Women Who Have Decentered Men Are Sharing Their Revelations, And Yessssss
Reddit user SweetLexiSweet recently asked r/AskWomen , "For those of you who have decentered men — what's been your biggest revelation?" Here's how women responded:
1. "For a long time, I believed on a subconscious level that men had authority over me – that their decisions and preferences held more weight/were more important than mine. Now I know that partnerships should always be equal."
2. "That mentorship from women elders is essential and equally as important as finding a life partner. Without that mentorship, you will fall into so many societal traps built by men to fool you into being less and settling in life."
Related: 14 Random Facts That You Probably Never Knew
3. "Once you have money and are a very successful woman, the only thing men have to offer is the way they treat you — and most fail miserably."
4. "I'm getting divorced after being married for 12 years and with the man altogether 15 years. I spent my entire adult life with him. I've been on my own for about six months now, and I've recently realized he never even liked me. I think he liked the idea of me, but he actually knew very little of me as a person. I just stood for something in his life. Maybe I was an accomplishment. Maybe I was meant to prop up his massive male ego. I don't know. But I know all that time meant next to nothing to him, and he never valued me as a person. I don't know if he even saw me as a person in his life, the way I see friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances."
"Looking back, it's like I was just existing and nothing else, and now I can't look at a man or think of being in another relationship as something that'd add anything to my life. I keep wondering why a relationship with a man is supposed to be my first priority and why that should be the center of my happiness. I feel like I can be a whole, fulfilled person without the male-centered relationship, and that's been such a ******* revelation for me. I can't wait to show my daughters that decentering men is, in fact, a valid option and that my life holds value even while I'm not filling a role in a man's life."
5. "I truly feel like I wasted my 20s focusing SO hard on finding a partner. I truly missed out on fostering better friendships, having more fun, and living a carefree life. I feel sad for myself, but I have another shot now, at 36, to put myself first, and as much as I'm excited about that, there aren't many others my age in a similar boat. They're getting married and starting to have children, and I'm getting divorced with a 2-year-old."
6. "Using the energy I would have given to a man to myself. Cooking delicious meals. Having a well-kept, gorgeous home. Dressing up and looking good. Except instead of external validation, it's for me."
7. "Chasing a man is a waste of time. Masculine men won't make you chase them, so focus on yourself. It made me realize what I want in a man whom I would even consider as my partner."
Related: 25 Real-Life Scary Stories That Sound Completely Fake, But Are Actually 100% Real
8. "Periods of my life that were consumed by chasing men, I lost the opportunity to connect with myself. Male-centered women do not make good friends."
9. "Absolutely everything is achievable without them. Not in a nasty way. Just, if you need to do basic car maintenance or home repairs, you can quite easily learn to do it yourself. I've made a few connections through work, too, with women in other roles, and I often turn to them first because I know I can rely on them to do the job I want and do it properly the first time. Men are still good people. They're just not the ONLY solution for things."
10. "That I was only afraid of aging under the male gaze. Without, I am just fine with entering my crone era!"
Related: My Innocence Has Been D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D After Learning These Terrible, Disturbing, And Creepy Things
11. "Realizing how peaceful it is to pursue my dreams without having to center someone else's needs. The women in my family married young and didn't have the same opportunities I do, so I feel really grateful to be able to focus on myself."
12. "That men generally tend to seek women for their utility: Can she provide me emotional support, bring me out of my comfort zone, manage my house, etc.? But women tend to seek men for connection and depth, actually valuing the qualities they bring to the table. I find the former dehumanizing, selfish, and transactional, while the latter treats men as people. That's also because in the process of decentring men, women do productive activities such as hitting the gym, expanding their careers, prioritizing friendships, which leads to a healthier mental state and thus, less toxicity in dating. Of course, this can't be generalized, but it's just something I observed in my life and among my social circle."
13. "Nobody is coming to save me, and I have to get **** done on my own. It's up to me to be prepared for disasters, and I need to do everything I can to avoid them happening to me in the first place. This has meant things like losing weight and getting in better shape, so my body has the best chance to avoid injury and disease. It means tightening my spending so I have a good saving buffer and can fix issues as they come up, or before they happen whenever possible. It means spending money on needs and on anticipating the worst, instead of things I want like a big vacation or a shiny new car. Instead, I get regular maintenance done on my home and car, and go to every screening and checkup my doctor recommends. Installing security cameras around my home and a dashcam in my car for security. Thinking about what could go wrong and trying to mitigate it ahead of time."
"I realized I'm just happier this way, too. I don't expect anyone else to drop everything and run to me. But I've also built a community of friends and neighbors whom I help out and can ask for help from when needed. But I know that just because I ask, they don't have to say yes. They usually do, but I know I'll be okay and can pivot and find another solution if they can't."
14. "Oddly enough, my realization is that there are actually a handful of good guys out there, which can be found through men you casually date, friends, my girl friends' SOs, etc. Once I stopped revolving my life around one awful man who could never see my worth, I got sort of like an aerial view of men, and I saw that not all men are like him/any one man you put on a pedestal. There are actually men who make efforts, remember stuff about you, keep promises/plans, who actually think about how their actions can make you feel, communicate, actually wanna get to know you on a deeper level, etc., because once I started not giving a **** about having a man in my life, I got to be picky about who to let into my life."
15. "I don't need to shave, or be useful, to be loved."
— Menyana
16. "What makes a woman beautiful is not limited to what men find attractive! I'm attracted to all genders, and my god, older women are so amazingly gorgeous. Facial lines and gray or white hair... People act like an old woman's body is a horror, but it's absolutely beautiful! Did you see Karen Allen in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny ?! She was gorgeous in her earlier years; she is a GODDESS now!"
17. "Male validation actually has no value and doesn't afford you any real power or safety."
18. "At one point, I realized I did everything, particularly having to do with my appearance, like getting dressed/doing my hair and makeup/buying clothes, with this view of 'how do I look to men' as a running commentary in the background. I never even realized, my whole life, that I'd been doing it until that moment. It was horrifying. I didn't care how things felt on my own body more than how I came across to men in general. And mind you, not in a sexy/attractive way, in an 'is this pleasing enough not to get me hurt or noticed in a negative light by men?' way."
"After that, it took some time, but I completely stopped dressing and doing my appearance for the male gaze. I don't shave, rarely wear makeup, put my hair in a top knot most days, and don't get highlights anymore, and I dress in comfortable clothes and shoes. I look completely different from how I used to, even my voice and facial expressions are more natural, and if I don't feel like smiling, or laughing at bad jokes…I don't."
19. And: "I didn't realize this is what it was called. I think, for me, it's just trying to think how my life would look like if I treated relationships the way men do. I suddenly don't feel like there is a clock ticking down the time I have to find someone. It's nice."
What have you learned about yourself or the world after decentering men? Tell us in the comments or share anonymously using this form.
Also in Internet Finds: Sorry, Only People With Actual Survival Skills Can Pass This Quiz, And I Bet You're Not One Of Them
Also in Internet Finds: 23 Stories That Prove We Are All Just Seconds Away From Death At Any Given Moment, And I Feel Totally Normal About That, Not Even Scared
Also in Internet Finds: "They Are The Only Person To Get A Lifetime Ban From My House": 17 People Share Stories About The Most UNHINGED Guests They've Ever Invited Over
