Young ants do have wings, but adult ants cut down their wings, to force everyone look like them.
Ancient saying
Very soon, we will have our paperwork, our new identities and our official marriage. I will officially be Nicotiana Ana and he will now be Alia Atan. The state employee will randomly chose a common family name for both of us. Well, they are just papers, nothing more, but they do mean something. He long wanted to have a new identity. But about the official marriage, I still think it is too early to do that. Or is it? When the miners will find out this, it will be like the shock waves of a supernova. Supernova? His passion for Astronomy gets into me, day by day.
I am here, at the railway station, like in every morning. Holyday or not, the coal must flow. So, Alia - Atan, dressed as a man, took the morning train to go to his work, like always. I left the train to pass. Soon, it will return and pick-up a few passengers that go downstream. It is a cold winter day, but not for me. I can hardly wait for our papers!
I light a cigarette and try to do some fetish smoking, as seen on YouTube. With practice, it gets better every day. As I practice, I hear a knock in the window. It's my elder sister, Abida!
"Get in, sis! It's warmer in!", I say.
She gets inside and lights a cigarette.
"Hi!"
"Where are you going?" I ask her.
"To the city", she says with a smile.
It is rare that I see Abida smiling. She is usually more quiet and her face does not show many feelings.
"What are you up to?" I ask her.
"I go to get a present for Aslan. Is Atan free tomorrow?"
"Yes, it is his free day", I say. Aslan is her husband. But why does she ask about Atan?
"Great! Our parents will come to you. And I will come with Cemis too".
"I think you are up to something", I say. "I can feel it".
"Me? Nothing. Since he is a Christian, our parents think we should try to make him happy. It will be East Christmas Eve".
"Yes, but where he is, Christmas was celebrated in December. Well, I like the idea. Hope he likes it too".
Then, Abida takes a long puff from her cigarette and comes closer to me.
"Do you like him?"
"I do", I say with a smile.
"Don't you think it is weird for a man to dress like a woman?" she says.
So this is why she is smiling?
"No, I really find nothing against it".
"I just find it unusual".
"Men are so full of hair", I say. "They have ugly nails, they are so filled with perfume that smells like a subway station. I find it more likely this way. His hands and his feet are more acceptable this way. And wearing pantyhose actually makes his feet look more acceptable".
"I don't know, Ana. Well, I am not against him, only that it looks strange to me".
"Abida, this is my life and I do as I want to", I say with a smile, but with strict words.
"As I said, I have nothing against it. I only want to make sure that you like him the way he is".
"Yes, I do. I like him as he is".
"Well, you are a puzzling enigma that I never managed to understand. I think it is better this way", she says.
"I am", I answer. "Life made me be like this".
"I know", she says, taking another puff and looking away, just like thinking of all I've been through.
"What do our parents say about him?" I ask her.
"Well, you should know that they don't agree with his feminine side, but they accept him".
Well, the train is coming and she gets out to the platform. I signal nearby stations and give the signal for the train to go. I know Abida well. She is up to something. I know when she hides something. Cemis is different. She cannot keep a secret for long and is far more expressive. Sure Abida is up to something. She went here last evening and had a private talk with Alia - Atan. I don't know what. He said it was nothing important, but I doubt.
Then, I go back to home and I try to read on my laptop something about transgender people. I read about men wearing women clothes, especially pantyhose. I read about fetishes. As doing so, I look at my feet. Encased with two layers of black opaque tights, my feet are protected from the cold. There are so many articles! There are many guys doing this.
As far as I can see, there are many degrees of transformation for a transgender. Some prefer to remain as they are, only that they wear female underwear, hidden. Majority seem to be heterosexual. I read about a guy that wears 6 pairs of pantyhose. Wow! That is a tough one! I do wear two, even 3 pairs in cold winters, once I tried even 4, but 6? This is insane! Well, if he likes it, may he be happy! I have nothing against it.
A completely different thing is about gay people. Cross-dressing is common among them. At least, this is what I can see. I knew two gay students at the University and I used to talk with them. Since I am a sfenist, so I also belong to a sexual minority, I wanted to understand. As far as I could get, it looks that usually one acts as a male and one as a female. The 'male' penetrates the 'female', while the 'female' usually masturbates. People think gay people have oral or anal sex. It is true, but my friends preferred to do it in another way. One kept his feet close, while the other one moved his 'organ' between the other one's feet. This is the way they usually did it. And of course, mutual masturbation. Well, they seem to enjoy cross-dressing during their love adventures. But cross-dressing is not mandatory linked with homosexuality, as I clearly see now on my laptop.
Well, there are many other things to take into consideration. But still I am just at the beginning. All I want is to make Alia - Atan to be happy. It is becoming the purpose of my life. All I do is for this reason. I study what is to be a transgender, only to help him.
Noon comes and my parents arrive, as in every day. We talk a bit about our trip Beyond The Sea, in the Civilized World. They are amazed of the way I describe that place, the overcrowded minibus service and the attack by Gipsy people. My dad says, fully surprised: "If they were here, their heads would have long been sliced from their bodies". Then, I tell them about his parents, mainly about the way they forced him to return, because I learned him to smoke!
"Is there anything bad in smoking?" asks my dad surprised.
"No", I answer, while lighting a cigarette. "But there is something bad with his parents. And as far as I understand, this is how many parents behave there".
Then, I confess them about the many times I've seen with the eyes of my mind, his parents, kneeled in front of an icon, with an open book in front of them, praying from that book. I hear them crying over and over and over. I even open my laptop, go to his mail address and show the messages from them. They cry and beg him to return. They think I am a witch and use the power of Satan against him. They write endless messages, begging him to return home and leave this sinful place.
"How does he act when he see the messages?" asks my mother.
"He simply cannot read them. He suffers and asks me to delete them", I say.
"His parents love him, Small Wonder", she says, while lighting a cigarette. "But I really don't know what to do".
"How I wish for a solution to all this", I say. He cannot return there and I love him. But his parents will not stop crying until he returns. I feel them! Even now! They have hours in each day, when they prey and cry".
Saying this, I start to cry. "Why do things have to be like this? Is there no other way? Is there nothing I can do? I feel so sorry for them and even at midnight I hear them praying!"
I light a cigarette to temper me down, but it is useless. I open one message and translate it for them:
We went to a monastery up in the mountains and prayed all night for you. We cried all night. An old priest came to us and we told him everything. He started to cry too, looking at our red eyes. He cried with us, when he seen the tears in our eyes. We paid them to pray for you. What evil witchcraft is behind you? What is wrong with you? You are the light of our eyes, the sunrise of our night. Don't let us die alone! Just return and leave that witch behind you! Come back while you still are alive!
My mother drops a tear from an eye.
"This makes my soul a twisted mass of pain", I say to my parents.
"Small Wonder, you know, in past", says my dad, "parents had the right to sell their children. And many sold their children to Beyond The Sands, to buy gunpowder, to defend our homeland. But it was you who told us about a foreign traveler who witnessed this. And you know what he said".
"That it was so much crying, that the mountains almost started to melt", I say.
"Being a parent is more suffering then everything", continues my dad. "
"Those parents have a strong authority", says my mom.
"He is more a sfenist because of his parents, then because of he was raped by a gay", I say. "His parents love him, but they destroyed him too. And they forced him to meet a girl and have sex with her, even if they knew he was a sfenist".
"How sad it can be, there is nothing you can do, Small Wander", says my dad.
We finish smoking and put what remained from our cigarettes in my ashtray.
"Small Wonder! There might be one way", says my mom. "If you write to his parents. At every a few days, write them! Tell them about your daily life! This way, they will know that he is fine. Tell them that he will get citizenship and about your formal marriage. Tell them what you are doing, but not about smoking, about how he dresses like a woman or things like that. Even if they will reject you and will cry first, they will read. They will at least know he is ok. And in time, maybe in a few years, they will accept the situation".
"Thank you!" I answer.
My parents go. I remain in face of the laptop, thinking about what to do. How to write to those people? It takes me hours to think about. I try over and over to write something. I don't know how much time it takes. I smoked four cigarettes, still thinking. Then, I got it! Somehow, I get the idea. I write it and send it immediately, before reading it.
We are fine, in the mountains. It is cold and a bit windy. He suffers too much reading your messages and cannot respond. I make cookies and wait him to return from the mine. We are fine and we are both healthy. My parents will come tomorrow to visit us. Here, will be Christmas soon.
Nicotiana
I immediately close the laptop, light a cigarette and go to the kitchen, to make some cookies. I don't want to lie them. Anyway, it is something that makes me pleasure to do.
The evening train goes up to the mine. Abida goes down from the train, carrying two bags. She gives one bag to the train engineer and goes home with the other bag. She doesn't want me to know what is this about. Well, I simply don't ask. It is her life. I have no idea what she is up to.
Then, the train returns, carrying Alia - Atan and the workers from the mine. He jumps out of the train, carrying the bag Abida gave to the engineer. We go to the house, where I prepared the clothes for him, to become a woman. He enters with me and opens the bag. There are two packages inside.
"I have a surprise for you", he says. "Something I think you will like".
"What does this have to do with Abida?" I asked him.
"Women are better when looking at details", he says. "I asked her to help. This is my present for you, for the Christmas".
"Wow!" I say. "This is how people do where you come from? Bring presents?"
"Yes", he says. "They bring presents to each other and put them at the root of a tree. And to make us both feel happy, I got the same thing for you and for me".
I can see written with a green marker on my package, my name: Nicotiana. I open it and he slowly opens his. Inside, I find a pair of green thigh boots. And he has exactly the same thing.
"This is amazing", I say. "And they are completely green!"
I remember. A few days ago, we were watching a movie on my laptop. There was a woman wearing thigh boots and she used to keep her pistol in one. He asked me if I like them and I said I only wear shoes and booties. I also said that I would like to wear some, but only if they were green. And here I have. Well, I never worn something higher then booties and usually I don't understand why women do wear boots. But, as a gift from him (and even more, a green gift from him), I like it. I like it to madness. They are smooth, soft and laced on the back.
We both change. I am now in a black sweater with a black knee-long skirt and with these green thigh boots. As I look, my feet are hidden completely. The boots end somewhere below the skirt. He has a yellow sweater with a yellow knee-long dress, with green thigh boots. There is no way to see his pantyhose now.
"Now you cannot see my tights", I say, as I light a cigarette.
"Yes, I cannot see, but I know they are out there", he answers.
"I never worn boots in my life", I say again.
"Everything has a first. I am happy if I managed to make you happy".
"You did make me happy", I say, while allowing him to see my pantyhose through the laces on the back.
Well, we stay and watch a movie on my laptop. But we are more watching our boots then the movie. And we keep on smoking, until there is no more air in the room. I know all my things smell as cigarette smoke, but I don't bother. After all, in a few days I will be officially named Nicotiana.
We wait until the night train goes up to the mine. At 3 AM, it will return loaded with coal. We both go to the station. And we both take a green winter coat on top of our clothes. I just cannot stop to admire how we look. How identical! Are we tweens and I don't know? We both have green hair, a green coat and green thigh boots. The rest is invisible to all of us. He still looks at my feet as we both light a cigarette.
"What do you say about our feet now?" I ask him, blowing smoke in him.
"It is like a planet is hidden behind a nebula or a cloud of asteroids", he says.
I take another drag of smoke and listen.
"I know there are two layers of pantyhose, but hidden for everyone to know. It is like there is a planet with its atmosphere, with all what it needs. It might be habitable. It might even have life. But it is hidden. Nobody knows about its existence. No spacecraft ever managed to get that far and will not do".
"Only that there are two sister planets and nobody knows about them", I whisper.
"I always loved to see the hidden layer of pantyhose emerging from boots, when women sit and rise their skirts a bit".
I rise my coat and my skirt a bit, just until my fingers feel the end of the boot. I feel the delicate texture of my tights covering my feet. I rise it a bit more, so that he can see it either.
"I like to move my toes in these boots", I say. "To feel the layers surrounding them".
"While they are so deep hidden", he says, moving his feet gently and looking at them.
We sit on the bench and I gently touch his boot with mine. I feel the touch, but it is a long way to his toes.
"I never worn boots in my life, either", he says. "Now, I do it for you".
"I also do it for you. May you be happy!"
Again, I try to touch his toes.
"There is no way anything will pass through all these layers and the boots", he says.
"Oh yes, there is", I say as I light a cigarette. "This one will get to you beneath your skin".
I fill my lungs with smoke, then I blow it towards him. And then, I take another drag and blow it to his body. He takes a smoke and leans. Then, he blows the smoke over my boots.
The train passes, but I notice something. The engineer looks a bit unusual. Is he drunk? Well, I don't know certainly. If he is, then there will be a big problem. We return to the house and go to sleep. We just go in these clothes. I am used to sleep in day clothes, because of the 3 AM train. Alia also goes to bed in day woman clothes. We go to sleep fast. This is a routine for us now.
At morning, the radio beeps its warning. The train is coming. It is very cold in the room. I wake up, when it beeps again. Oh no! It is the danger message: DRUNK! The train is controlled by a drunk engineer! Oh, this is the worst of worst. Alia - Atan wakes. I whisper:
"We have a bad situation, the engineer is drunk!"
"Oh no! What should we do?" he asks.
"Let's see how bad it is", I say.
We turn up the light. I light a cigarette, looking for my boots. He also takes his and lights a cigarette. He then takes my boots and blows smoke in them.
"Why did you do that?" I ask him.
"Don't know. Just I felt this will make you happy".
I take a deep inhale and blow smoke into his boots. We put them on.
"Let's go", I say as we go to the station.
It is very cold. Probably it is below -30 C. I find hard to breath. I enter the building and turn the light on. We fast check the switches. Ok, it all looks well. In the cold silence, we hear the train. It should appear soon and stop here, as always. I can see the lights. But it is not stopping! It is driving with 20 km/h and not stopping. Oh no!
The train appears and makes no attempt to stop. We both make desperate signs with our hands. Finally, when almost passed away from the station, it stops. Like always, it also carries a passenger wagon, at the tail.
"I'll go to the engineer, to see what is going on", says Alia.
"Ok! Scream to me if it's ok".
I enter the station and radio-contact upstream and downstream stations. Those upstream now can breath happily that all is ok. For downstream, worse is to come. Will it collide with the morning passenger train? Will it pass through a station and break something? It happened many times.
"It's Sword!" screams Alia - Atan. "He is drunk!"
He reached the engine.
"Let the train go!" I scream as loud as I can.
But no! The train goes in reverse! What is going on? The train is in reverse! And it comes back to where I stand. Alia is walking and keeps an eye on the engine, telling the engineer to go downstream. What is going on? I hear him shouting. It all continues until the engine is near me. I can see. It's Sword! He is a Muslim. Well, Muslims usually don't drink, but when they do, they drink as much as 10 non-Muslims. What a nightmare!
"Ana, you forgot your shadow!" he says with the voice of an alcoholic.
"Get going, Sword! You're late!" I scream to him.
"Which one is the shadow?" he asks, looking at both of us.
"There is no shadow", says Alia.
Oh mine, he is drunk! I bet he cannot walk. What do we do now?
"Ana, you are pretty", he says, "but do you have some.. you know..."
"Get the train going, infidel!" shouts Alia at him.
"I just need a... you know what", he says again. "Only a... once you pretty..."
He opens the door and wants to get out of the train. somehow he manages to move. But when he is out, he instantly falls on the ice.
"Too drunk to walk!" says Alia to me.
"What do we do?" I ask him.
Alia takes his cigarette and touches Sword's hand with the fire. Sword only moves a bit his hand, not making any noise. In this time, two men come from the back wagon. But they also look drunk! Well, at least they can walk.
"Get him back in the engine", says Alia.
They look so shocked at Alia.
"Do as he says", I scream to them.
"Him?" they ask. "Ana, you mean this is... Atan?"
"Yes, idiots! What do you think?" I scream to them.
"Hurry!" says Alia. "We are late".
We manage to get Sword back inside the engine. Alia tells the two men to stay with Sword and watch him, keep him awake somehow. The train starts moving again. But this time, it is too fast. Oh no! The missing bridge! But now there is nothing I can do. There was once a bridge, that collapsed. The miners replaced it with two tree trunks and laid the sleepers and the rails above them. As for now, it resisted, but we have a speed restriction of 5 km/h there. The train is running with 20!
I go to the radio and signal the downstream station, repeating 3 times the emergency message: DRUNK! I also inform the upstream station that the line is clear.
The train is about 20 minutes late. We stay at the station and light another cigarette. It is like our lungs beat as one, as the smoke unites us. We tend to move our hands and breath in the same way. We wait. Usually, it takes about 10 minutes for a train to pass between stations, but this time it takes far longer. Did the bridge collapse? Finally, in 20 minutes I hear the radio signal.
Well, we go to bed. But it doesn't last long. The morning train, that goes to the mine, is coming. Alia - Atan is free today, but oh no! The radio beeps again the dangerous word: DRUNK. We go back to the railway station. The train arrives too early, with 5 minutes ahead of schedule. Some people run to catch it. The engineer is drunk too. He doesn't wait for my signal and starts going upstream. People that lost the train, now shout to the drunk engineer:
"I won't get paid for today! I'll kill you!"
Even one of them comes to me and says:
"Ana, tell that infidel to turn the train back and pick me to work!"
Well, the train doesn't return. And the people that came here go back home. There is no other way to reach the mine. They look so shocked at Alia and at me!
"What's going on?" asks one.
"Nothing", says Alia - Atan. "I am free today and I came to help Nicotiana".
"I think this guy is possessed by her shadow", mumbles someone.
"I think both should be killed", mumbles another one.
They make so open eyes! Well, for Alia, the movements were so natural, it is like he loves to behave as a woman. Well, we light another cigarette, as we go home.
As the train returns from the mine, the same engineer is in charge. Only that this time he is even more drunk. He even has a bottle in one hand! As I see this, I remember Alia - Atan's parents and how they associate me with Satan. Well, what that infidel has right now in his hand, that is Satan's blood. Alcohol. The father of all sins.
"I just hope people from the stations are not drunk too", I say with a big smile. "If not, we will be on the news... again, like last year!"
"All this is insane!" says Alia to me, as the train departs.
"No, it is not insane", I say. "This is what happens every year at this particular day. And you know what day is now?"
"I don't know, Nicotiana. But it all looks so strange to me".
"It is now", I say with a big smile. "Happy Christmas, Alia! The hardest day to work on the railway".
