22 People Who Married The Dumbest Person Alive
Ajani Bazile-Dutes
6 min read
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share the dumbest thing their spouse said or did. Here are the funniest stories they shared:
1. "When I first learned that I was pregnant, my then-husband refused to have sex. He insisted that he didn't want twins."
—Anonymous, 58, Female, Georgia
AMC
2. "My aunt was a stay-at-home mom and decided to make shrimp étouffée for supper. Her now-ex-husband took a bite and noticed it was crunchy, which it shouldn't have been. He asked if she had happened to peel the shrimp. Her response was, 'The recipe didn't tell me to.'"
—Anonymous, 57, Female, Minnesota
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3. "I walked into the kitchen to see my husband holding our male cat. He said to me, 'Cosmo has a tick on his stomach.' I walked over and looked. It was one of his nipples. So I played along and said, 'Oh, look, here is another and another.' My husband insisted we take him to the vet. I played along for a while and then informed him they were nipples. His response was, 'He's a boy. Those aren't nipples.' I then calmly reminded him he is a boy and also has nipples. He just sat there looking dumbfounded."
—Anonymous, 46, Female, Chicago
4. "We were at a restaurant, and my husband asked me if I wanted to split anything. I pointed to the 'half-baked chicken,' and he looked me dead in the eyes and went, 'No, I only want my chicken fully baked.' He didn't realize it meant half the chicken, not just underdone chicken."
—Anonymous, 29, Female, Cleveland
5. "My husband got into what turned into a heated argument with me. He maintained his stance that you put the butter on the toast BEFORE you toast it. 'Otherwise, how does it melt?' I said, 'Sure, if you want to burn the house down.' At first, I was laughing. We didn't eat dinner that night."
—Anonymous, 43, Female, Oklahoma
6. "My ex thought Saudi Arabia was in Africa."
7. "My ex-husband once asked if he fell asleep wearing his glasses…would it hurt his eyes?"
8. "My husband called me at work to ask what kind of cheese goes on chicken parm."
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9. "My wife wanted to get the car washed at an automated drive-thru car wash. As I'm sitting in the passenger seat, she slowly pulls up to where the guy was guiding her. As soon as the water started spraying, she mashed the accelerator. I started yelling, 'PUT IN NEUTRAL!' She looked at me and yelled, 'IT SAYS DRIVE-THRU!' I don't let her wash any of our cars."
—Anonymous, 60
10. "My then-girlfriend, now-ex-wife (I married her because I am apparently also dumb), was telling me about her friend whose dad was diagnosed with some disorder. She said, 'Yeah, it's very rare. I guess Abraham Lincoln died from it.' I looked at her and said, 'You mean...being shot in the head?'"
—Anonymous, 41, Male, San Francisco
HBO
11. "My wife, last 4th of July, when I suggested next year we book a flight during dusk to watch the fireworks, asked me, 'But what if we are on the wrong side of the fireworks and can't see them?'"
—Anonymous, 42, Male, California
12. "While watching an Olympic hockey game, my wife asked me, 'What happens if the players fall through the ice?' I asked her what she meant. She replied, 'Well, don't they just find frozen ponds and build arenas around them?'"
—Anonymous
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13. "While sitting at a red light, my now-ex-wife said, 'Baby, what's a pody atrist?' I asked, 'Where do you see that?' She replied, 'That sign right there.' I looked and replied, 'Yeah, that's pronounced podiatrist.'"
—Anonymous
14. "Double-dated with my frat brother one night, and we went to see Buckingham Fountain on the Chicago lakefront, all lit up in a colorful display of lights. His girlfriend asked quite innocently, 'How do they keep the colored waters separate?'"
—Anonymous, Male, 75, Chicago
15. "Years ago, I was on my way to do some errands. My husband had agreed to watch our four children while I was away. I asked him if he would also please do the laundry while I was gone. He replied that he couldn't do the laundry because he was going to be watching the children."
—Anonymous, 65, Female, Utah
16. "My ex thought if you adopted a baby at birth from another country, you had to teach it English or it would grow up speaking the language of the biological parents."
17. "When we were first married, I sent my husband to the grocery store, and I asked him to pick up some Red Delicious apples. He responded, 'How the hell am I supposed to know if they're delicious?'"
—Anonymous, 68, Female, Virginia
18. "My ex thought that diarrhea only happens when you hold in gas for too long."
— erastus
19. "During my husband's first trip to the mountains, he kept mentioning how chilly it was. I know he's cold-natured, and he always keeps a sweatshirt close by. I asked him where his sweatshirt was or if he had brought any jogging pants, and he stated, 'No, I thought that it would be hot here since the mountains are closer to the sun!'"
—Anonymous, 47, Female, NC
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20. "I'm a hydrated girlie. I drink a ton of water a day, so I pee quite a bit throughout the day. My husband noticed how frequently I was using the restroom and, with a very concerned tone and expression, told me he thought I should get my prostate checked since I had to go so frequently. He was shocked when I informed him that women do not have prostates."
—Anonymous, 31, Female
21. "We were discussing a friend's recent trip to Hawaii at a dinner party when my wife asked the group, 'You know, I've always wondered how the pilot finds the islands.' The group looked quizzically, and someone responded that there are excellent navigation systems. Her response was, 'But how do they track them when they're just floating around in the ocean?' One guest, without missing a beat but with a small smirk on his face, said, 'Oh, they chained them down a long time ago.' She sighed and said, 'Oh, that makes sense.'"
—Anonymous, M 70, Sonoma, CA
HBO
22. And finally, "One time, my wife and I were checking out at the grocery store, and the clerk asked, 'Paper or plastic?' I said plastic, and my wife looked at me and said, 'But I was going to pay with cash.'"
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Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
What's the dumbest thing you ever heard your spouse say? Tell us in the comments or use the anonymous form below:
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