Real Baseball Fans

Yes, even though the game of baseball seems to be a shell of what it once was, many of us continue to be avid fans. Just WHAT constitutes a REAL fan? Well, you absolutely know you’re a TRUE baseball fan if:

*you use pine tar to seal envelopes
*you’re female and use burnt cork/eye black instead of mascara
*you’re a male on a first date and the gal asks if you expect to “score” that night. You respond, “Only if we get timely hitting, steal some bases, and effectively move up base runners”
*you enjoy viewing/examining daily box scores more than skimming through the latest edition of Penthouse
*you refer to any person living in a downstairs apartment as a “cellar dweller”
*you signal to an imaginary bullpen when your wife tells you to take the garbage out
*you CRINGE whenever you hear the sound of a ball hit off an aluminum bat
*you remember when the Pirates’ Richie Hebner used to dig graves in the off-season
*the smell of popcorn, peanuts, and hot dogs gets you more excited than the 2010 Hooters calendar
*when your bathroom is being used, you have an on-deck circle outside the door for the next person to wait in
*you prefer sitting in the bleachers rather than occupying any “suit” seat at Yankee Stadium
*you have the National Anthem played before every meal
*you stop eating, get up and stretch, and proceed to sing “God Bless America” 3/4 of the way through dinner
*when your wife serves you a “can of corn,” you immediately think of an easy catch by a defensive player
*when that same wife asks you to “clean up,” you think of the fourth player in a team’s batting order
*the majority of the beer you’ve imbibed during your lifetime had names like Ballantine, Rheingold, or Schaefer
*you kick dirt on your spouse’s shoes during an argument
*you order NOTHING but the Grand Slam breakfast when dining at Denny’s
*you try to grow ivy on any stone wall in your yard
*your doorbell plays “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”
*you’re familiar with terms like “fungo,” “dinger,” “chin music,” and “gopher”
*you refer to a provocative pose by your spouse as “scoring position”
*you refer to your local “fireman” as Sutter, Rivera, or Gossage
*you plan on watching EVERY pitch of the Pirates/Marlins game on October 3rd–even though you also subscribe to the Playboy Channel
*you’ve worn stirrup socks and sliding pads under a three-piece suit
*you spit sunflower shells all over your living room carpet
*there’s a turnstile at the entrance of your home
*you have a spittoon–filled with OLD tobacco juice–somewhere in your dwelling
*you use a resin bag to improve your grip on utensils before eating
*you’ve been to AT LEAST a half-dozen minor league games this summer
*you have the urge to put a tarpaulin over your lawn every time it rains
*when someone mentions the surname of “Smith,” you immediately think of Ozzie, Lee, or Reggie–NOT Jaclyn
*you wear your funeral outfit the day after the final game of the World Series
*you’ve read the books “Ball Four” and “Joe, You Coulda Made Us Proud” more than once–and plan on reading both of them AGAIN
*you put on shin guards and a catcher’s mask shortly after you and your spouse begin arguing
*there’s a white line–made with crushed limestone–extending from your front door to your mailbox
*you own various major league baseball caps–complete with white sweat marks on them–but you REFUSE to wash them
*you do nothing but SMILE when someone asks you the manner in which guys like Bob Gibson, Pete Rose, and George Brett played/approached the game
*you enjoy watching the Phillie Phanatic perform more than Billy Crystal or Robin Williams
*you use a pair of catcher’s mitts instead of oven mitts while baking
*you’re well-familiar with names like Ted Giannoulas, “Wild” Bill Hagy, and Karl Ehrhardt–and finally:
*you realize that money has ruined the game, but you continue to follow it simply because it’s BASEBALL

Bob Lazzari is an award-winning sports columnist for both Connecticut’s Valley Times and NY Sports Day , where his “Sports Roundup” column is featured weekly. He is a member of the Connecticut Sports Writers’ Alliance and host of “ Monday Night Sports Talk ,” a cable television show on CTV/Channel 14 in Connecticut.