6 Signs Someone Is ‘Deflecting’ and How To Respond, According to a Psychologist

Deflecting is a great skill to show off when playing defense in basketball or football. However, it can pose problems in relationships, as deflecting is considered a defense mechanism in psychology.

"Deflecting is...where someone avoids confronting uncomfortable emotions or situations by redirecting attention away from the issue at hand," explains  Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D. , a psychologist in New York. "Instead of addressing the problem directly, a person may shift focus to something else, often through humor, changing the subject, blaming others or denying their feelings."

In the short term, it may protect someone from emotional discomfort. However, it can be frustrating if someone seems to "volley" something you said. Dr. Stratyner says deflection can prevent resolutions and delay healing for everyone involved.

Understanding the signs of deflection and how to respond can help you shift the conversation back to the topic, potentially salvaging your relationship. Dr. Stratyner shares six telltale signs of deflection and how to respond to each one. Spoiler: Each one involves having a conversation with yourself first.

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6 Signs of Deflecting and How To React, According to a Psychologist

1. Changing the subject abruptly

Dr. Stratyner says that steering the conversation away from the topic is an often-used tactic to avoid discussing it.

How to respond: She suggests asking yourself two key questions: Does the topic need to be revisited? If so, how important is the topic?

She explains that your answers will inform whether you revisit the subject and with what level of intensity. For instance, if the subject affects a critical decision you need to make, Dr. Stratyner suggests reiterating how important it is that the discussion continues. 

"This is sometimes referred to as 'being a broken record' but can be necessary in select instances," she says. "Be mindful that timing is also critical—if someone [cannot] have a conversation without deflection, even after an attempt has been made to redirect them, consider returning to the discussion...later."

2. Making a joke or using humor

Dr. Stratyner explains that people often attempt to downplay or mask emotions with humor. The person may not want to show their vulnerable side.

How to respond:She notes that the type of joke the person used will determine your best approach. 

"For example, if a person deflects by making a joke at your expense or one that offends you, you may wish to respond more directly," she explains.

In this instance, you might let them know how the joke made you feel. Other times, a person might use a self-deprecating joke or one that doesn't ding anyone.

"You may take it as a cue that it would be helpful to change the topic—again, keeping in mind that this may not be an option depending on the importance of the topic being deflected," Dr. Stratyner says.

3. Blaming others

"Shifting blame prevents the person from acknowledging their own role or feelings about the situation," Dr. Stratyner notes.

How to respond:Mindfulness is key here.

"Express that you understand the other person’s perspective and...are open to discussing others’ roles—potentially including your own—but request the focus be kept on their role in the matter," she says.

Related: 13 Lies People Tell Themselves That Do More Harm Than Good, Psychologists Warn

4. Dismissing or minimizing the issue

A person may attempt to shield themselves from emotional discomfort by downplaying how serious something is, Dr. Stratyner warns.

How to respond:Do you need to harp on the topic? Does it affect you personally? If so, how important is it? "These answers can inform how intensely you insist upon remaining on topic," Dr. Stratyner says.

5. Becoming defensive

Dr. Stratyner explains that defensiveness suggests that a person feels threatened by the topic and wants to protect themselves from raw emotional exposure.

How to respond: She advises you to consider your priorities in the conversation.

"If the bigger priority is getting your own needs met and/or maintaining personal dignity, you might make an effort to continue the conversation then and there to reach your desired aim," she says. 

However, if you want to preserve a relationship, proceed more cautiously when pressing the topic.

"Take more of a listening role and validate the other person’s feelings so as to not escalate their feelings of defensiveness," Dr. Stratyner suggests.

6.  Refusing to acknowledge emotions

Dr. Stratyner explains that common ways people try to avoid addressing underlying emotions include saying, "I don't feel anything" or "I'm not upset." These phrases also indicate someone isn't in touch with their inner experience. 

How to respond:While it depends on the situation, Dr. Stratyner says you might start by sharing your perspective. For instance, try saying, "I get the sense you are upset." Then, acknowledge their need for a pause. 

"Give the other person some space briefly, and see if you can revisit the discussion later," she recommends. "This might help give the other person time to collect their thoughts and be better equipped to communicate."

Related: 15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists

The Worst Way To Respond to Deflection

Whatever you do, Dr. Stratyner says you'll want to avoid criticizing the other person or attacking their character.

For instance, she does not recommend saying things like, "You're just avoiding the problem, deal with it!" or "Stop being so childish!"

Dr. Stratyner warns that phrases like these escalate the problem and don't inch you closer to the solution.

"Criticizing or name-calling is invalidating, disrespectful and creates further emotional distance," she explains. "It can make someone feel judged, unheard and unsupported. Instead of helping them confront the issue, this response can trigger more avoidance and make them less likely to open up."

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Source:

• Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D. , a psychologist in New York