3 Relationship Habits Calm Couples Swear By — A Psychologist Explains

Have you ever met a couple with a seemingly magical ability to move on from relationship issues? Outsiders often chalk these relationship dynamics up to the partners being naturally “calm” or “chill” people. But what we’re actually seeing is years of practice coming to fruition.

Over and over, I see common patterns in these relationships that appear immune to stress. They differ in detail, but the overarching lesson is the same: each couple needs their own unique set of small, repeatable behaviors that they can use to maintain a strong, healthy baseline.

Calm couples skip the clichés and focus only on practicing things that actually work for them. Here are three practical habits that, if you stick to for just a week, will offer you more predictable calm than ever before in your relationship.

1. Setting Clear Relationship Boundaries

Conflict in long-term relationships is hardly as dramatic as film and pop culture lead us to believe. Nine times out of ten, couples’ fights start off with a mismatch of some kind or another. For instance:

• One partner assumes chores will be split evenly; the other assumes they’ll “just get done”

• One partner works late without checking in; the other feels neglected

• One partner needs alone time to recharge; the other reads it as withdrawal

The most pressing issue couples face is that the arguments themselves are viewed as the issue, rather than the small mismatch that prompted it. However, if the unclear expectations aren’t directly addressed, they will keep happening continually.

As research emphasizes, addressing isolated miscommunications after the fact will not prevent them from happening again. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Family Issues identified household chores and time management as some of the most commonly reported sources of conflict in romantic relationships, right alongside finances and communication.

An interesting caveat in the study was that, while finances and sex were linked to more destructive conflict behaviors, time management conflicts were associated with fewer dysfunctional patterns. In some cases, they were actually linked to higher relationship satisfaction when they were handled well.

In other words, what will ultimately decide your fate during an argument is the information you gather from it, and how you use that information to do better.

This is what makes explicit conversations about boundaries and roles so important. Calm couples know that the important parts of their life can’t be left up to assumptions. They have to explicitly define them if they want to maintain stability. And thankfully, achieving this is as simple as having a 10-minute conversation:

• “What’s the best way to divide chores this week with our schedules in mind?”

• “How much alone time do you think you’ll need to recover in the evenings?”

• “What does a ‘busy day’ look like for you, and how should we stay in touch when you have one?”

These conversations do two things. First, they reduce ambiguity: the sense of not knowing that leaves you feeling uncertain about yourself, your partner or the relationship as a whole — one of the biggest triggers for conflict. And secondly, these conversations rid everyday logistics of unnecessary emotional charge.

Keeping disagreements grounded in past agreements is the best way to maintain a calm baseline, as there are fewer surprise disappointments and fewer misinterpretations. Better yet, both partners can stay on the same page, even when things don’t necessarily go according to plan.

2. Incorporating Play Into The Relationship

When couples stop playing with each other — making jokes, turning everyday scenarios into games, looking for chances to be whimsical or silly — life can start to feel heavier than it needs to be. This is precisely where many couples unintentionally lose their sense of calm.

Research highlights just how important it is to make time for play. A 2021 review in Social and Personality Psychology Compass explored the role of playfulness in romantic relationships and found that it plays a powerful role in keeping partners close. Notably, it was linked to greater relationship satisfaction, increased fascination with one’s partner and even higher sexual satisfaction.

This is because play creates positive emotion, and positive emotion builds resilience. It’s much harder to pick a fight with someone you were just laughing with five minutes ago. Calm couples understand this intuitively.

“Having fun” isn’t something they reserve solely for weekends or holidays, or just when things are going well. Instead, they actively use playfulness as a tool to keep things going well:

• Witty sarcasm that breaks the ice during awkward or serious moments

• Well-timed inside jokes that get them both giggling

• Imaginative games and thought experiments that encourage whimsy

• Affectionate teasing that reminds them not to take themselves too seriously

Importantly, this kind of playfulness is never mean-spirited. It only works because both people know it comes from a place of warmth; they want to laugh together, not at one another. Without that foundation, it can backfire.

But when that love-laughter baseline is there, play becomes a reliable tool for destressing. Even though stress is still bound to happen, they always know how to lighten its load.

3. Making Mandatory Relationship Repair Attempts After Conflict

Many couples focus on the here and now during arguments: the words they’re saying and the tone they’re using. But even if you say all the right things, in exactly the right way, there may still be an upsetting emotional residue afterward. After all, even conflicts that are well-managed are in no way enjoyable.

If that emotional residue isn’t routinely and quickly cleared after the fact, it will accumulate. You might recognize what this looks like:

• The conversation ends, but the tension lingers for hours

• You go back to normal activities, but something still feels “off”

• The problem is solved logistically, but you don’t feel better emotionally

These moments are where repair attempts save the day. A repair attempt is anything that helps bring the relationship back to its baseline of safety. It can be an apology, a joke, a physical gesture or even a simple, “Hey, are we okay?”

Calm couples see these repairs as mandatory. In a 2011 study published in Psychological Science , researchers examined what’s known as “conflict recovery”: how well individuals can emotionally disengage from a fight once it ends. The findings showed that better post-conflict recovery was linked to greater relationship satisfaction and more positive emotions.

In plain terms, this means that how quickly you try to reconnect matters more than how perfectly you argued, which is why calm couples treat repair as a priority. They don’t wait hours (or days) for things to “cool off.” They actively look for ways to reset within minutes:

• A genuine apology, such as, “I’m sorry that I was so defensive there. Can you forgive me?”

• A light touch on the arm that signals reconnection

• Even a slightly awkward attempt at humor to break the tension

More importantly, calm couples do this even when they know that neither of them is clearly “wrong.” No one’s winning or losing; the closest thing to a win is getting back to normal as quickly as possible. And without a repair attempt, that cannot happen.

Do you bring calm, steady energy into your relationships? Take the Green Flag Personality Test to uncover the traits that make you easy to love.

This article was originally published on Forbes.com