Tragedy of the Spirit -Part 15- Jenn S.

Jenn was nice. She is three years older than me. When she introduced herself to me and my "mother" I knew then that I could trust her. She just had that sense of trustworthiness about her. Jenn was 4'11 then and very lithe, she had long dark brown hair. Her appearance was beautiful. I enrolled in the program that was offered. The first meeting was the following Wednesday at 7 in the town hall.

There were 10 students, and I knew all of them. It was a relief, which meant that I wouldn't have to worry about being around strangers. Even then, I was skittish around strangers. They went to the same country school, some were in my classes. Jenn took me under her wing; Even then, she seemed to befriend me. There were five instructors, whichmeant two students per instructor. I thought very cool. I was very shy and it showed in my demeanor.

I was also a studious individual that was eager to learn and Jenn was that eager to teach us. As for me, I had always fancied horses. They are graceful and very peaceful animals. They seem to know the person with how that person interacts with them. This became my strongest trait with working with horses. I did not know it at the time, but my friendship with Jenn and love for horses would help me to escape from my hellhole of a life.

We were taught all sorts of trades and encompassing each of those in our lives. It was weird for me, though. I was raped and beaten in the barn, yet here I was, willing to be in a barn. The training for specific traits began in an indoor arena three weeks later. We were all given horses to work with. We had to know them and let them know us. I was very gentle, and I believe that Jenn knew that I had a special gift working with them.

She saw my tender Heart reach out to this gentle giant and speak to it in its own language. I could tell when they had been hurt by a rider, or stable hand and the horses drank in my empathy as I did what I could to help them. Most of the time, it was my empathic contact that seemed to do the most good. Jenn, taught me all about barrel racing, the techniques the skill and strategy. I excelled at that over the course of the years with my involvement with 4H.

Jenn lived about 4 miles from where I lived. I eventually confided in her of the goings on in my household. She was shocked and dismayed at the level of abuse that I told her I suffered. She assured me that I could talk to her when ever I needed too. Believe me I did call upon her for comforting. I was just finishing up my grade 7 year when I was told that Jenn was moving into the city.

Needless to say, I was sad. I was also glad that she was going to go to the city, be somebody there and get away from the country lifestyle. I had maintained a letter correspondence with her while she was in the city and attending school. We grew close like sisters. She knew of my issues with my parents and my forced situation with crossdressing and sexual intercourse with my "father" and eventuality with my "brother".

She was sickened. When I left home that early morning in May, she was also the first to come to my aid and care. I would have wished that I could have gone with her when she did. Just as she wished that I could move.

I kept in contact with her, and we had many a many conversations. Those conversations, like Jenn, were a blessing that I miss to this day. She will forever be my Best Friend and Sister in my Heart. There are two others that over time became close to me, Melanie Dixon, and a man, no, a GENTLEMAN, Stanman63. I hope that one day, that we can meet. Most men I am afraid of, not him.

I can only describe Jenn in a few ways: Kind, considerate, my sister, my friend, and my source for some strength. Her spirit was and still exists today in me. Her support and love guided me to where I sit today with myself. I believe that God sent her my way as His special Angel, to minister to me. Spiritually, I grew in knowing this kind and gentle soul. Her ability to let me find myself was a great help to me. It allowed me to grow, and mature.

Sure, you can say that I was not mature in the broadest sense. However, in other ways I was more mature than most kids my age and even some adults. At times, I wondered if I was more mature than Jenn was when I came back into her life after my experience with seeing death. She never said it though, I just wonder if she thought it. I never asked her nor prodded her to tell me what she thought of me. She gave me respect, and a love that only sisters can show sisters.

I stayed in contact with her long after I graduated from high school. She had moved east to attend a prestigious college and began her career of teaching there. It was the saddest news any one could ever hear when I was informed of her death. I was shocked to the core. Here my best friend, sister, confidant, my strength for going on had passed away. Now, I was alone in the world.

I never knew that she had some severe health concerns after she had moved east. She developed breast cancer that took her, slowly. I found out when I contacted her mom long after the funeral that I attended. Believe me, I cried all through it. Today, when I travel to the place where she is laid to rest I lay roses at her stone, and I would pray that she would come back to me.

I know she cannot physically. However, her spirit lives in me with everything I do now, and will continue to do. Her gentle soul, her spirit, her life, her friendship, her companionship, her love, her protection when I need it most, she was there. She was more like my mother and I respected her and loved it. She was more my parent than my actual "parents" were. Jenn gave me so much and I in turn now can give back.

I love you Jenn, God Bless you, my spirit carries on through your gift.