What Etiquette Experts Say to Bring When Your Host Insists on “No Gifts”
Martha Stewart has a reliable dinner-party gift: "Fresh eggs from my chickens," she told ELLE Decor . It helps to have a flock, of course, but the rest of us can borrow the principle. Bring something your host will enjoy having around tomorrow, when the guests have gone and there's no dinner to get on the table.
That's especially good advice when the invitation comes with a request to bring nothing. There's no need to arrive with another course or flowers that require immediate attention. If you'd like to bring a small thank-you, the designers and entertaining experts we spoke to have suggestions—and a few reservations about the things guests tend to grab on the way over.
Leave the Menu Alone
"When a host says 'don't bring anything,' I think they are fairly certain they have enough food and beverage, and probably don't want excess," says Amber Mayfield Hewett , founder of event production company To Be Hosted and author of Your Turn to Host. "I wouldn't bring anything that needs to be served or pressures the host to make accommodations."
An unexpected dish can put the host in an awkward position, particularly if they've planned around guests' dietary restrictions. Interior designer Christina Nielsen generally avoids bringing food she expects to be served, though she makes exceptions for close friends whose tastes she knows. For them, she might arrive with a freshly baked baguette or pastries. Unless you have that level of familiarity, ask before bringing something for the table.
Bring a Gift for Later
Nielsen's suggestions include chocolates, good olive oil, and a bottle of wine intended for another night. Event designer and etiquette expert Hovik Harutyunyan adds coffee, tea, specialty honey, and cocktail olives, as these can all go into the pantry without becoming part of the evening's preparations.
Choose according to what your host enjoys. Wine is appropriate for someone whose preferences you know, but it needn't be the automatic purchase for every invitation. Andria Mitsakos , founder and creative director of the brand Anthologist , suggests gifts with a personal connection. She often brings friends things she has found on her travels.
"A gift doesn't need to be expensive, and it certainly doesn't need to have anything to do with dinner," she says. Her other suggestions also include a book the recipient would enjoy or fingerless gloves for a friend who is always cold. "I love gifts that demonstrate you've paid attention to someone."
For a friend whose interiors you know well, Nielsen likes a small vintage object, cocktail napkins, or candleholders. But there's no need to choose something for the house if you're less familiar with the owner's taste—chocolates may be the better bet, she emphasizes.
Reconsider the Bouquet
Flowers seem easy until you're the one answering the door with a bouquet in your arms and a saucepan on the stove. Nielsen points out that loose stems require a vase, trimming, and arranging while guests are arriving.
Harutyunyan would save them for afterward. Even an arrangement that needs no attention may not suit the room or table the host has prepared. He recommends sending flowers with a handwritten thank-you card one to three days after the dinner.
You Can Thank Them Later
Arriving empty-handed doesn't mean you've missed your chance. Hewett suggests a handwritten note or a gift card for coffee the following morning. A few specific lines about the evening give your host something they can enjoy without having to unwrap, refrigerate, or arrange it.
While you're there, be interested in the other guests, enjoy the meal, and offer a helping hand. Hewett says assisting in the kitchen or staying to load the dishwasher can mean a great deal. Take your cue from the host, though—someone who declines help may genuinely prefer you to stay at the table.
"Being a guest is more important than the gift itself," Nielsen says. "Be engaged and fun!" You can send flowers tomorrow. Tonight, they've invited you for your company.
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