People Considered 'Overly Competitive' in Childhood Often Develop These 16 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

Soccer programs can begin in toddlerhood. While those are (hopefully) low-key, youth sports can be highly competitive (for better or worse). A competitive attitude can give a child an edge. Even if a person isn't an athlete, other games, like the classic Candy Land and Uno, can bring out a person's competitive side. It's all fun and games...until it goes too far.

"Being overly competitive means having an excessive or unhealthy desire to outperform others," says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D. , a licensed psychologist in Texas.

The win-at-all-costs mentality can—ironically—see a person taking L after L, especially in the adult world. 

"It can manifest as a constant need to win or be the best in all situations, often at the expense of relationships, personal well-being or enjoyment of the activity itself," Dr. McGeehan explains. 

Over-competitiveness in childhood can also lead to a person's developing certain traits. Dr. McGeehan and other psychologists share common traits overly competitive children often display as adults and a playbook for overcoming negative behaviors so you (and your loved ones) can all feel like winners.

Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

16 Traits of Adults Who Were Considered 'Overly Competitive' as Kids, According to Psychologists

1. External validation junkies

The best validation comes from within—the innate knowledge that you're "good enough." However, adults who were obsessed with winning as kids may not have this knowledge.

"Winning or outperforming others was how they learned to measure success," Dr. McGeehan says. "This leads to an adult who is always seeking from others and is not OK on their own."

2. Sensitive to constructive criticism 

Constructive feedback can help us grow as people, employees and athletes. However, as noted above, external validation is vital for people who were over-competitive as kids. Constructive feedback can feel like the polar opposite, even if delivered with a team-first mentality, says Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C , psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health.

3. Constant comparison 

They say comparison is the thief of joy, but people who were determined to be No. 1 no matter what, as children, are more likely to engage in it. 

"They make a habit of constantly comparing their achievements or status to others, often feeling dissatisfied with their own accomplishments," Dr. McGeehan says.

4. Jealousy

All that comparison can leave a person feeling rather green (and it ain't easy living like that—or with someone who constantly acts jealous). 

"Overly competitive adults may be jealous of peers who outperform them, which could cause tension and even conflict," Dr. Guarnotta says.

Related:  5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors

5. Performance anxiety

Feeling as if you're under the microscope is enough to make anyone feel uneasy. However, overly competitive people can buckle under pressure because of performance anxiety, says  Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP , a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC. For example, this anxiety can lead to a person forgetting lines during a work presentation or bombing an interview.

6. Fear of failure

Often, the performance anxiety can be so great that a person doesn't want to try—especially if it's something new or that they don't feel they are "good at." (Their definition of "good" often involves impossible standards that are way higher than necessary.)

"People who are afraid of losing may steer clear of any task that they are not guaranteed to win," Dr. Leno says.

7. Rigidness

Stretching is an integral part of a warm-up or cool-down in sports. However, the flexibility from stretching hamstrings often doesn't extend to a person's thinking if they're over-competitive.

"They are likely to attribute a loss to not working hard enough instead of viewing their opponent as worthy," Dr. Leno says.

8. All work, no play

You likely won't find timeouts for "fun" on a success-obsessed person's game plan.

"Some overly competitive people are so consumed with the task at hand that they frown upon stepping away for chill time," Dr. Leno says.

Dr. McGeehan echoes these sentiments, saying the behavior often traces back to childhood attitudes.

"Because they've never really learned to play, engaging in it as adults can be challenging," she says. "This can also translate into the overbooked and burned-out adult."

Related: 7 Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents, According to a Psychologist

9. Everything is a competition...

Have you ever met someone who could turn a simple conversation about weekend plans into a winner-take-all game? Discussions about lack of sleep or the amount of stress you're experiencing can also feel like an Olympic event. These people may have been considered overly competitive kids, but it's not a winning strategy for building adult connections.

"Some may have difficulty maintaining intimate, social and professional relationships due to their intense drive," Dr. Leno says. 

10. Manipulative

The desire to win runs deep and can lead to some dirty play.

"They may use manipulative tactics , such as lying or cheating, to beat other people," Dr. Guarnotta says.

11. Perfectionism

Unsurprisingly, perfectionism is rampant among people who were highly competitive as children, says  Dr. Deborah Gilman, Ph.D ., the owner and chief licensed psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services.

She explains that a fear of failure typically drives the never-ending and impossible pursuit of getting an A+++ and 110 on every task. However, it can be paralyzing and lead to procrastination.

12.  Hesitancy in intimate relationships 

Over-competitive kids are sometimes pegged as egotistical. However, they may lack self-esteem, which sabotages adult relationships. 

"Individuals who were overly competitive in childhood often struggle to form deep emotional connections as adults," Dr. Gilman says. "This can be attributed to a fear of vulnerability, as individuals may be reluctant to open up and reveal their true selves to others."

It's hard to be genuinely intimate with someone you barely know, especially long-term.

13. Difficulty collaborating

Many aspects of life—from romantic partnerships to co-worker relationships—are team sports. However, people who were overly competitive as kids and still are as adults may struggle to play along. 

"Because they never learned how to play on a team, often these adults struggle with appropriate communication, taking direction and generally performing on a team," Dr. McGeehan says. 

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14. Low emotional IQ

All of the above traits indicate a poor emotional IQ , and having more of them isn't merrier.

"People may struggle with empathy, as their focus on competition may have hindered their ability to recognize or respect others' feelings," Dr. McGeehan says. "Often, these individuals don't have many intimate and healthy relationships because people don't enjoy being around them. They also tend to focus on themselves."

It sounds harsh, but the good news is that you can improve your emotional intelligence —we'll get there.

15. Aggression

Too much aggression is a foul in sports (and life, too).

"Aggression can manifest in both physical and verbal hostility, as individuals may resort to aggression to assert dominance or win at all costs," Dr. Gilman says.

Putting your hands on someone isn't OK, which should go without saying it, but sadly, it doesn't. However, as Dr. Gilman says, verbal aggression is also harmful. For instance, a person who was an overly competitive child may develop into a person who uses insults to get their way, making conflict resolution and maintaining healthy relationships a massive hurdle.

16. Placing pressure on their kids

Overly competitive kids can grow into overly competitive parents, continuing negative cycles.

"Competitive people encourage their kids to do their best while also sending a message that their best is not enough," Dr. Leno says.

Related: 12 Genuine Phrases to 'Instantly Brighten' Someone's Day, According to a Psychologist

How To Work on Negative 'Overly Competitive' Traits Learned in Childhood

1. Understand your motives

Dr. Gilman says it's important to understand where the overly competitive behavior comes from to change it. Were your parents too hard on you? Were you bullied in school? Try journaling or simply setting aside time to self-reflect. Therapy can also help, she says.

2. Practice mindfulness and self-compassion

If so many of the above traits feel like you, you may feel like the worst person alive. And, if you were an over-competitive child, you're already probably harder on yourself than anyone else. Be kind to yourself—it's an essential component of healing.

"Self-compassion helps reduce the pressure to always win," Dr. McGeehan says. "Being mindful of your emotions in competitive situations allows you to acknowledge your feelings without letting them dictate your actions."

3. Set non-competitive goals

Life isn't always a game to be won. Dr. McGeehan recommends focusing on goals and activities that involve collaboration, learning or sheer enjoyment rather than winning. These activities can help you learn to appreciate the process rather than the outcome.

4. Redirect your competitiveness

Dr. McGeehan also recommends looking for ways to channel your competitiveness in ways that aren't hurtful to others. For instance, instead of throwing elbows in the town 5K so you finish ahead of all of your friends, focus on setting a new personal record (without doing something that might get you disqualified and banned from future races).

5. Focus on progress, not perfection

Sorry, no one actually throws a perfect game in life. Instead, acknowledge all the little wins you experience along the way. 

"It's about the journey, not the destination," Dr. Guarnotta says. 

For instance, when you achieve the new PR you were going for in step four, acknowledge it with positive self-talk, such as, "I did it—I strived to do better than I did last time, and I did."

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Sources:

• Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D. , a licensed psychologist in Texas

• Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C , psychologist and owner of Phoenix Health

• Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP, a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC

• Dr. Deborah Gilman, Ph.D ., the owner and chief licensed psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services