant things and see them grow, and entice wildlife. I’m trying to attract robins: I’ve got a little nest, a holly bush, and some ivy growing because apparently they like that. I never used to be interested in all this, but something happens to you when you get older. You magically start knowing the names of trees and such without even trying.
2pm
Ben and I like to plan our evening meal early so we’ve got something to look forward to. We’ve just discovered this new recipe that we’re trying not to eat every single night. It’s a baked sweet potato with baked grated tofu in chipotle sauce with this jalapeño dressing. Or roasted butter beans – the expensive ones, not the ones in a tin. Put them on a tray, add a bit of olive oil and bung them in the oven for about half an hour. They come out fluffy and golden like roast potatoes. Finish it off with a squeeze of lemon.
2.30pm
I might clean, because I don’t have a cleaner. I’m very working class so I can’t have someone cleaning for me. I’d just follow them around with a cup of tea, chatting. Ben’s hopeless – he’ll maybe do a weak wipe over the countertop, or spread some coffee grounds over the counter and make it worse. I’ve given up training him. But he can cook, I’ll give him that.
We’ve been together 10 years. We met on [Philomena] Cunk , he was one of the writers. The crew had a wrap party and we started chatting and I thought, “Oh what a lovely man, I really like him.” At the end of the evening he asked me out. I thought it was so brave of him not to do it by text, it was old-fashioned. I like that I’ve never had to go on an app.
3.30pm
I might potter around the shops. There’s a really old magic shop near me in Holborn. It’s incredible. It’s been there for decades. I recently went there to do a very specific errand in preparation for the latest season of Last One Laughing. I decided I was going to read out Dylan Thomas’ “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night” while blowing off really loud. So I needed a really good fart machine. I had already ordered about 15 on Amazon and they were all terrible. Ben then suggested the magic shop, and it was like they were waiting for me behind the curtain when I arrived. Sixty quid, can you believe it. I’ve still got it.
7pm
After we’ve had dinner, we’ll watch something, but it’s hard because there’s not much we enjoy on television. I don’t watch my own work, it’s weird. I see bits and I look away – That way madness lies: you start planning facelifts. Anyway, I like to delve into the archive. Usually it’s the BBC archive, or Talking Pictures TV, which shows old classics and documentaries from the Fifties, Sixties, Seventies. My ideal documentary would be one about ghosts from 1975. That decade was a real hotbed for paranormal programming. Nowadays we just have The Uncanny , which is probably the only modern programme I actually watch.
On believing in ghosts, I definitely think consciousness carries on. I like the work of Rupert Sheldrake on the subject. I interviewed him as Philomena Cunk, I was such a fan. His theories explain near-death experiences and why your dog knows when you’re coming home.
8pm
Bob will start staring at me around this time to say “it’s bedtime now”. I’ll take him for a final walk and then climb into bed, but I won’t sleep. I’ll learn more lines, watch more ghost documentaries or read a book. I’m enjoying comedian and writer Ben Elton’s autobiography; he was huge in the 80s for doing Friday Night Live on Channel 4.
I’ve seen clips of the [newly launched] Saturday Night Live UK – I don’t think we should try to be American. There’s always something a bit embarrassing when audiences start whooping and cheering, it’s not very us, not very British. But I wish the cast all the luck in the world. I’m sure you’ll see some breakout stars from it.
10pm
Lights out.
Ardent rail safety advocate Diane Morgan stars in Govia Thameslink Railway’s first rail safety video reminding the nation: Walk, Don’t Run and Mind the doors, and Luggage = Lift. Watch it on YouTube @tlrailuk
