3 Ways To Get Through Mother’s Day When You’re Grieving

Reviewed by Samantha Mann

For many, Mother's Day is a time for joy. It conjures up images of flowers, breakfast in bed, and messy but adorable handprint art for the beloved matriarch of the family. But for those who are grieving, Mother’s Day (and other holidays) can be especially triggering, even as they bring so much happiness to others.

Various forms of loss may rob someone's joy on this day. That can include losing their own mother, being estranged from a maternal figure , having lost a child themselves, or struggling to welcome a baby of their own . And when grieving people feel unseen and alone in their grief, or feel their loss goes unacknowledged by loved ones, the relentless calls to happiness and joy that surround celebrations often leaves them feeling even more isolated than before.

Though painful emotions like grief and sadness may feel taboo to discuss, these conversations are important and create a kinder, more compassionate world for both ourselves and the ones we love. Here's how to hold space for grief around Mother’s Day, find moments of peace, and ultimately reclaim this time for yourself.

Why Many Struggle To Find Support When Grieving

It's true that many lack meaningful support when they experience grief on Mother's Day, according to Megan Devine, LPC, psychotherapist, grief advocate, and author. She notes that people's discomfort with grief and loss isn’t limited to celebrations and holidays, but it's often exacerbated around that time.

“Humans have been trying to avoid pain for thousands of years,” Devine says. “We work hard to pretend that what hurts doesn’t hurt. We prioritize resilience instead of changing the systems or circumstances that require people to be resilient. We prize a positive attitude, rather than feel pain or witness pain in others.”

As many of us are socialized to avoid expressing feelings of grief or sadness, this can further worsen the complicated feelings some may feel around celebrations and holidays. Individuals may refrain from sharing openly with loved ones about feelings out of concern that there isn’t space for the “negative” emotions.

“Society doesn’t know what to do when you don’t feel happy on this particular holiday," says Shallimar Jones, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. "They have no idea in many ways what that process of grieving is because in many ways they don’t even have words to describe it.”

This can be especially difficult for those individuals who might be most in need of support.

“It’s important, especially if it’s someone you love and care about, to create a space to talk about those difficult things,” Dr. Jones says. “That’s how you have depth within your relationships. That’s how you can have healing not just for that person but also for yourself. Whether or not they take you up on it, that’s their journey. But knowing that you’re there, it’s a huge deal for people.”

How To Navigate Mother’s Day When Grieving

While we’re often brought up to see holidays as happy occasions, Dr. Jones points out that as individuals who experience a range of feelings, it makes sense that the same spectrum of emotions would present itself throughout celebratory events, as well.

“Holidays are not always happy for everyone and even when you are happy, there might be a part of you that’s still sad," shares Dr. Jones.

Here's advice on getting through the holiday if you're grieving.

Advocate for yourself

One of the most powerful ways grieving individuals can ease these holiday experiences is to vocally advocate for themselves, especially if loved ones seem unsure about what would actually be helpful. Devine notes that friends and family often want to reach out and offer support, but because grief isn't a one-size-fits-all experience, they might need guidance when it comes to what will feel right for you.

According to Devine, self-advocacy can take many forms, including discussing and setting boundaries around what you do or don’t want from loved ones. These conversations can be as simple as requesting “no surprises” or that you do something specific together. You can even share that you don’t actually know how you’ll feel when the day comes, and ask for the space to make a decision about plans later. 

And if your feelings change around a plan or commitment, Devine encourages individuals to make space for themselves by stepping away.

“If you make plans, remember that you can change or cancel them,” she says. “Knowing you have some power over the situation can make it easier.”

Embrace the celebration on your own terms

Celebrations like Mother’s Day can be fraught even for those who are not grieving. Devine reminds us that if following a certain formula for marking the day no longer feels right, we should feel empowered to leave traditions behind.

“For many people, for many reasons, Mother's Day feels obligatory, stressful, and performative,” she says. “It's an obligation they were brought up with—you have to do it or there will be repercussions. But just because that's been the case doesn't mean it has to stay that way. You can simply ignore it. Or, you can create celebrations that have personal meaning. There’s no one right answer.”

If the “script” for Mother’s Day celebrations doesn’t feel right this year, Devine encourages those who might like to reimagine Mother’s Day to think about what “mothering” actually means to them as they make the holiday their own.

“Maybe you’re a supportive, nurturing presence for your friends. Maybe you tend plants or animals in a loving and maternal way,” she shares. “If we remove 'mothering' from one single, fallible human being, we can find evidence of mothering everywhere.”

Know it's OK not to be OK

Dr. Jones and Devine both agree that embracing a range of emotions within celebrations is important.

“Remember that whatever you feel about Mother’s Day is completely valid,” Devine says. “Love it, hate it, prefer to ignore it—there’s no one 'correct' way to feel. You get to decide how you want to acknowledge (or avoid) the day.”

Making space for all emotions is an important part of normalizing grief and the role it plays in our lives—even as we mark special occasions with loved ones.

“It's OK for a person to be sad, even on a holiday,” adds Devine. “It's hard to celebrate when your heart is broken. And sadness is healthy. It’s OK to feel anything —sad, happy, confused, angry—no matter what the calendar says.”

Read the original article on Parents