My ID Crisis

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tenne238

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Before having any pet(petを飼う前に...）

Japanese living as a foreigner

「HAPPY」by Bump of Chicken

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2005.04.19

私の国籍や外見は日本人。日本に生まれ、高校と大学の教育は日本で受けました。でも、転勤族だった為、一番人格や感受性が形成されやすい大事な小学校と中学校の教育の時期をアメリカで過ごしました。だから、私の中にはアメリカ人的思考を持つもう一人の自分がいます。私は１０代の頃、この日本育ちの日本人でもなく、アメリカ人にも完全になりきれない日本人のIDの狭間でよく苦悩しました。「私はいったい何人なのか？？」と。私が育った特殊な環境を何も知らない人はよく私に「英語ができていいわね。英語ができると進学や就職にも有利だものね。」と言う。言われるたびに思う。「どうしてアメリカに住んでいたというだけで当たり前のように英語ができると決め付けるのか？？どうして日本人というだけで日本語ができるのも当たり前なのか？？どうして私はなんの苦労もせずに毎回両方の言語ができて当たり前だと思われるのか？？」一時は誰も自分のことは心から理解してくれないと思っていました。これはきっと帰国子女ならば、誰もが一度は自分自身と直面する問題だと思います。だから帰国子女は外国育ちの割には案外古風なところがあるのかもしれませんね。きっとそれは自分で日本人的な古風な一面出して無意識のうちに日本人としてのIDをカバーしようとするからなのかもしれません。ある時、補修校時代からの親友が言いました。「日本では私達のような人種はとても生きにくい。」それを聞いた時に初めて同じIDに関する苦悩を持ってるということがわかり、気持ちが少しは楽になりました。今では少し大人になり、自分のIDを逆手に取るということを身につけ、１０代の頃程は悩まなくなりました。でも、相変わらずアメリカ在住時代の仲間が集まると、決まって誰かが「うちらは生きにくい人種よね」とぼやいていますけどね（苦笑）

My nationality and my looks are Japanese. I was born in Japan and finished my highschool and college education in Japan. But since my dad was always transferring due to his job, I finished my grammar school and junior highschool education( the most important years of a child's life because one's personalities and feelings develop alot during these years.) in US. So there is another me who has an American way of thinking.During my teenage years, I often had an ID crisis between Japanese who can't behave or think like Japanese who grew up all one's life in Japan and Japanese who can never be an American. I often asked myself, "Who am I? What nationality am I?". People who don't understand my particular background always says to me, "You're so lucky that you can speak English well. You don't have to worry about enrolling into schools nor getting jobs." When someone says this, I always say to myself, "Why does everyone think I can speak English well, just because I had been living in the US?? Why does everyone think I can speak Japanese because my nationality is Japanese?? Why does everyone thinks I can speak both languages without any hardships??" And I thought noone understood me. I think this ID crisis is something all of us(kids who had been living overseas because of dad's transfer) go through every now and then. Many kids who had been living overseas have very Japanese old style of point of view. Maybe it's to cover the ID crisis of the Japanese inside myself. Anyways, one day, my best friend since Saturday Japanese school said to me, "We are the kind who have a hard time living in Japan." When I heard her say this, I realized that I wasn't the only one with an ID crisis and I was also very relieved at the same time. Now that I'm all grown up, I know how to use my ID as one of my status and I don't have as much crisis ID as I had during my teenage years. But when my friends from Saturday Japanese school years get together every once in a while, someone always comes up with a story of an ID crisis in Japan.

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