A Major League Rivalry

A look at the first meeting between the Bronx Bombers and Red Sox Nation with Rick Vaughn, Lou Brown, Roger Dorn, and the rest of the Cleveland Indians

The other day, I was flipping through the channels and on TBS, I found the censored and edited version of Major League. Now, I know most people cite Bull Durham and Field of Dreams as the seminal baseball movies of recent memory, but there is just something about Major League that charges me up for the baseball season. Surprisingly, despite the old uniforms, the old ballparks, and the ridiculous earrings of Rick Vaughn, the movie still does not seem dated. The humor, carried mostly by a phenomenal Bob Uecker nailing the role of a jaded broadcaster (it is almost like he played that role in real life) and James Gammon deadpanning the role of manager Lou Brown, still seems fresh and contains enough baseball slang and emotion to authenticate the movie. The cast rounds out with the Substitute (Tom Berenger), Blade (Wesley Snipes), President Palmer (Dennis Haysbert), Topper Harley (Charlie Sheen), and of course the incomparable Corbin Bernsen. Also, Charlie Sheen at no point throws like a girl (I’m looking at you, Tim Robbins).

Beyond the pomp and circumstance of opening week: teams trotting out ex-stars; celebrities singing national anthems and throwing out first pitches; and Karl Ravech, John Kruk, Jon Miller, Joe Morgan, and the rest showing up on ESPN consistently, the moment that Major League appears on TNT or TBS, I know that baseball season is here. That notion always becomes solidified when the Yankees and Red Sox meet for the first time in a season. I know it is April. I know that the two teams will meet a total of 158 times this season (give or take). Nevertheless, every one of these games carries some level of importance. For whatever reason: the history, the curse, the annoying Boston accents, the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry takes everything about a baseball game to an eleven. (This rivalry is so deep-seeded that people react without thinking. Just watch, later this month, I will chaperone my seventh grade class on a trip from Westchester, NY to Boston. I will, of course, wear my Yankees hat. Despite the fact that I will clearly be a teacher in charge of a large number of impressionable children, I guarantee I will be ridiculed and taunted as I walk down the street. Last year, someone dressed as an American colonist, wearing a tri-corner hat, said to me, “Nice hat.” Needless to say, it made a lasting impression.)

But I digress. Without further ado, following in the steps of Bill Simmons and DJ Danger Mouse, I am going to use two completely unique events to describe each other, using some of the most memorable quotations from Major League to introduce some key players and situations to this weekend’s series. (Special thanks to IMdb.com for helping me get the quotes right).

Charlie Donovan : How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou Brown : Gee, I don’t know…
Charlie Donovan : What do you mean, you don’t know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou Brown : Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

This one clearly goes to Joe Girardi, who in one single phone call accepted both his dream and nightmare job. For eleven years, I watched Joe Torre at the helm of the Yankees. I watched as he coolly and consistently triumphed in the Nineties, relying on National League tactics, Mariano Rivera, and a mentality designed to avoid waiting for a “star” to hit a three-run homer. Over the past five years, Steinbrenner seemed to get to Torre. His pitching staff growing older and more overpriced by the minute (Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano anyone?), Joe became incredibly passive. Where he once benched players like Boggs and Tino Martinez, he was now trotting out a non-juiced, mediocre-at-best Jason Giambi on a daily basis. Every time he left the dugout to remove another ten million dollar forty year old after the second inning, the act seemed a little more painful. Now, it’s Girardi’s turn. So far, he seems to have done everything right and said all the right things (the handling of Ian Kennedy in
Kansas City aside), but now he will experience his firstBoston series as a manager. This type of series is a touchstone for
New York fans. Handle it well, and he’ll breeze through to the next crisis. Make a mistake, and he might be under scrutiny for the rest of his tenure.

Charlie Donovan : Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead.

For Latroy Hawkins. Despite the numbers, this guy’s career should have been over years ago. No one was happier than Red Sox fans must have been when they heard that the Yankees had signed long ball LaTroy to a one year $3.75 million dollar contract. He comes into this series having given up seven runs in four innings and sporting a 15.75 ERA. Awesome.

Too high? What does that mean ‘too high?’

Sticking with the Yankees’ overpriced relievers, we go to Kyle Farnsworth. If there was a stat for turning close games into blowouts by giving up a homerun, Farnsworth would be worth every bit of $17 million dollars the Yankees are paying him for three years. Trust me; if the Yankees really want Manny Ramirez to hit one over the Monster, Farnsworth will be in the game.

I feel like a banker in this.

This is spoken by Rick Vaughn, as he sits in a restaurant wearing a sleeveless leather vest, a black mesh tank top, and a tie around his bare neck. How does this one not go to Manny Ramirez? Despite the fact that by diving to cut off throws from the centerfielder and trying to sell grills on eBay, he has created and lives his own anachronism at this point, “Manny being Manny” still point means being one of the most impressive right-handed hitters of our generation. Watch for fireworks, he loves killing the Yankees, Wang especially. In 22 AB against Chien Ming-Wang, Ramirez has a .591 average with two homeruns.

Crisco? Bardol? Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I’ll rub a little jalapeño up my nose, get it runnin’, and if I need to load the ball up I just… wipe my nose…I haven’t got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

This telling quotation from Eddie Harris goes to Mike Mussina, Andy Pettitte, and Tim Wakefield. These three guys are clearly hitting the end of the career. As a fan, you know that every time they hit the mound, they are going to battle both the batters and their past notions of themselves. You have reconciled to the fact that if they give you 10-12 wins, you’ll be in good shape. But, you still remember the pitchers they were. You know they are going to come out and compete until someone takes the ball from them. All three are coming off strong outings that had to encourage both their managers and the fans.
Wakefield: 5 IP, 3 H, 1 ER and the win.
Pettitte: 6.2 IP, 5 H, 1 ER and the win.
Mussina: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 3 K, and the win.
If these guys stay healthy and keep pitching like that, the American League East is going to be an absolute dogfight.

I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m s— now, but someday you’re gonna be sorry you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your f—in’ a–!

I know he’s hurt, and I know this has been talked about a lot in the off season, but did you see Mike Lowell coming last year? The Marlins demanded that in return for them giving up Josh Becket, the Red Sox take this “washed up” third basemen, who takes a calendar year to get around the bases, off their hands. For two years inBoston, he has a .304 average, 41 HR, 200 RBI, and is slugging .488. Major League Baseball in Florida, everybody!

Harry Doyle : Monty, anything to add?
Colorman : Ummm… no.
Harry Doyle : He’s not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!

This one goes to anyone forced to sit in the YES booth with Michael Kay. Kay’s entire announcing game is shtick and namedropping. However, he very rarely defers to the ex-baseball player next to him for any inside knowledge or talks of strategy. As a result, you end up with guys like Paul O’Neill competing with Kay for air time, and because they are not journalism or communications guys, they follow his lead. So instead of hearing David Cone’s insight on how a pitcher’s game is unfolding, we hear a story of how Mariano Rivera was skipping down the hallway before a game…Enlightening stuff. The funny thing is that Kay hosts an intelligent and engaging show on ESPN radio inNew York. I’m tempted to record his radio show one day and then play it during the commercials of a YES broadcast just to compare the two. It could be an interesting investigation into the world of sports-talk radio versus TV broadcasting…or my head could explode.

I only got one thing to say to you Vaughn…Strike this mother f—er out!

This goes to the phenomenal duo of Joba Chamberlain and Jonathan Papelbon. Are there any two more electric pitchers in the game right now? As a Yankees fan, I find myself staying up that one extra inning to see if Joba is going to enter a game. I’m sure Sox fans do so with Papelbon. Their stuff is so good, and they are so intense, a simple one-two-three inning becomes the height of sports drama. To top everything else off, they have virtually identical stories: groomed to be top of the rotation starters, they have been transferred to anchor and stabilize questionable bullpens. While the general managers might want to move them to starting roles eventually, they know they can’t because it would inexorably hurt their chances to win games.

All year long, Jobu, I go to you. I stick up for you. But you no help me now, I say f—k you, Jobu, I do it myself!

This is simply the best monologue in the movie. Honestly, I can’t give this category to anyone until the season ends. To borrow from a cliché, every one of these Yankees-Sox games has an extra level of excitement. Almost every game has a hero, and every one has a goat. They know each other so well that no ninth inning lead is safe, and there is a premium on every strike. Whether it was Trot Nixon and David Ortiz, or Derek Jeter and Tino Martinez then; or it is Ellsbury and Youkilis, or Cano and Cabrera now, the Cerrano of these next three games has yet to be decided. And that’s what makes these series so fun. I know people will roll their eyes and yawn at yet another piece about these two high profile teams, but these games carry weight. Bucky Dent will never have to buy a dinner in New York again. Neither will Aaron Boone. And that’s why we watch: to figure out to whom we will raise our next glass.