Top 179 Hilarious and Biting Quotes From HBO's 'Succession'

Succession came to an end in May 2023, and though cast member and star of Springsteen: Deliver Me From Nowhere Jeremy Strongbelieves the show is a tragedy—which, depending on your opinions of the possibility of redemption, could be true—for many, it's a comedy .

The show satirizes the tragedy that the characters, spawned by Logan Roy ( Brian Cox), bring upon themselves and those closest to them. Because they're not serious people!

While the HBO Max smash is missed (shout out to all the fans who want to fix Roman Roy!), these biting and hilarious Succession quotesand Succession insultswill live on forever.

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The Best Quotes From Succession by Character

Roman Roy Quotes

1. "You look tired and your face is giving me a headache." 

2. "Frank! It hasn't been the same without you. It's been better." 

3. "He's afraid of needles. He's not a real junkie." 

4. "What comes after 9? 9B?" 

5. "You have to stop this." 

6. "Hey, Buddha , nice Tom Fords." 

7. "I thought I smelled dairy." 

8. "I think our position must be that we're just done cornholing our dad."

9. "I think we have to drink a couple of martini passive-aggressives." 

10. "You're totally fine, just throw her another 10 grand. Or a snowmobile and some teeth-whitening vouchers." 

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11. "He was a king once. Now look at him. Eating s--t with feet of clay, a f--king neutered hound-dog. Elvis on the f--king toilet! Like, he doesn't come back from this, right? He just walked around the New York Stock Exchange with his severed d--k in his hand asking where was good for free soup . He just ate the big dog d--k. Sucked that pooch bone dry!" 

12. "What I think he meant to say was that he wished mom gave birth to a can opener, because at least then it would be useful." 

13. "Oh, wings! I wonder from which particular creature they snipped these wings! Perhaps a mammal!" 

14. "You inhuman f--king dog man." 

15. "Aw, what's wrong? You all wedgied up because Rhea stood on your back and worked your arms like an elliptical?" 

16. "Ooh, nice vest, Wambsgans. It's so puffy. What's it stuffed with, your hopes and dreams?" 

17."He's like a sex robot for Dad to f--k."

18. "I was never a corporate c--k-suck anyway. Besides, I never made it this high in the f--king building! They stuck me in L.A. with Old Father Time right here. We were the pool boys, right, Frank? F--kin' banana cabana?" 

19. "Ken did great. It was Tom who farted in his s--t." 

20. "'Control the narrative.' You probably yell that when you c-m. 'Oh, control the narrative! Oh, control it. Control the narrative!'" 

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21. "Where do you buy your suits by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that's why I'm just not moving as fast as you. I just don't have that, like, boxy, corporate look, right? I mean, I'm sorry, but like, what the f--k? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh—what's wrong with your body, man?" 

22. "Look at you, scanning for influence like a yuppie Robocop." 

23. "It's dirty, it's weird, and it's evidence of precisely the kind of disgusting liberal metro butt-love that makes our viewership angry enough to buy pharmaceuticals."

24. "What the f--k is this obsession with milk? You know who drinks milk? Kittens and perverts."

25. "I'm going to take a s--t. Want me to livestream it?" 

26. "We just made a night of good TV." 

27. "I am King Dong. I am King of Dong. Bow down to me." 

28. "Discord makes my d--k-hard." 

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Logan Roy Quotes

29. "Why am I looking at all of this pizza ?" 

30. "I was about to take advice from a clown who dives headfirst into the shallow end of the pool." 

31. "She can f--k off and enjoy her lily-white chicken flesh conscience working for a f--king phone company." 

32. "People come to us because we don't sell them on anything. No packet of f--king bleeding heart, United Nations, Volvo, gender-bender horses--t." 

33. "Do you have a problem?" 

34. "You're a f--king creep. I mean you—you went for three jobs, you didn't get any of them. Your vineyard was a write-off. And now your trophy girlfriend is sucking some waiter's d--k in Palermo, so now you've come crawling back, like a f--king worm."

35. "Someone send a telegram to Ilona telling her she's no longer required and my best to her cancer."

36. "I'm still here. I haven't gone. You getting your Viking hat on early?"

37."He's selling me things I want at a fair price. So what's next? Fellatio?"

38. "Just text on your phone, ya bendy f--k." 

39. "Why don't you pipe down till you come and tell me I've got a grandson coming? Hmm? Or are you shooting blanks?"

40. "She's a million years old. It's f--king disgusting. You're a laughingstock." 

41. "You wanna do good things? Be a f--king nurse." 

42. "You are such f--king dopes."

Related: Brian Cox Reveals What He Misses Most About 'Succession' and Why He Chose His New Movie

43. "I need a firebreather. A ruthless f--k who will do whatever it takes." 

44. "Smart people know what they are." 

45. "In this city, the rats are fat as skunks. They hardly care to run anymore."

46. " I love you , but you are not serious people." 

47. "What have you had your entire life that I didn't give you?" 

48. "Drive your f--king whirly bird ." 

49. "So sue me—my lawyer used to work for the justice department, who's your lawyer? Mr. F--king Magoo?"

50. "This is about as choreographed as a dog getting f--ked on roller skates." 

51. "Munsters. Think they're f--king Munsters." 

52. "Let the minutes reflect that Logan Roy shoved his boot up Frank's ass." 

53. "You're dry as f--king dust." 

54. "You're useless. You're as bad as my f--king idiot kids." 

55. "You're not a killer." 

56. "Oh Christ, Sid F--king Caesar."

57. "Happy Christmas, you clock-watching f--ks." 

58. "Romulus. When you're laughing, please do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn't get you from a hyena farm." 

59. "I'm going to grind his f--king bones to make my bread." 

60. "Would you like to hear my favorite passage from Shakespeare ? 'Take the f--king money.'" 

61. "Anyone who believes that I am getting out, please shove the bunting up your ass." 

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Kendall Roy Quotes 

62. "You can't put a value on a human life. Except in our case, you rather precisely can, because when trading opens tomorrow, we're gonna drop like a stone." 

63. "He's a guy we can do business with." 

64. "The dinosaur is having one last roar at the meteor before it wipes him out."

65. "I'm better than you. I hate to say this because I love you, but you're kind of evil." 

66. "Little Lord F--kleroy has joined the call." 

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67. "When you say the thing that's not, that's a lie." 

68. "I wondered why you looked like a goose about to s--t a house brick." 

69. "Stay hydrated." 

70. "A show about politics called Inside Baseball . How f--king confusing is that?" 

71. "My dad is a bastard. They need to know I'm a bastard, too." 

72. "You couldn't get a job in a burger joint, let alone a Fortune 500, without some nepotism." 

73. "You tell yourself you're a good person, but you're not a good person." 

74. "Bitches be catty, but the king's my daddy." 

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Cousin Greg Quotes

75. "Where are your kids? Where's all your kids, Uncle Logan, on your big birthday ?" 

76. "I never intended to soil these halls." 

77. "He's just moseying, terrifyingly moseying. He's like if Santa Claus was a hitman." 

78. "I'm more than a sprinkle." 

79. "It's like Jaws if everyone in Jaws worked for Jaws." 

80. "A lot of very important people want to scream at you." 

81. "I gots the old rumblin' tum." 

82. "What do you want me to do? Take his legs out?" 

83. "I don't do white drugs." 

84. "It's not like they pre-poop them, they're just bags really. It's a mental barrier." 

85. "I'm a sturdy birdy."

86. "I can drink these, right? These are drinks for people?" 

87. "His crew knows some unseemly venues. I danced with an old man. Yeah, he didn't want to dance, and they made us dance. He was so confused. I drank things that aren't normally drinks." 

88. "Negotiate a bit of a Gregxit." 

89. "I don't know how you did it in the '60s. Different times. Different times indeed. Better times? Not ... not for all." 

90. "What am I gonna do with a soul anyways?"

91. "If it is to be said, so it be, so it is." 

92. "What if your toenails are not all that aesthetically pleasing?" 

93. "We hear for you."

94. "I can take a lot in terms of psychological pain." 

95. "I'm worried about prison. I just feel because of my physical length, I could be a target for all sorts of misadventures."

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Tom Wambsgans Quotes 

96. "Hanging around, like the threat of nuclear war." 

97. "Ooh, but they're not, in fact, receipts! Greg, you're a criminal mastermind. What polyglot genius could ever hope to crack your impenetrable code?" 

98. "He did once call me the C--t of Monte Cristo." 

99. "This is like Israel and Palestine, but way harder and way more important."

100. "Forgive me, but are we talking to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather-beaten face? No? Then why the f--k are you wearing a pair of deck shoes, man?" 

101. "It's a long way back from pond life because you failed to get me a double-shot, OK?"

102. "I have of late decided not to tarry too much with hope." 

103. "What are you saying, all Aztecs are stupid? Don't be a racist little bitch about it." 

104. "I just wonder if the sad I'd be without you is less than the sad I get from being with you." 

105. "Bodega sushi? Are you insane?" 

106. "My digestive system is basically part of the Constitution."

107. "Your earlobes are thick and chewy. They're like barnacle meat." 

108. "Greg, this is not f--king Charles Dickens' world, OK? You don't go around talking about principles. We're all trying to do the right thing, of course we are. But come on, man! Man the f--k up!" 

109. "You don't hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the MySpace of STDs." 

110. "She's brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What's even in there? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail?" 

111. "She couldn't get her cloven hooves into regular shoes."

112. "Here's the thing about being rich: it's f--king great. It's like being a superhero , only better." 

113. "Information is like a bottle of fine wine. You store it, you hoard it, you save it for a special occasion and then you smash someone's f--king face in with it."

114. "Greg, do not put any more lemon water or wasabi in his eyes, OK?" 

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Shiv Roy Quotes 

115. "Who watches the watchmen? I f--king do."

116."Well, this is why you don't hatch a plan with Connor, the first f--king pancake." 

117. "F--king Pontius Pilate." 

118. "You're wiry. You're like a f--king spelunker."

119. "Killing hobos isn't a hobby." 

120. "Oh, what is that? Date Rape by Calvin Klein?" 

121. "You have a toddler with a hard-on for a chief operating officer, and I'm going through a management training program?" 

122. "Goodbye, my dear, dear, world of a father."

123. "Just think: Yeah, once you're done, you won't have to waste the 12 seconds it takes to look up something on Wikipedia."

124. "You love showing your pee-pee to everyone, but someday, you know, you're actually going to have to f--k something." 

125. "This stinks of stale pale male and you need an outsider to advise." 

126. "Have you ever had a f--king grapefruit without an agenda?" 

127. "Cold and inhospitable. Checks out." 

128. "So, send out two cover stars for Toxic Male Monthly—and why don't we get Ted Bundy up there and make it a three-way?" 

129. "What is this, McCarthyism? I'm not declining. I'm just not clining." 

130. "I think sometimes you just need a good old-fashioned dinosaur cull." 

131. "Do you outsource your f--kery? You got your right brain for your TED Talks, your left brain for your killings?" 

132. "Oh, hello? Is this the replicant department? Yeah, my meat puppet has stopped working." 

133. "A tsunami just came and washed everything away. No one is checking the d--ks." 

134. "I can do f--king anything, my dad just died." 

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Connor Roy Quotes

135. "Love is a strange and peculiar affliction. It's like a virus. So could you please just stay here a while, and maybe you'll catch it?" 

136. "It's kind of a greeting card from hell. It's a Times New Roman firing squad." 

137. "A real bar with chicks and guys who work with their hands and sweat from their hands and have blood in their hair." 

138. "I'm the eldest son. And I must be considered, and I need to be taken into account."

139. "The butter is too cold! The butter's all f--ked! You're f--kwads and you f--ked it! There's dinner rolls ripping out there as we speak!" 

140. "I'm not saying I'd make a better CEO. That's unsaid." 

141. "$5 million is a nightmare. Can't retire, not worth it to work. Five will drive you un poco loco, my fine-feathered friend." 

142. "Sometimes I think I'll never understand Dad until I s--t outside." 

143. "You're needy love sponges and I'm a plant that grows on rocks that lives off of insects that die inside of me." 

144. "But if you don't allow it, I'm gonna punch Tom in the face and I'm gonna rip my shirt open, I'm gonna take a f--kin' dump on the ground. I'm gonna go apes--t, because she's the woman I love." 

145. "Her dot is at an aquarium supply retailer. Is that a drug thing?"

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146. "The good thing about having a family that doesn't love you is you learn to live without it." 

147. "Can I just be your fun guy in Uruguay?"

148. "This family's broken. And that has consequences. A missed phone call today, a couple dozen kids lose their jobs in China. Butterfly wings, but bigger, huge wings. Like a pterodactyl, or the Smithsonian. So let's fix our wings." 

149. "America, be afraid. Be warned. For the Conheads are coming." 

150. "It just makes an election so much more interesting when you're in it." 

151. "If I was to fall under one percent, I feel like I would become a laughingstock." 

152. "Hey, if you wanna print something in your little book, you may print the following line: 'Connor Roy was interested in politics at a very young age.'" 

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Miscellaneous  Succession  Quotes

153. "Oh, God forbid I will miss the plaque, right? Your shiny little gravestone." —Marcia

154. "We're calling Kerry a taxi to the subway so that she can go home to her little apartment." —Marcia

155. "Is Greg necessary?" —Hugo

156. "What's it like being married to a man with two a--holes?" —Hugo

157. "They call Gil 'Meth Head Santa,' because he so rarely delivers." –Hugo

158. "Tom, it's tough to have to tell you this, but I'm in a sexual relationship with your mother. She talks in her sleep." —Gerri Kellman

159. "You little slime puppy." —Gerri Kellman

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160. "I guess if you did have something deal-wise, it's kinda like, dead in the water now, right? Kinda like the women who went on those cruises." —Stewy

161. "F--k you, too, you pusillanimous piece of f--king fool's gold." —Stewy

162. "The Logan Roy School of Journalism. What's next, the Jack the Ripper Women's Health Clinic?" —Ewan Roy

163. "Any other man would have died from the shame. It's hard to know which is more toxic—your news outlets or your cruise division." —Ewan Roy

164. "This whole family is a nest of vipers. They'll wrap themselves around you, and suffocate you." —Ewan Roy

165. "He fed a certain kind of meagerness in men." —Ewan Roy

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166. "Actually, it's quite good, your being the second-most important person at your wedding. Takes the pressure off." —Caroline

167. "Some people just aren't made to be mothers. I should've had dogs." —Caroline

168. "I don't mean to make a big thing of this, but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?" —Gil Eavis

169. "You're a bunch of bloated dinosaurs who didn't even notice the monkeys swinging by 'til yesterday. " —Lawrence Yee

170. "We hire people who want to work here. And we serve a demographic of highly, highly intelligent viewers, who are really tired of being patronized elsewhere by latte-sipping douchebags with hundred-dollar haircuts." —Cyd

171. "Everything feels very vivid today." —Willa

172. "You can't be jumping for joy the whole time." —Willa

173. "Hey, listen. At least I'm only getting f--ked by one member of this family, yeah?" — Willa

174. "Sometimes when you were absent they used to refer to you as the calamari c--k ring." —Frank

175. "You're a clumsy interloper and no one trusts you. The only guy pulling for you is dead. And now, you're just married to the ex-boss' daughter, and she doesn't even like you. And you are fair and squarely f--ked." —Karl

176. "Poor bastards. Hanging in the window like Peking duck." —Karl

177. "I don't care what you think. You're a tribute band." —Maddsen

178. "She's like an estrogen air freshener we have around to keep it smelling clean." —Maddsen

179. "St. Francis of Assisi! You've brought me animals!" —Nan Pierce

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This story was originally published by Parade on May 30, 2023, where it first appeared in the TV section. Add Parade as a Preferred Source by clicking here.