22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but psychologists stress that words can make or break relationships.

"Understanding the impact of language on relationships is fundamental," says  Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D. ,a psychologist and owner and director of Nobile Psychology in New York. "Words shape perceptions and emotions, which in turn influence the way people process information."

You may be unintentionally giving people the wrong perception of who you genuinely are on the inside. While common and often delivered with the best intentions, some phrases are total turn-offs. Psychologists shared 22 surprising phrases that make you "instantly unlikable," what to say instead and the No. 1 tip to avoid rubbing people the wrong way.

Related: 'I've Been an Etiquette Expert for 13 Years—Here's the #1 Phrase to End Small Talk Without Making It Awkward'

22 Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' According to Psychologists

1. "That's common sense."

Dr. Nobile would like to make the pitfalls of this phrase common knowledge.

"This phrase can be insulting, suggesting that the other person lacks knowledge or abilities," Dr. Nobile explains.

She suggests replacing it with "Let's go over this together" or "Can I clarify anything for you?"

2. "Calm down."

Not only does it make you unlikeable, it often backfires.

"This phrase can be troubling because it can seem to have the opposite effect, invalidating their emotions and escalating tension," says  Dr. Joel Frank, Psy. D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services . "Instead, try saying, 'I understand this is upsetting. Let's figure out how to handle it.'"

3. "Relax. It's not a big deal."

This one is another version of "calm down."

"This can trivialize the other person's feelings and make them feel unimportant," Dr. Nobile emphasizes. 

Do you need another alternative? Dr. Nobile recommends, "I can see this is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?"

4. "I'm just being honest."

OK, but are you being "casually cruel in the name of being honest," as Taylor Swift might say?

"Honesty is important, but this phrase often justifies harsh or unnecessary criticism," Dr. Nobile says. 

Dr. Nobile says more tactful phrases include "I want to share my thoughts constructively" or "Here's my perspective."

Related: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist

5. "I tell it like it is."

This phrase is a variation of hiding behind the idea of "honesty" to verbally hand-wave away being unnecessarily mean. It also positions you as the be-all and end-all authority on a topic when that may not be the case.

"In reality, everyone has a different perspective on an issue, and the collective 'it' is not decided by one person," says  Dr. Vanessa S. Kennedy, Ph.D., the director of psychology at  Driftwood Recovery .

Alternatively, Dr. Kennedy suggests inserting phrases like, "I can't speak for everyone, but…" or "This is just my opinion."

"Ensuring that others know you are not posing as an authority on life but rather sharing your own perspective can make others more apt to listen to your views," Dr. Kennedy says.

6. "I told you so."

You might be right, and the phrase may feel satisfying to you. However, Dr. Frank says most people aren't fans.

"This phrase can be problematic as it can come across as condescending and unhelpful, making others feel belittled or undermined," Dr. Frank says. "Instead, try saying, 'I'm glad we found a solution together.'"

7. "What can't you just...?"

While the intention behind this one may be to deliver sound, straightforward advice, it often doesn't land well.

"This phrase can come off as impatient and critical, suggesting the other person is being difficult or unreasonable," Dr. Nobile says.

Dr. Nobile says more empathetic-sounding alternatives include "What's making this challenging?" and "How can we make this easier?"

8. "No offense, but..."

Often, this one precedes something that is, in fact, offensive.

"It can instantly put others on the defensive, making them less receptive to your opinion, and does not give them time to emotionally prepare for the feedback," Dr. Kennedy explains. 

She adds that it's important to consider your goals and the person receiving feedback when deciding how to approach a conversation. 

"For example, if the other person is sensitive and introverted, they might prefer to hear the information one-on-one and prefaced by an explanation of what you are about to say," she continues. "If the person is less likely to be receptive to you alone, you might prefer to include a neutral party or a boss if in a work environment."

9. "You wouldn't understand."

You know what they say about assumptions. In this case: "This phrase assumes the other person lacks the capability or intelligence to grasp a concept, which can be insulting and exclusionary," Dr. Frank warns.

Dr. Frank recommends saying, "Let me explain why this is important and how it works."

10. "Whatever."

The phrase was voted the "Most Annoying Word" in an annual Marist National Poll for more than a decade.

"It can come across as dismissive, signaling disinterest and a lack of respect for the other person's opinion or feelings," Dr. Frank explains. "Alternatively, consider saying, 'I see where you're coming from. Let's discuss this further.'"

Related: If You Use These 8 Unexpected Phrases, You Have Higher Self-Confidence Than Most, Psychologists Say

11. "Ah, bless your heart..."

On a scale of 1 to cringe, this one is surprisingly off the charts. 

Dr. Shauna "Doc" Springer, Ph.D., the chief psychologist at Stella , says it subtly conveys the idea that you know better and can come across as belittling. 

12. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

This one is so common, but it's one of Dr. Springer's least favorite phrases.

"This one must go," Dr. Springer says. "It's smug and unoriginal, and as a licensed psychologist, please know that it's inaccurate. There are many forms of insanity, and this is one of the least dangerous forms."

13. "I'm so OCD."

On that note, Dr. Springer says using clinical terms to describe behaviors, like the natural desire for a clean kitchen, can also be offensive to people who meet diagnostic criteria. They also promote stereotypes.

14. "Let's align visions."

Corporate speak also gets a demotion from Dr. Springer.

"Among a group of business school grads, there's no issue, but when people use this language with those unfamiliar, it can make them instantly unlikable," Dr. Springer explains. "For this reason, I favor terms like, 'Let's connect and explore' instead of 'Let's align visions.'"

15. "This is how we've always done it."

OK, and?

"This phrase can stifle innovation and make others feel as though their ideas are not wanted or valued," Dr. Frank explains.

He likes a more open-minded approach, such as, "Let's consider if there's a better way to approach this."

16. "It's not my responsibility."

"This phrase can seem selfish and uncooperative, showing a lack of willingness to help," Dr. Nobile warns.

Now, that doesn't mean you have to say yes to everything. However, there are more tactful ways to discuss requests that generally aren't on you to fulfill, such as, "Let's figure out who can help with this," or "I'm not sure, but I'll try to find out."

17. "No drama."

Let Mary J. Blige keep this one. Dr. Springer says this phrase communicates that you believe you're better at managing emotions.

18.  "I don't need toxic people in my life."

This one is often a variation of "no drama" and uses the Instagram and TikTok-buzzy term "toxic."

"Usually, the person saying this is the most dramatic or toxic person we know," Dr. Kennedy says. "Their lack of awareness of being the common denominator in dramatic or toxic situations is extremely irritating. Sometimes, they seem to label others as 'toxic' simply because they do not agree with them, are honest with them or are trying to set boundaries with them."

Instead of using this phrase (or "no drama"), she encourages personal reflection. For instance, you might think about whether you gravitate toward unhealthy relationships or project a need to be dramatic onto others to avoid taking ownership of your behavior.

"Exploring the underpinnings of this in a therapeutic setting is critical to finding healthier people to surround yourself with and having healthier behavioral standards for yourself," Dr. Kennedy explains.

19. "You're always so dramatic..."

This one straight-up accuses a person of being dramatic instead of implying it (as "no drama" does). 

"Labeling someone as dramatic dismisses their emotions and can make them feel belittled," Dr. Nobile warns. 

Dr. Nobile prefers, "I can tell this is really affecting you. Let's talk about it."

20. "I know how you're feeling."

Do you, though? Even if you do, does this one resonate? Dr. Springer says the answer to the latter is probably not. She says it's code for a "true failure of empathy."

21. "I wish I had your..."

Generally, Dr. Kennedy says this one is used to discuss a desirable trait (in them or a relationship) or item another person has, and it's usually meant as a compliment. However, your visions of green may have someone else seeing red.

"Comparisons that stem from jealousy or insecurity can instantly change the dynamic in a conversation from sharing on equal footing to one of superiority and inferiority," she explains. "The person who is feeling insecure ends up sparking emotions of discomfort and unwarranted guilt in the other person, usually leading them to pull away or feel pity."

"Instead, you could use a compliment to mark that you appreciate something about the other person without the indication that you covet that trait or possession," Dr. Frank suggests. "For example, 'I like your new bag' or 'You guys have such a loving relationship.'"

22. "You look tired."

While this one may be an attempt to help a person, it can often do more harm than good.

"This comment can make the person feel self-conscious or imply that they don't look their best, which can be discouraging," Dr. Nobile shares. 

Swap this one with more open-ended questions, such as "How are you doing today?" or "How's everything going?"

Related: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists

The No. 1 Way To Avoid These Phrases in the First Place

Psychologists agree: While we live in an age of on-demand communication, you don't have to respond immediately.

"Taking a moment to think before you speak helps prevent impulsive comments that might be inappropriate or hurtful," Dr. Frank explains. "Practice taking three slow breaths before responding."

While pausing, Dr. Nobile suggests asking yourself a critical question: "Is what I'm about to say constructive or necessary?"

You may need a longer pause, and that's OK. 

"Practice phrases such as, 'I don't want to say something without thinking,' 'I need to think about that,' or 'Let's talk about this a little later,'" Dr. Kennedy suggests. 

You might exit the conversation with the person and enter one with your journal.

"Write down possible responses or opinions on a situation," Dr. Kennedy suggests. "Consider the other person's feelings before saying something offensive or making yourself sound superior."

Next: 35 Phrases To Disarm Your Inner-Critic, According to Therapists

Expert Sources

• Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D. , a psychologist and owner and director of Nobile Psychology in New York

• Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services

• Dr. Vanessa S. Kennedy, Ph.D., the director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery

• Most Annoying Word or Phrase. Marist National Poll. Marist National Poll

• Dr. Shauna "Doc" Springer, Ph.D., the chief psychologist at Stella