Can Dreams Come True?…Part 7
I’m still trying to figure things out.
How he is, how that must feel.
I sort of get it but.
He’s a girl that’s never been a girl but she…he’s not transgendered?
Okay one thing’s pretty clear and that Ryan seems way, way more together than me.
It’s actually kind of nice in that way.
I lean back in the chair I’m in and sort of hug myself and think and I’m still doing that when he comes back and he looks at me.
“Josie? You okay?”
“Yeah…usually no but I mean I guess…I’m surprised though.”
“That I’m…?”
“Yeah, I’m trying to get my head around it.”
“Sorry.”
He’s sitting on the couch and now that I can see him without the baggy shirt yeah he has boobs. But he’s still a he.
“No, you don’t have to be sorry but…you say you’re not trans and that you’re female but you’re a guy…I don’t get how that works?”
He smiles a little. “It’s like this…I was born a girl and I went through all the motions all through highschool to fit in and be this sort of kind of alpha female. I was doing that so I would fit in with the other girls except it wasn’t remotely who I was inside.”
“That kind of fits being trans.”
“I know but I don’t feel the need to change my body.”
“So you’re a butch lesbian?”
“No…not that either. I ended up trying being a lesbian and that was after I had a complete asshole like breakdown when one of my so called…well that’s what I thought then…Kate was one of my super girlie friends, she was just as deep into denial as I was apparently and after her first year in university she comes back and she had come out of the closet as a lesbian. That wigged me out so much that I had a total bitch fit over it and wigged out over it and actually went all bigot and anti-gay and stuff.”
“You?”
“I was in a lot of denial and after a year of it I ended up losing a lot of friends over it and I took off and moved away to Montreal to go to university there. That’s where I stayed with my sort of cousin.”
“Sort of cousin?”
“Toni was his grand niece.” Ryan gestures around the apartment. “She was always at our place whenever her family came down home so I took her up on her offer.”
“Okay and you changed your mind when?”
“There was a car accident in my second year. Toni and I were hit by a drunk driver and there was snow and slush and we were pushed into traffic and she was killed.”
I swallow and I…should I get up and hug him?
“I was in the hospital and there was all this stuff going on and that’s when Toni was actually Anthony and she was trans…I had never really ever put it together not even living together.”
“You never seen each other naked?”
“Actually no. That and losing her pushed me right over the edge into a nervous breakdown. I’d been such a hateful bigot around her because of who I really am I snapped.”
“How bad?”
“Suicide watch for a couple of weeks then a lot of therapy until I got to admit to being really me.”
“So how’d you deal?”
“I had been moved home and my parents weren’t exactly thrilled with me especially mu mother and my sisters when I purged my life of the lies and stuff.”
“Purged like dressing and stuff?”
“Actually a lot like your end of things. Women’s clothes that I actually hated and never felt comfortable in and the make up and all of that stuff and I even cut off all of my hair.”
“So your folks thought you were gay…I mean lesbian?”
“Yeah and it didn’t go over well so I moved out and I went to Halifax and met up and apologized with Kate and I’ve been trying to find myself since then.”
“So can I ask?’
“Ask what?” …… Ryan grins at me. “Sure.”
“So what are you into…like as a partner?”
“People, I’m really not into labels…and I mean that I’ve done the lesbian thing and I’m too much a guy and I’ve tried being the trans-man and that hasn’t worked either because with the gay guys that I was with as a trans-guy I was too female for them still.
“Still?”
“Oh apparently I’m too straight man to be campy-gay and I’m still too much of a girl because I like feminine things.”
“Huh?”
“I like feminine things I just don’t like them for me.”
I’m sort of lost and I can get though why this might be a problem for Ryan and someone that he was with in that whole gay man kind of thing.
“Huh?”
“Okay say we’re out and I see a really nice outfit in the store and it’s sexy and girl and stuff I will fan-girl over it but I would want to see it on you because I would never feel comfortable in it.”
“Oh wow that’s just….”
“That’s just exactly why me and labels don’t mix.”
I look at him and I relax.
“Okay…I think that I can deal.”
“Good because I was really hoping that we were still friends after this coming out.”
I am honestly shocked enough that I have some tears come.
“Josie?”
(Sniffle.) “Still friends?” I’m kind of in shock and it comes out like this questioning whine.
Ryan gets up and he comes over and he actually steps over the arm of the chair and he slips down behind me with a very guyesque thump and then his arms are wrapped around me.
“Yes still friends.”
“But…but…I didn’t know we were friends to start with…” I know I’m whining.
He hugs me a little tighter. “Yeah we’re friends.”
“But…but…” But I’m not worth it it’s the very first thought in my head because I had friends…I had them before I started to transition and before I hit that wall…and…I’m to hard to be around.
I’m not worth the pain I bring.
It’s Ryan squeezing me even tighter and rocking us a little from side to side that sort of brings me out of it and my face is wet and I’ve been crying…actually sobbing because my chest sort of hurts in that way it does when you cry too hard or have like a coughing fit.
He didn’t even say anything he is just hanging onto to me so hard and so strong that it kind of feels like somehow he just kept me from flying apart at the seams.
It’s another ten minutes of sniffling and breathing before I can move enough to look over my shoulder at him and he looks me in the eyes and there’s no fake smile, there’s no judging there is just this calm kind light there because he gets it.
He’s fallen apart and been broken.
I have never had someone look at me without judging or blame and hug me and hold me through it in my life before.
I move enough to sit sideways in his arms and let my head fall on his chest.
(Sniffle.) “Can we not do the wash right now and just sit here for awhile.”
“Absolutely.”
(Sniffle.) “Thanks Ryan.”
“You want to lay down on the couch with me?”
“Can we?”
“Yeah, I actually recommend it.”
I get to move and he moves with me and he waddles me over to the TV and stuff and he puts in a DVD and then he kills the lights and we settle together on the couch and it’s so strange he gets comfy and then pulls me close and I get comfy and I can actually feel my left butt cheek sort of resting in the valley of his pubic mound and his breast sort of in my back but it’s…
He still feels like a guy, he still act’s and sort of just moves….carries himself like that and holds me like one.
If my heart wasn’t feeling so messed up than I might just be aroused…more than I am…which yeah that means I am a little.
We just lie there together and he turns on one of those fireplace log burning DVD’s.
Being held and no judging and someone that gets it and is still talking to me….
It feels like.
It feels like I’ve been tossed off my boat that was my life and that finally someone has their hand out and holding onto mine and keeping the waves from swamping me and keeping the undertow from dragging me down.
I can breathe.
Comments
Friends are good
I'm still trying to get my head around Ryan a little too Josie so don't worry. What I do know though is he's a good guy. I don't think much else matters after that. :-)
Great to see Josie has a friend as given everything that has happened so far it's what she really needs.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Friends are good definitely.
Even more than a romantic relationship sometimes is someone who gets it. Ryan's had his own share of things happen enough to be very empathic.*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
It took me a while
to wrap my head around this concept when I met someone like Ryan in person, about 17 years ago.
6'2" 225 lbs. and so completely comfortable with herself [ her choice to be referred to as female ], I even met her daughter and wife. [ common law back then ]
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
Ryan's my first attempt at a non-binary character.
I really do like Ryan as a character though.* Great Big Hugs *
Bailey Summers
Hooray for Gay! ^_^
...no, wait.
...
...I'm totally lost too. But... whatever it is, hooray for it! ^_^
Hooray for Ryan!
Because Ryan's just Ryan.*Huggles and scratches.*
Bailey Summers
ok, lets see if I have this....
Straight. Ryan has girl bits and guy mind and doesn't hate his body. Appreciates the way feminine things look on girls, just not himself. Can pass convincingly as a guy and I guess as a girl as well once in a while (if in fact that was him she saw coming home late that night a while back). I think Josie just found the perfect match, maybe best of both worlds? Yes yes, definitely friends (maybe with benefits?). Wonderful Ms. Summers! (Hugs) Taarpa
Pretty much Taarpa.
Except it wasn't Ryan coming home in a dress but a friend he was helping out from work. The more intimate stuff will really depend on Josie.*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
"I can breathe."
and that's a good thing. Being in a place, with a person where labels dont matter, where you can really breathe ...
nice.
Life sometimes feels like it is closing in on you.
Having the space and time to breathe is really important.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey a Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
just what
she needed, that what.well done, thanks
That just lying there being held...perfect.
Sometimes it's that simple.*Hugs and Howls.*
Bailey Summers
Ryan and Josie...
Sitting on a couch... Aitch, Yu, Gee, Gee, Eye, En, Gee.
So sweet. And the beginning of a deep and lasting friendship, and maybe more...
Ryan's certainly a colourful and original character. A few similarities to Jessie from Squires, both physically (guys with boobs and no desire to get rid of them) and in their accepting attitude toward others. Although of course, Ryan's actually biologically female and Jessie's not. And with the gender and sexual orientation confusion and denial and bigotry and breakdown and coming out and rejection by family, Ryan's experiences are a lot different than Jessie's supportive family and moving around (learning other cultures) and his tilting at windmills (err, air conditioners). :)
Glad to see this story continuing. Curious how things will go with her family too, though. Especially when they find out about her new friend (or more), Ryan. Well, we know brother Jack's going to be an asshole. And sister Jordan is even worse in her bitchy way. The mother might come around someday but is heavily in denial right now... ("Joseph, you don't have to mutilate yourself, we can find you help to accept you're a boy" or whatever) The father wasn't very supportive ("I don't want another daughter" and walks away), but I expected more of a blow up, after all the mention of what a control freak he was with his kids. Jack's girlfriend seems to be the only one who is trying to both understand and accept Josie.
And that's what Josie needs: a friend who understands and accepts her. And she's having a nice time getting that from Ryan.
*hug*
Lisa(fighting with my computer problems this week)
Ryan will be in Josie's corner especially with her family.
Which he's really not impressed with at the moment. Ryan's a different take on the trans-guy image but by far not unheard of in the sexuality and gender spectrums more closer to gender queer than trans but it is who he is.
Friends though, friends are always good.*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey Summers
You know, I get Ryan, completely
I get him because I know someone just like him in attitude.
[ she is 6'2" ]
she is content to be a butch les, but knows that she is male inside.
Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.
The more I meet GNC people the more I find to write.
I've found recently some really great non binary people that are now part of my life.*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers