Gentle Parenting Gets Blamed for Raising Entitled Kids—but Experts Say It’s More Complicated

Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD

Key Takeaways

• Gentle parenting uses empathy and boundaries to raise emotionally secure kids, not to avoid discipline.

• Critics often confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting, but the two are very different.

• When practiced consistently, gentle parenting helps kids build emotional resilience and learn to manage their feelings.

Gentle parenting has become a buzzword on social media, often presented as a calm, connected, and compassionate alternative to traditional discipline. But while some parents praise it for fostering emotional intelligence and strong bonds, others say it's a fast track to raising entitled kids who melt down when told "no." The approach—which emphasizes empathy, boundaries, and collaboration over punishment—has drawn a fair share of criticism.

Scroll through TikTok or Instagram, and you'll find plenty of users saying gentle parenting is about giving in, avoiding discipline, or letting kids call the shots—but is that really the case? Or are the critiques just misunderstandings of what the method is really about?

We spoke with two child development experts to untangle the truth, explain the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting, and examine whether this popular approach helps—or hurts—kids over time.

Common Criticisms of Gentle Parenting

No parenting style is without its skeptics, and gentle parenting is no exception. Critics—especially those from older generations (i.e., Baby Boomers and Generation X ) raised with firmer discipline—often see it as overly lenient, unrealistic, or even enabling.

But these concerns aren't limited to grandparents; some millennial and Gen Z parents have expressed doubts too, especially when the version of gentle parenting they see on social media looks like a free-for-all.

Here are a few of the most common critiques:

• It's too permissive: Critics argue that gentle parenting gives kids too much power and fails to set clear boundaries.

• There's a lack of consequences: Some worry the approach avoids punishment to a fault, leaving kids with no real understanding of limits.

• It doesn't prepare kids for the real world:Others say life won't always be gentle, and children need to learn to handle discomfort, disappointment, and authority.

• Kids never hear "no": A common misconception is that gentle parenting avoids saying "no" altogether, leaving children unsure how to handle disappointment .

• It fosters entitlement:There's a concern that constant validation and emotional cushioning may result in kids who feel overly important or emotionally fragile.

While these criticisms seem valid, they often stem from a misunderstanding of what gentle parenting really is—or from watching it applied inconsistently. In reality, it's actually permissive parenting that tends to ruffle feathers. Since "gentle" and "permissive" both sound like a laissez-faire approach to parenting, it's easy to confuse the two, especially when they share a few surface-level similarities—but they are not the same.

The Difference Between Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting

The ultimate difference between gentle and permissive parenting boils down to this: Gentle parenting focuses on raising emotionally secure, respectful kids while still maintaining clear rules and structure; permissive parenting aims for the same outcome but often lacks the tools or boundaries kids need to get there.

"Gentle parenting is describing [a] pattern of warm and firm parenting," explains Leigh Spivey-Rita, PhD , Assistant Professor in Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University. "It prioritizes connection and expressing empathy , attending to a child's emotional needs while still holding developmentally appropriate boundaries."

In contrast, she says, permissive parenting tends to lack those essential boundaries. "[Permissive parenting] is quite warm and focused on the relationship, but less focused on setting rules or expectations for the child."

Here are some key differences between gentle parenting and permissive parenting:

So, Is Gentle Parenting Really Spoiling Kids?

The concern that gentle parenting might spoil kids isn't new—especially in online parenting discourse where videos of parents calmly narrating a tantrum or negotiating with a preschooler tend to go viral. Critics argue that kids raised this way don't hear "no" enough, don't learn to deal with disappointment, and might grow up entitled. But is there any actual evidence that this happens?

Not really—at least, not when gentle parenting is practiced as intended.

According to child development and behavioral health specialist and licensed psychologist Kate Norwalk, PhD , it's hard to say definitively whether or not gentle parenting affects how entitled children become, as there is no empirical research on this specific approach.

"Many of the strategies used in gentle parenting are very effective for helping a child manage their emotions and behaviors and build resilience and emotional intelligence."

Kate Norwalk, PhD

That said, "Gentle parenting borrows many of its ideas from other parenting approaches, such as authoritative parenting and emotion coaching, which have been extensively researched for their positive effects on children's social, emotional, and behavioral development, " she explains. "So, in that sense, many of the strategies used in gentle parenting are very effective for helping a child manage their emotions and behaviors and build resilience and emotional intelligence."

Dr. Spivey-Rita adds that, if anything, gentle parenting is setting kids up for success: "It's giving them the tools that they'll need to be able to effectively navigate the world," she says. "It helps them learn about themselves. It helps them learn about others [and] get a sense of how the world works."

The key distinction, Dr. Norwalk emphasizes, is how the approach is applied. Gentle parenting involves limits, expectations, and follow-through—but through a lens of empathy and emotional support. Even so, Dr. Norwalk points out that gentle parenting is not the best approach for all children, especially those who have more intense emotional and behavioral needs.

The Link Between Gentle Parenting Practices and Secure Attachment

One of the major concerns critics raise is that gentle parenting can lead to children who struggle to regulate their emotions. If parents are constantly stepping in to soothe or explain, the thinking goes, kids may not learn to manage their feelings or tolerate discomfort. But that argument doesn't hold up when we look at how gentle parenting actually supports emotional development—especially when it's practiced consistently and in age-appropriate ways.

Because gentle parenting involves empathy, mindfulness, and emotional responsiveness, it sets the stage for a secure attachment between children and their parents, which research shows comes with an array of benefits.

"There's a large body of research demonstrating the positive effects of secure attachment for children," says Dr. Spivey-Rita. "It helps them with their emotion regulation, helps their social skill development [and] helps them be more confident [and] resilient. There's just a long list of positive effects of secure attachment, which I think is the goal of gentle parenting."

Some of the most notable research includes a study published in The Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment that examined the relationship between attachment security and emotion regulation in young children, which found that securely attached children were better equipped to handle emotions. Moreover, research in Emotion Review found that secure attachment was linked to lower emotional reactivity and faster emotional recovery.

Dr. Spivey-Rita adds that gentle parenting practices can also foster co-regulation, or how parents help their kids manage big emotions . You're not just telling them what to do—you're modeling how to do it, whether it's taking deep breaths, talking it out, or facing the natural consequences. Over time, kids start learning how to regulate those emotions themselves.

So while it may seem like gentle parenting gives emotions too much airtime, the reality is that it helps kids learn to name, understand, and manage their emotions—skills that are essential for long-term resilience.

Finding Balance in Gentle Parenting

Even among supporters of gentle parenting, there's growing recognition that it can be hard to get right—and even harder to sustain, especially when life gets stressful.

The key to successful gentle parenting, says Dr. Norwalk, is to validate a child's emotions while still setting boundaries and consequences for their behavior.

"Boundaries help children feel safe by making things more consistent and predictable," she says. "I encourage parents to communicate to their children that all emotions, but not all behaviors, are ok. [For example], 'It is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to hit or throw toys when you are angry.'"

Dr. Spivey-Rita explains, "It's not realistic for an adult to expect a young child to be able to notice their emotions and then effectively regulate [them] because they haven't learned that yet. And so gentle parenting comes in with scaffolding that skill."

For example, she says that if a child seems frustrated, you can say, "I can tell that your body looks really tense right now; you sound like you're frustrated." By giving a name to the sensation and acknowledging it, you're helping your child learn and understand what they're feeling. From there, you can teach your child what's okay and what's not okay in terms of expressing that particular emotion.

Eventually, the child will learn how to regulate emotions on their own, which requires you to step back a little—even during tantrums . "One of the most common examples I see in my practice is when parents try to interact with or soothe their child when they are having a tantrum or meltdown," says Dr. Norwalk. "Not only does this often lead to an escalation in the behavior, but it also takes away an opportunity for the child to practice regulating their own emotions."

Read the original article on Parents