The State of the Groin Kicks

The Fantasy Press Secretary of the Fantasy Flying Groin Kicks delivers the state of the Groin Kicks to the many fantasy members of Groin Kick Universe. 

OK, thank you.  Thanks for coming.  It is you, our loyal fantasy press corps, that has allowed us to become the successful imaginary organization we are today.  Now, I know that you have many questions about the direction our current fantasy season is going, but I and my fantasy public relations office have decided to keep this meeting short and to the point.  As such, I will make a brief statement, and we will take no questions.  Now, now, settle down, all the players and coaches will be available after today’s game.  Unfortunately our administrative team has spent the last few days drowning their sorrows in barbeques, wine, and Maker’s Mark; so they are unavailable for comment.  What?  I wasn’t supposed to talk about their benders?  It paints a bad picture of the team?  Stick to the statement?  Right.  Sorry.  Well then…

As many of the make-believe fans of the Groin Kicks know, after consistently competing for league titles the past few years, we have fallen on hard times.  Currently, we occupy seventh place and have seen no real improvements in our standing for sometime.  Moreover, after a long and fruitful partnership with our imaginary training staff, we have decided to part ways.  Just some of the players the Groin Kicks have lost to the fantasy disabled list are as follows: Chad Cordero, Clint Barmes, Moises Alou, Chone Figgins, Matt Holliday, Howie Kendrick, Carlos Guillen, and the list goes on.  Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Every season, the Groin Kicks pride themselves on putting a strong and exciting product on the fantasy field and filling those fantasy seats.  Unfortunately, due to injuries and some holes in our Minor League fantasy operations, this season we have not been able to do so.

This early season is not totally devoid of positive fantasy moments.  Brian McCann continues his hot hitting at a pace of .303 with 12 HR and 37 RBI.  Carlos Quentin continues to hit homeruns—he’s up to sixteen now.  Jay Bruce has exploded onto the scene, hitting .457 with two HR and eleven RBI in 46 at bats.  Cliff Lee has been mostly unhittable, except for his last two starts.  Finally, Scott Rolen and Conor Jackson have filled in admirably at the corner infield positions.  Make no mistake, our imaginary future is strong, even if it is pretend.

However, for every positive moment, we have experienced a negative one.  Our pitching staff—Harang, Shields, Jered Weaver, Lee, and Duchsherer—has been inconsistent at best.  In an effort to amend these issues, we are exploring our options in regards to our fantasy pitching coach.  Furthermore, we are more than a quarter of the way through the season, and Victor Martinez, a player who we were relying on for power numbers, has yet to hit a homerun.  Confidentially, we are looking for a fantasy steroid and HGH connection.  So, if anyone knows a good one, please leave a message—preferably anonymously, for your sake—with our fantasy human resources office.

I will finish with a message to all our Groin Kick fans.  Know that we have not given up on this fantasy season.  There is a long way to go, and a lot of points are still up for grabs.  We, in the make-believe front office, will continue to do our best to put an exciting and competitive product on the imaginary field.  Thank you all for your continued support.  As always, if you have any questions I will make my weekly appearance on the fantasy Mike and the imaginary Mad Dog show on Thursday.  I look forward to your calls.  Thank you, and have a great pretend day.