How to Talk to Older Kids About ICE's Murder of the Minneapolis Mom of 3
- Renee Nicole Good, a Colorado native and mother of three, was shot and killed by ICE in Minneapolis, becoming the third parent to be killed by the agency.
My teen had a meltdown recently about all the violence in our world. It was prompted by ICE’s murder of Renee Nicole Good , the 37-year-old Colorado native, poet, widow, wife, and mother of three who, you likely know by now, was shot three times at close range as she sat in her SUV, just blocks from her home in Minneapolis, making her the third parent to be shot and killed by ICE.
Bystander videos of Good’s killing, taken from several angles, immediately circulated on social media ; photos of the aftermath showed children’s stuffed animals spilling out of her glove compartment.
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“It could’ve been us,” my daughter said. I, too, was rattled. And I’d also had the same thought. How was I supposed to comfort her when everything looked so bleak?
“I think it’s important for parents to know that it’s okay to not have answers,” Omar Gudiño, a senior psychologist with the Child Mind Institute , says. “‘This doesn’t make a lot of sense’ is sometimes all we can say.” That’s especially true when such violent, upsetting events prompt questions from older kids that are more “existential,” he says, “like, what does it mean about the world and the future?”
First step: Listen
What’s most important, says Gudiño, is listening to your teen’s thoughts, and then validating what teens are feeling, “whether it’s fear, whether it’s anger, or a sense of injustice or powerlessness,” and then helping them put words to their experiences.
Parents also shouldn’t be afraid to let their adolescents see their own upset, he says. “Think about how you want to model that for your kids.” It’s worth trying to find the right approach for your own kid’s temperament, he says, while also thinking about “how you can validate their experience and talk about your experience in a way that maybe makes them feel more grounded or more centered.”
Barbara Greenberg , a psychologist who treats tweens and teens in Connecticut, suggests not sugar-coating the situation for older kids. “This is not really a time for reassurance,” she says. Instead, “it is a time for education, of both history and politics, which can help open up conversations about our country,” she says, as well as a time for “processing your thoughts and feelings together.”
Suggest stepping back from social media
Helping your kids set social media boundaries can be a great way to help them, says Gudiño. Set time limits together, put the phone away, and then talk about what’s on their mind.
While “we don’t want to encourage avoidance entirely,” as it’s important to stay informed, he adds, the Minneapolis tragedy is so fresh that it makes sense to treat it as you would a shooting taking place right on your own street. “You wouldn’t stand there and stare at it,” he says. “You would get away from it.”
Kris Perry, executive director of the nonprofit Children and Screens: Institute of Digital Media and Child Development , believes that this moment presents an ideal time to help your teens and tweens reduce their social media usage.
“I think it’s good to say, ‘Don’t watch as much content right now. It’s too upsetting. Let’s do something that makes us feel connected and happy instead,” she says, suggesting parents use the opportunity to say, “Let’s slow down. Let’s be quieter. Let’s spend an evening at home. Let’s play game. Let’s do something different.”
While that might sound “Pollyanna,” Perry adds, “the reality is, if you’ve built a good relationship with your kid, they really do want to be around you—especially if they’re feeling upset or scared by or they’ve experienced. They want that closeness with you.”
Encourage them feel less helpless
Empathize with your kid about how so much of what’s going today—whether with ICE, school shootings, war, or any of the other horrors that media bombards them with daily—is not under our control.
But then, says Gudiño, try encouraging them focus on what is in our control, whether that’s attending a vigil or protest, reaching out to a charity to volunteer, or just getting more informed.
For inspiration, you might point them in the direction of popular American historian Heather Cox Richardson, who posed the question of how to respond to her 723,000 Instagram followers last week.
“What do ordinary people do in this time? The place you start to change politics is at the local level. So do that,” she suggests. “Never forget that the reason we know what happened to Ms. Good was because so many of her neighbors were out there filming.”
Acting at the local level, Cox says, “matters for the future.”
You might also share with your teen the words of Good’s wife, Becca Good, who offered a lengthy, heartfelt statement to Minnesota Public Radio.
“Renee lived by an overarching belief: There is kindness in the world, and we need to do everything we can to find it where it resides and nurture it where it needs to grow,” she said in part. “We thank you for ensuring that Renee’s legacy is one of kindness and love.”
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