From A Comedy Of Errors to All’s Well That Ends Well at Selhurst Park

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From A Comedy Of Errors to All’s Well That Ends Well at Selhurst Park

Newcastle United Fans Celebrating Selhurst Park

Simon Ritter · The Mag

Mon, Oct 26, 2026 ·

8 min read

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An afternoon that threatened to become Much Ado About Nothing Nothing was transformed just after 3pm against Crystal Palace when Newcastle United suddenly rediscovered the movement and passing that make for winning football.

What's also needed, of course, is accurate finishing, which Will Osula and Harvey Barnes supplied to capitalise on the creative work of Jacob Murphy and Amar Dedic respectively.

An assured display by Lukas Hornicek, in probably his best game so far for the Magpies, was also important. In a rare scare before the interval, he dived bravely amid flying boots to foil the lethargic Mateta.

Perhaps the biggest factor in claiming all three points, mind, was the return to the starting line-up of the vastly experienced Dan Burn and Fabian Schar. How they have been missed!

The first half, viewed from the upper section of the Arthur Wait Stand (more of that later) was almost entirely forgettable. That's unhelpful when trying to write a match report, so here are my general impressions.

We were sent out by Matthias Jaissle to be risk-averse. Whenever I looked at our back line, it comprised five players: Lewis Hall, Burn, Schar, Dedic and Murphy. United were nominally kicking right to left, as the radio commentators like to say (more of that later). Often we went backwards.

Hall and Harvey Barnes tried to combine on our left; Dedic and Murphy likewise on the right. Almost nothing good came from their efforts. Passes went straight to opponents or straight into touch. The movement was pedestrian. The few forward runs off the ball never looked likely to see the ball. Osula ploughed a lone furrow on his first start since he roughed up Liverpool more than two months ago.

The top priority of keeping a clean sheet was somewhat ironic because that's the way Palace played at home against us in the first half last season and in 2024-25. This might be a tactic specifically employed to counter the Mags at Selhurst Park, though somehow I doubt it.

A howling gale militated against attractive football unless you have the skill and vision to play on rather than above the grass. Adam Wharton has them in spades. Yesterday was his 102nd league start, with 34 for Blackburn Rovers before Palace paid a ridiculously low £18m for him in February 2024, five days before he turned 20.

If Wharton misplaced a pass or lost possession in the first half, I didn't notice. Supporters are often told Premier League clubs have to pay a big premium for English players. Only in some cases . . .

Hall again looked a class above his teammates and was on the receiving end of robust Palace challenges all afternoon, most of which were ignored by the referee. Paul Tierney had a rotten game. Free-kicks and throws were taken five or 10 yards farther forward with impunity. The players only stopped cheating when Tierney started doing his job, about 40 minutes in. Palace spent ages over nearly every set-piece but in the end the visitors were the ones penalised twice for time wasting at throws. The referee was consistent in only one way; continually incompetent decisions. If he is a top official, I despair.

While in moaning minnie mode, a word or two on the venue. Selhurst Park is a disgrace to the World's Greatest League (copyright: Sky Sports). In previous seasons I have been near the front of the wing stand, almost at pitch level. Yesterday I was eight rows from the back, with one pillar blocking a view of the 18-yard line in front of me and another blocking out a chunk of the far penalty area.

Those annoying uprights were by no means the worst aspect, however. We all know he who pays the piper calls the tune but Crystal Palace, presumably with the blessing of the Premier League authorities, have taken this to a disgraceful level, literally, by building a low-level gantry that runs the entire length of the Arthur Wait stand, from one corner flag to the other. Whenever the ball flew more than 12 feet into the air, it vanished from view if you were in Row 42.

In the interests of research, I walked up the remaining eight rows to the top of this stand. Everything from the far side of the centre circle to the touchline was hidden from view . . . at pitch level. So, for hundreds if not thousands of spectators (a loose definition) about 40 per cent of the playing surface could not be seen. What was shown on the big screens was also a mystery to anyone in the upper tier.

The reason for that appalling construction of scaffold poles, wooden boards and dark netting? You can have one guess . . .Yes, it's there to house the TV cameras, radio commentators and, presumably, the press. Welcome to the future of football.

The pre-match ritual of soaking the pitch twice over — once before the players had warmed up, then again when they had returned briefly to the changing rooms — was faultlessly observed. Storm Austen had obviously not dumped enough rain on this part of the capital.

The dastardly flame/smoke throwers also put in what seems to be an obligatory appearance. When they were hastily dragged off the playing surface at 13.58 GMT, at least one left deep ruts.

In the interests of balance, I will award 8/10 to the chicken pie: hot and tasty, with a decent ratio of filling to pastry. At £6.50, reasonable for London, too.

Being of a certain age, I also enjoyed hearing Glad All Over by The Dave Clark Five over the PA system. According to the club's historian, that blast from the past, which has long been Palace's anthem, was first played at Selhurst Park in January 1964, when it was No1 in the hit parade.

The half-time entertainment was similarly antiquated: a quick penalty shoot-out by four young mascots, two from each team, was harmless enough, although the timing of a short sprint to decide the winner seemed as skewed towards Palace as most of Tierney's officiating.

But honestly, in this enlightened age, is there any need for the Crystals, 11 young women, to appear in cheerleader outfits and gyrate to some unmemorable tune for two or three minutes? Perhaps if the first 15 minutes of the second half had instead been the last 15 before the interval, I would have been amused by such scenes.

On reflection: No, I wouldn't. What is the point of England's female footballers being more successful than their male counterparts in this millennium if Premier League clubs still promote young women in this way?

Back to the match. Did our head coach say: "Keep it up, lads, more of the same" at half-time?Or did he say: "Palace are there for the taking. Go out and win this."

Whatever was in Jaissle's team talk, his men were transformed after the interval. The passing suddenly clicked, the urgency was evident and United looked as good as they had against Liverpool in the season opener.

The match stats say Palace had more shots, more on target, more touches in the opposing penalty area, more possession and a higher xG. Sometimes, less is more. My eyes tell me United were the better team.

Newcastle United Players Clapping Away Fans at Crystal Palace Selhurst Park

Photo by Simon Ritter via The Mag

For those pessimists quick to point out we had only two attempts on target, check the statistics for Saturday's match at Villa Park, which the hosts won 2-1. They also managed only two accurate attempts, while Man City had seven. The world according to xG suggested the losers in that match should have won 3-1.

Think of Selhurst Park as payback for the 4-1 defeat at Coventry, where we made almost nothing from a load of good chances. Football's a funny old game, which is probably one reason it's so addictive.

The travelling members of the Toon Army left in high spirits, having sung loud and proud throughout the match.

Predictably, Palace's mediocre performance led to several deafening renditions of "Down with the Mackems, You're going down with the Mackems!"

A Palace supporter in his eighties told me on the bus back to East Croydon station that we had done more with the ball, even in the goalless first half. He also bemoaned the state of the beautiful game today, when loyalty counts for nothing and the richest clubs use money to wreck the attempts of less-wealthy rivals to build successful teams.

That's a debate for another time. Today, let's all celebrate three points, a clean sheet and a hard-earned place in the top eight of the Premier League.

Crystal Palace 0 Newcastle 2 – Sunday 25 October 2026 2pm

Match Stats

Goals:

Newcastle United :

Osula 47, Barnes 58

Palace:

Possessionwas Newcastle 48% Palace 52%

Total shotswere Newcastle 10 Palace 17

Shots on targetwere Newcastle 2 Palace 4

Cornerswere Newcastle 4 Palace 7

Touches in the opposition boxNewcastle 19 Palace 32

Newcastle team v Crystal Palace: