"Treasures of the Aquarians" by Richard Davis and Jeff Stone A startling and important archaeological discovery was recently made in the area of our planet once known as California, when a cache of artifacts dating from the 1960s was unearthed, relatively intact, during the building of the transglobal tunnel. The best scholars from a score of disciplines -- including archaeology, history, languages and anthropology -- have studied and interpreted these artifacts and have mounted an exhibition that will open at the Metroplex Museum of Art next year. Never has so great a body of information been available about a time and culture of which we have previously known so little. The artifacts were uncovered by a construction crew in the ruins of a postindustrial town known as Berkeley ("zip code" coordinate 94704). The primary dig site comprised an area approximately 105 yards long by 44 yards wide. Additional objects were discovered as much as one quarter of a mile away, in an area believed to have been the location of the University of California at Berkeley. Unfortunately, practically nothing of the great institution remains, but its grandeur is legendary. The campus alone was the size of a small city, with its classrooms, laboratories, stadia and great public squares, all of which played an essential role on the dramatic events of the time. Berkeley was the crossroads of cataclysmic but only dimly understood social, political and cultural changes that rocked the civilization of the Western Hemisphere to its very foundations. Home to thousands of "street people," Berkeley was the magnet city of its time. Consequently, the artifacts of the late 1960s and early 1970s discovered there are unmatched in richness and variety and as a source for our understanding of that distant time. Little is known of the societies that neighbored the Berkeley civilization. Evidently, a people called the Amerikans, whose values were in may ways antithetical to those of the Berkeleyites, shared the midsection of the North Amerikan continent with them. The boundaries between the two groups apparently were not clearly defined, resulting in numerous border skirmishes and several major battles. The Berkeley artifacts were not without hazards, particularly the ones later determined to be primitive drugs and explosive weapons. Yet many of the researchers developed a genuine fondness and respect for the Berkeleyites, whom they refer to as "Aquarians." The name is derived from a song recorded on a grooved plastic disk discovered at the dig site. (Several such objects were found and were eventually identified by specialists as "phonograph records.") A favorite of the dig personnel, this song heralded the beginning of the "Age of Aquarius." I invite you to journey with us now many thousands of years back into the deep recesses of time. It is my hope that you too will come to think of the Aquarians in more familiar terms, perhaps as rather peculiar but valued friends. It is all too easy, in our age of wide-ranging space exploration and colonization, to focus on their idiosyncrasies, and so lose sight of the common humanity they so clearly share with ourselves. - THOMAS HEAVING DIGGERHALTER Curator, North Amerikan Antiquities Metroplex Museum of Art April, 7069 A.D. ***** Item P2 WHAM-O PLATE Plastic Dimensions: Diameter 9" Mint Condition Like the great plate makers of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, the Aquarians excelled in the art of creating fine dinnerware. Working in "plastic," the medium of the time, the Aquarians created a strong yet highly decorative plate. The underside of the plate is grooved, bears a laurel leaf design and the plate-maker's mark, "WHAM-O." The plate also contains information on place of origin (San Gabriel, California), an identification number (3,359,678) and a motto that must have appealed to the free-spirited Aquarians: "PLAY CATCH - INVENT GAMES." Scientists have marveled at the uncanny resemblance the plate bears to our current X-25 space transport. ***** Items 143, 144 MACRAME Hemp rope, wood Dimensions: 1' x 3'; 2" x 3" Macrame was apparently one of the most flourishing of the abundant Aquarian handicraft industries. The most common of all the macrame objects discovered were hanging holders. Specialists are not quite certain what they were intended to hold -- perhaps Wham-O plates or other kitchen vessels. The knots and beads that decorated holders may have enabled them to serve as primitive counting devices as well, perhaps keeping track of food supply levels. In any case, the Aquarians must have been adept at ducking, dodging movements, for the holders undoubtedly created something of a hanging obstacle course. Macrame products were made largely from vegetable fibers indigenous to the Berkeley area, especially the highly venerated hemp plant. Anthropologists believe the Aquarians may have combined ritual-drug ceremonies with spring festivals of renewal by burning old macrame objects and inhaling the smoke. ***** Item OP40 WALL DECORATION Paper, fluorescent paint Dimensions: 2' x 3' CAUTION: Viewing for long periods can cause disorientation Many wall decorations (a.k.a. "POSTERS") were found in Aquarian dwellings. Produced by unknown artists, they were generally cheap reproductions of now-lost masterpieces. The unique shapes and designs were intended to totally engage the eye and the consciousness of the viewer. ***** Item MOD67 MINIMAL SKIRT 65% Cotton; 35% Polyester Dimensions: Tiny Inscription: "Machine Washable" Due to its abbreviated nature, this article of clothing is thought to have been worn by female children in the Aquarian community. Various examples were found throughout the dig site, leading some researchers to believe that the MINIMAL SKIRT was a fundamental element of the Aquarian female child's wardrobe. These garments were made from many materials, including the ubiquitous Aquarian "Blue Gene" fabric, and a petroleum-based polymer known as "plastic." It is interesting that a noted celluloid entertainment of the Aquarians makes many references to a "plastics industry" as a source of financial opportunity. Many young Aquarians, it is assumed, worked in this industry. ***** Item 501 GARMENT WITH FLARED LEGS Cloth, dye, metal Dimensions: 32, 33L These unusual trousers are an excellent example of the Aquarian desire for form to follow function. The pant legs were sewn so that the lower portion of the garment flared, allowing a great deal of freedom for the calf and foot. Examples have been found where the original flare was extended by ripping open the seams and sewing in an additional piece of cloth (usually brightly colored) to produce even greater flare, and a startling visual effect as well. The flare at the bottom of the pants resembles a bell shape and researchers have jokingly referred to them as "BELL-BOTTOM" trousers. The name affixed to most examples of these pants -- usually on an orange-colored tab -- was "Levi." This tab -- in red as well as orange -- was also attached to many other pieces of clothing found at the dig site. It is assumed Levi was the tradesman from nearby San Francisco who provided the Aquarians with much of their clothing. ***** Item M16 ARMED FORCES UNIFORM Heavyweight cotton, insignia Dimensions: One size fits all Inscriptions: "Gilbert, US Army" The large number of uniforms found at the dig site led historians to conclude that the Aquarian standing army was a sizable one. Evidently, the Aquarian armed forces were extremely poorly equipped, since very few examples of military hardware were uncovered near the dig site. The basic uniform jacket was either green or blue, depending on the branch of service. Patches that at one time must have signaled rank had been removed. (Did a mass demotion take place?) The uniform pants were worn loosely fitting and tucked into rugged black boots. Not much is known about any engagements that the armed forces might have fought, but fragments from songs and literature led researchers to believe that a small battle took place in what was known as "OHIO," leaving four Aquarians dead. Apparently, the Aquarians were perplexed as to the reason for some of these actions, their battle song being "1-2-3 what are we fighting for?" The leader of the Aquarian armed forces is thought to have been one COMMANDER CODY. ***** Item 10EEE SANDALS Leather, rubber, metal buckles Dimensions: 4" x 12" Inscription: >>>>> These were the everyday footwear of the Aquarians, a testament to the health of a thriving leather industry. There were many different styles. One of the most common was secured to the foot by means of an ankle strap and was known as the "Roman" sandal. According to the lyric of a strangely atypical Aquarian song, these were not worn in Muskogee. Muskogee is a settlement about which little else is known, except that it was a place where even "squares" could have a good time. Perhaps Muskogee was merely a mystical land where strange transformations of time, space and geometry took place; a place where reality was viewed entirely differently from the way the Aquarians saw it. The soles of most sandals were made of leather, but the soles of "buffalo" sandals, one of the chief imports of trade with India, were often made with a rubber tire tread. This evidently was a feature preferred by members of the Cult of the Dead Heads, enamored as they were of their concept of "truckin'." ***** Items OP948, OP99 LIGHT SHOW SPECIMEN SLIDES, LAVA LAMP Glass, dyes, goop Dimensions: 7" x 12"; 1 1/2" x 3" These specimen slides have become one of the great mysteries unearthed at the dig site. A thorough analysis has been unable to detect any medical or scientific reason for the preparation of the slides. During one test, light was projected through them. Then slides were moved, whereupon bizarre, ever-changing shapes in bright hues were cast upon the walls. Many researchers have commented that watching the shapes causes disorientation and that continued exposure induces a hypnotic state, not wholly unpleasant. One theory is that the slides were used in the development of a device known as a "LAVA LAMP," since there is some similarity between the lighting effects of the slides and the lamp. Investigation continues on solving the riddle of these devices. ***** Item 31 RITUAL DRUG ROULETTE CASE Plastic, trace elements Dimensions: 3" x 4" Inscription: "Dial-A-Pack" This ingenious molded plastic "one-per-day" container held a supply of ritual drugs. Interestingly, the number of chambers corresponds to the days of the month in the primeval Aquarian Lunar Calendar. One chamber contained a peyote seed whose hallucinogenic properties were first discovered accidently by agricultural specialists. Another bore traces of a crude derivative of the common grain mold ergot. When ingested the substance induced a fantastic mental "journey" during which our volunteers claimed to be able to "taste" colors and "see" music. Still another compartment held a powdered extract of the cocoa plant. The white dust produces a numbness of the gums when taken orally. Yet when a researcher inhaled it through the nose, he became very active, talkative and amorous. Pharmacologists were perplexed, however, to discover several substances within the case whose effect was unclear. These included baked powdered-banana peel; salicylic acid ("aspirin"); and a tablet composed mainly of human female hormones, which induced heart attacks, strokes and other vascular disorders in laboratory animals. ***** Item 65 STEAM ENGINE Glass, rubber, water Scale: 1:1000 Inscription: "Bong-zai" This was apparently a scale model for a giant engine that would have captured heat from deep inside the Earth and used it to generate electricity. A long tube would be inserted into one of the many faults in the Berkeley area. The heat rising through the tube would convert the water in the engine's central chamber into steam. The steam would be released through another tube and used to drive a turbine that would generate electricity. Evidently, large-scale testing of the device was conducted using heat produced by burning hemp. This made excellent sense, considering the plant's widespread availability. ***** Items T1, T2, T3 T-SHAPED GARMENT 100% cotton, dyes Dimensions: Small, Medium, Large, X-Large Inscription: "Colors may run when washed" It is believed that the many colors, designs and slogans that decorated those unisex garments were indicative of social status and work roles within the Aquarian community. For example, the plain, pocketed "T-SHIRT" (especially the darker colors) was most likely the customary garb of low-level Aquarian workers, such as cooks, pottery kiln operators or field hands. Some garments bore commercial or political slogans and were probably worn by individuals employed specifically to let others know "what was going down." Slogans affixed to the garments included "MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR"; "WAR IS NOT HEALTHY FOR CHILDREN AND OTHER LIVING THINGS"; "TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE"; "GIVE A DAMN"; "FREAK FREELY"; "QUESTION AUTHORITY"; "LSD DID THIS TO ME"; and "DICK NIXON BEFORE HE DICKS YOU." The most elaborate of the garments, often featuring dye coloring, were undoubtedly favored by Aquarian dignitaries, such as cult leaders, festival promoters and leading ritual-drug merchants. Combined with Aquarian jewelry -- crude colorful beads or glowing turquoise stones set in hand-worked silver rings, bracelets and earrings -- these garments must have produced an effect of great splendor. ***** Item 69 LOVE BEADS Leather, ceramic beads Dimensions: Expandable If an Aquarian could own just one piece of jewelry, it would almost certainly be LOVE BEADS. Love Beads could be made from practically any durable material, from plastic to paper-mache to macaroni, and were generally brilliantly colored. A strand might hold anywhere from a single bead to dozens, leading anthropologists to conclude that Love Beads were not purely decorative in function. It is now believed that they also offer important clues to sexual behavior, with the number of beads corresponding to the number of an Aquarian's lovers. It is significant that the strands were simply strung and easily expandable. The color and design of the beads are thought to have been carefully coded to indicate how good a lover had been. Two of the most popular materials for stringing beads were cotton string and leather cord. It is not known whether there was any significance in the choice of material, although perhaps it had something to do with the sexual preferences of the wearer. ***** Reconstruction 11 THE AQUARIAN NAVY Metal, paint Scale: 1:50 Artist: Peter Maximum The existence of the Aquarian navy is documented in many famous songs -- "Yellow Submarine" and "Wooden Ships," to name just two. However, the navy's sailing routes and strategic value, if any, are difficult to ascertain. What is known is that the Aquarians established sea trade with several other Earth cultures. Perhaps wooden ships and the sophisticated PETER MAXIMUM-designed yellow submarine were the chief vessels of trade. Like the famous ocean-going ships NINA, PINTA and SANTA MARIA -- whose captain is thought to have discovered the continent eventually inhabited by the Aquarians -- the SLOOP JOHN B. ventured to the exotic Carob Ocean on a mission of exploration and trade. During this voyage, the crew was beset with many trials and tribulations, which caused them to lament for their homeland. ***** Items 17, 18, 19 "ROACH" CLIPS Various metals, beads Dimensions: Easily concealed An early interpretation of these small metallic devices supposed that during the great cockroach epidemics of the twentieth century, in which billions of the insects infected the cities of North Amerika, the clips were somehow used to pin the creatures down in order to exterminate them. However, this interpretation has since fallen into discredit. A more plausible hypothesis is that the Aquarians used the clips to fasten a live "roach" (or facsimile) to a piece of clothing to signify that the wearer was in spiritual harmony with the cosmos. The Aquarians, like other ancient human cultures, particularly the Egyptians, believed the cockroach to be a sacred beast that had found favor with the gods and would be granted immortality. ***** Item 139 THE WHOLE EARTH CATALOG Recycled paper, vegetable-based ink, biodegradable glue Dimensions: 11" x 14 1/2" x 1 1/2" Inscription: "access to tools" One Stewart Brand is credited with authoring a massive catalog that purported to be a source book of objects, services and advice Aquarians could acquire. Literary historians have determined that this catalog is in all likelihood a hoax of the magnitude of two other notorious twentieth-century ruses: Clifford Irving's fabrication of Howard Hughes's autobiography, and the forged diaries of the infamous madman Adolf Hitler. The speculation is that THE WHOLE EARTH CATALOG was created as a parody of the Aquarians' love of catalogs of all kinds and descriptions. A careful cross-checking of the various goods and services in the catalog with what is known of the culture of the time leads researchers to conclude that most entries are too farfetched to be believed. They did concede that it took a great deal of creativity and imagination to produce the catalog. ***** Item 142 ROLLING STONE Paper, ink, staples Dimensions: 12" x 14" Inscription: "All the News That Fits" A young Aquarian newspaper reporter, known by the by-line wunderkind Jann Wenner, was largely responsible for this most popular of Aquarian publications. The "STONE," as it was sometimes called, was both a journal of political thought and a bulletin of the latest advances in agriculture. In addition, Wunderkind Wenner portrayed the leading troubadours of the time on the cover of his magazine, with many households collecting these ornate covers. Evidently, appearing on the cover of the ROLLING STONE was a symbol of great prestige in Aquarian culture. A cache of tattered ROLLING STONES was found about a mile from the dig site in what was a transmission station for archaic "frequency modulation" radio waves. After painstakingly restoring the brittle pages, our researchers have plotted the editorial progress of the ROLLING STONE and revealed how it reflected the quickly changing Aquarian world. In the final issues, the magazine -- actually a "tabloid," from the publication genus "scandal sheet" -- appears to have shifted its focus from politics and agriculture to profiles of Aquarian and Amerikan celebrities. The explanation for this shift is not to be found within its pages. Also, there are intimations that the base of operations for ROLLING STONE would be moved from San Francisco to the East Coast of North Amerika. Researchers have noted the striking similarity between the later ROLLING STONE and the early People magazine of the middle Amerikan culture of the 1980s -- the civilization of the "Mall" people -- and have hypothesized that ROLLING STONE may actually have become People. ***** Diorama Rte66 OUTLAWS OF THE AQUARIANS Harley, leather, chains, dirt Scale: Life size Artist: C.C. Ryder From the celluloid entertainment EASY RIDER and the writings of famed sociologist Dr. Hunter Thompson, we have a fairly comprehensive portrait of the "outlaws" of the Aquarians. These rugged individualists were outsiders in the Aquarian culture, although they dressed like Aquarians and enjoyed many of the same recreations. The most famous of the outlaws were the "easy riders" who roamed the North Amerikan continent in search of high-quality Acapulco Gold (which has led our researchers to believe they were former investment bankers). The perilous journeys they undertook are celebrated in a celluloid entertainment named in their honor. Riding two-wheeled vehicles known as "hoppers," they cruised into the forbidden two-lane blacktop world of the Amerikans. The two celluloid adventurers of EASY RIDER met a grisly end when attacked by Amerikan irregulars known as "red-necks" -- so named for the colorful bandannas they wore -- somewhere in the southern part of Amerika. Outlaws traveling in large bands and wearing decorated uniforms also made forays into Amerika. As they approached a town, their Harley-Davidson two-wheeled vehicles emitted a deafening roar, which frightened villagers away long enough for the gang to sack the town and escape before Amerikan security forces could arrive. Among the early bandit gangs were THE WILD ONES, which the infamous BRANDO as leader. Later, a confederation of outlaws was formed and came to be known as the HELL'S ANGELS, with chapters all across both Aquarian and Amerikan lands. During times of great turmoil within Aquarian culture, this confederation was sometimes called upon to provide security for Aquarians when their own armed forces were unable to do so. ***** Item MJ303 THE SACRED SYMBOL Silver, inlaid turquoise Dimensions: 1" x 1 1/2" Imprinted on many of the Berkeley artifacts is the sacred symbol of the Aquarians, the hemp leaf. All good was thought to stem from the hemp plant, and indeed economics, recreation and spirituality were all directly affected by it. The leaf was so important to the Aquarians that it was anthropomorphized in a tale and song as Mary Jane, in much the same way as the British had centuries before personified John Barleycorn. Buttons, poetry, patches on clothing and even one of the Aquarian confederation flags were found bearing the three-pronged leaf. Apparently, displaying the leaf symbol in virtually any context was considered "NORML." ***** Item C2H60 CEREMONIAL LIBATION VESSEL Glass, fermented grape juice, sugar, formaldehyde Dimensions: 5" x 12" Inscription: "Serve Very Cold" The principal libation vessel of the Aquarians was molded of colorful green glass and imprinted with the words "Boone's Farm" or "Ripple." Evidently, Boone's Farm -- probably located north of Berkeley in the wine region just south of the hemp region -- was the vineyard where the traditional drink of the Aquarians was made. "Ripple" is though to have been their primary toast. The large number of libation vessels strewn about the dig site indicates that each man, woman and child was presented with one at birth to be used on various ceremonial occasions, including the gatherings of the tribes. Researchers were startled by the analysis of the residue in the vessels. The "nectar" of the Aquarians was apparently a repugnant, sickly sweet and diluted cousin of table wine. Owing to the drink's meager alcohol content, it is highly unlikely that the Aquarians consumed it to become inebriated. They would have had to imbibe enormous amounts from the Boone's Farm vessels to do so. ***** Items 3405-348 SYMBOL OF CONFEDERATION Ring, buttons, arm patch Plastic, metal, cloth, ink, dye Dimensions: Various Politically, the Aquarians seem to have been a loose confederation of tribes, although references to a "Woodstock Nation" have been discovered in literature and song originating after 1969. A spectacular three-day festival staged that year in eastern North Amerika served to unite the tribes on a platform of "peace, love and music." The symbol of confederation (a.k.a. "PEACE SIGN") was ubiquitous throughout Aquarian culture. Since it had to standard color or size, it could accommodate various tribal or individual preferences, and its uses were innumerable. It was emblazoned on flags and banners, for example, which served to lead the Aquarian armed forces into battle, or to identify various tribal groups at festivals. It decorated "T-shirts," buttons, posters, rings, headbands, belts and countless other objects. Reproduced in every medium and material known to the Aquarians, it also identified tribal members traveling in foreign and sometimes hostile territories. It was even superimposed on what was apparently the flag of another nation, whose primary colors were red, white and blue. Historians speculate that the country may have been Amerika, against which the Aquarians fought many of their greatest battles. ***** Reconstruction H20ZZZ AQUABED Vinyl, hydrogen dioxide, brass Dimensions of actual bed: 8' x 8' Inscription: "Do not puncture" One of the great technological advances of the ages took place in Aquarian times. After centuries of sleeping on hard floors, torn mattresses or even on the concrete sidewalks, the Aquarians developed a plastic bed filled with an aqueous solution. This breakthrough totally changed the way of life of the Aquarians. Instead of getting up each day ill-rested, they enjoyed the newfound sensation of a soft, rolling ocean under their bodies. They began spending more and more time in bed. Business was conducted from the bed, as was ritual drug-taking. Whether the mother of invention was necessity in this case is hard to assess. It is interesting to note, however, that this dramatic change in the prone behavior of the Aquarians coincided almost exactly with the "summer of love." ***** Item 4F SELECTIVE SERVICE CARD Paper, ink, lighter fluid Dimensions: Wallet Size Inscription: "Required by Law to Have in Your Possession" To aid the many thousands of their young men who wished to explore the world, the Aquarians instituted a lottery system that would send selected individuals on all-expenses-paid trips. Each young man was assigned a SELECTIVE SERVICE NUMBER and was required to keep his SELECTIVE SERVICE CARD on his person at all times, for he never knew when he might be "called up." To be "called up" was apparently such a high honor that the Aquarians became incensed when a young man refused the opportunity, and would fine and imprison him. Two locations were favored above all others by the SELECTIVE SERVICE COMMISSION -- Vietnam and Germany. Unfortunately, traveling fellowships to Vietnam were more widely available than to Germany, yet Germany was a much more popular destination among the Aquarian young men. They campaigned vigorously for Canada and Sweden to be added to the list of possible destinations, but to no avail. Each year a holiday was set aside on which Selective Service lottery numbers would be chosen the following year. Young Aquarians would gather suspensefully about "The Tube" to witness lottery selections. Those who were granted their desired destination would celebrate wildly with friends and family. Others not so fortunate might become so upset that they would actually burn their Selective Service Cards. ***** - Condensed from Treasures of the Aquarians by Richard Davis and Jeff Stone (New York: Penguin Books, 1985). ###
Reader's Comments
Kira Binkley
Actually, I've heard that if you remember the sixties, you never lived through them. Well, my daughter, born 1970, used to tell me that.
Whenever I read about archeological digs from 3 and 4 millennia ago, I always remember this little gem of a book!
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Joan Jurancich
Very funny! Having lived through the era, I can identify just about everything described here. And the misunderstandings and strange interpretations are quite entertaining.
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