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A consequence of life is the existence of its counterpart: death.
Yesterday my mom passed away.
As I've posted before, she's been in and out of the hospital more times than I can count over the years due to her long struggle with pain-inducing autoimmune issues (fibro, rheumatoid, etc.). This past year her gall bladder made that worse with many gall stones. A week ago bacterial infection got out of control and into her blood, and now she's gone.
She went peacefully, with me and my sister standing over her. My Dad - who has been her absolute hero in caring for her all these years - couldn't bear to watch once the decision was made that the doctors had done all they could and it was time. He was home with their puppy, able to grieve in private, and last night the three of us went to dinner and all ordered her favorite Italian dish in her memory.
I debated posting anything this morning, but as I doubt any newspaper is going to publish an obituary I decided to at least write something. Because she was my Mom - she was there whenever I needed, with an open heart always wanting to show love and compassion. She had her emotional issues (who doesn't?) but her heart was golden. From what I've heard from her aide (who helped Dad care for her for the past eight years), she was ready to go - she was tired of the pain, and tired of worrying about the toll it all was taking on Dad. Over the past couple weeks she apparently had expressed such to my sister as well. We all agree that she has surprised us over the past twenty years that she lived as long as she did (she was 75), especially considering how many close calls she'd had where a few minutes difference would have changed the outcome.
My wife and I were fortunate enough to be able to have lunch with them a few weeks ago after having stayed away during the summer due to the swell of Covid. We knew if she caught that she wouldn't make it. She rallied that day to join us at the dining table for the entire meal (and dessert!), and it was a lovely meal which we will always treasure.
Before her illnesses reduced her ability to engage in the activities she most enjoyed, she had loved to go camping (she co-led my sister's Girl Scout troupe with her best friend whose daughter was also in the troupe), she was a CPR/Basic-Aid-Training instructor, and she loved to play the Celtic harp for many years even after she was no longer able to play her first beloved instrument: the violin. She loved music.
And she was my Mom.
My parents were married for 53 years, having met on a blind date in San Francisco set up by mutual friends. They were married within the year, as it was indeed a love-at-first-sight romance. They've had a couple rough patches over the years (again, who doesn't?) but as they well and truly loved each other they made it through. When it came to us kids, she was a fierce protective bear - willing and able to stand toe-to-toe with my Dad (who is an especially strong-willed individual himself) when it was needed.
We're all going to miss her, but we take comfort in knowing the pain is over and that her spirit can now fly free. Godspeed, Mom. We love you.
I think that's all I can type through these tears. Thanks for reading.
- Erisian <3
Comments
Mommas
We all have or had mothers, so we can feel for you. But your loss is your own and may your grief lead you to peace through love and healing.
I wrote a short song here when my mother died several years ago. I still can't read it without crying but I am glad I wrote it. Maybe it can help you heal, too.
Hugs,Erin
https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog-entry/5673/what-mommas-do
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I envy you your mother
You are blessed to have had such a mother. My condolences for your loss. No matter the circumstances a death is always hard. I would advise you to take time to grieve, though it seems from the tone of your post that you have started the process well. Just remember that it is a process.
My father passed in 1992 and there are still times when I deeply miss him. He was a wealth of knowledge and anytime I need advice he was just a phone call away.
As for an obituary I believe that you would need to write that yourself and submit it to the paper. Unless it's an extremely small town paper then you're right they won't do it on their own.
Your mom might be gone, but she lives on in your heart.
HugsPatricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.Semper in femineo gerunt
So very sorry ...
I know words can help just about not at all ...
May All Beings be free of pain.
May All Beings be happy,May All beings be healthy,
May All Beings have peace,
And may All Beings be Loved, in this World, and in the Next.
---Can I suggest you save this, share with your Mom's and your friends (as appropriate) and with your family. Ask others to contribute. Everyone knew your Mom in different ways, and will have different stories.
In time, such a document may become a family treasure, perhaps especially for her grandchildren who might now be too young to have clear memories. Oh, and photos.
And take care of yourself and each other.
Hugs
I’m sorry for your loss I don’t know where I would be without my own mother.
hugs :)Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Hugs
My sincerest condolences, of course.
I lost both my parents in a span of 9 months.
Point is, keep an eye on your father, as you probably know it is extremely common for the other part of a couple to die soon after due to grief.
Take the time for yourself and for your father so that you don't have to face it again far too soon.
Life
All birth is bittersweet as it is always a gift of life as well as a gift of death.
The latter's existence of course necessitates the former and we always focus on that aspect of this cycle without wanting to dwell too hard on what follows. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worthwhile, especially when one is born into a sucky life.
Thanks everyone
Thanks everyone, it's been a rough week but of course it was. My father seems to be doing okay, and my sister came back out on Thursday (she lives out of state) this time bringing my niece, so we all had a nice dinner last night together. We're all coping as best we can, and I'll be visiting my dad if not every weekend at least every other weekend going forward so I can keep checking on him. Oh and my sister will be back on Thanksgiving (which is only weeks away, yipes!) which will be good.
She agreed with me about getting tired too quickly and experiencing a marked loss of patience - the idiots on the freeways definitely don't help with that. I went back to work for a couple days and yep focus time has been limited - something which is currently annoying the heck out of me as I tried to get some writing done today. Only managed a couples hours worth but once that wall is hit trying to push past it just seems to cause eyelids to close regardless of the brain going, 'nooo! want to keep going!!' Doesn't matter how much tea I've had either.
Bleh.
Hugs to everyone, and to those also dealing with loss of which it sadly seems there are a few. :/
- Erisian <3
Focus
I assume it is the 'gift' that keeps on giving that is covid?
I would do my darnest going forward to not get further infections of covid as it will only make long covid, worse and worse. Multiple severe viral infections also has the effect of wearing out the naive t-cell supply of the body needed to create specialty t-cells needed to fight a particular infection.
It takes quite a bit of time, as I understand it, for that supply of naive t-cells to recover so it is best to space out viral infections as much as possible.
Keep Safe, avoid getting another one any time soon.
Not Covid
The mental fatigue from covid faded out (thankfully) awhile ago. This is a lack of focus stamina as a result of grief and working to keep emotions under control to function during the day. It takes energy to maintain equilibrium against the surges of all the reactions such as breakthrough tears and also anger - plus others that may not be as immediately noticeable. And while I've been sleeping enough hours that doesn't mean the sleep was properly restful. Is normal (and yep been through it before) but frustrating nevertheless.
I'll still try to avoid another covid spell of course. :)
Good to hear
To have that burden stacked on top of this would be horrible.
I understand totally. After losing both my parents in the course of 9 months I was not great to be around for months afterward. Grief takes time, lots and lots and lots of time. *sigh*
Obviously if your company has bereavement leave I assume you are or have taken it.
I am glad you have family to share the burden.