An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This 'Rude' Habit in Social Settings

Connecting with someone has never been easier—they're a tap and scroll away, even if they live in another country. We can also easily switch between speaking with a family member and a friend within moments. Yet, it can be hard to literally and figuratively close the tabs in our minds when we get together face-to-face over Zoom or in person.

"It can be difficult to remember that the person in front of us when we are in person when we are all so used to being alone in our homes and still actively communicating with people," says  Jenny Dreizen , a modern-day etiquette, boundaries and relationships expert and the COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry.

Getting frequently distracted or side-tracked by notifications, for example, can lead to a feeling of disconnect. 

"When we are in visual range of another, whether on Zoom or across the table at a cafe, we need to remember that our actions, body language and focus affect them," Dreizen says.

So, deleting this one rude habit in social settings is one way to remain connected and show someone you genuinely value their presence and time. 

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The #1 Social Habit To Stop, According to an Etiquette Expert

Phubbing.

Wait, what's that? "Phubbing is the term used for when someone snubs another person by excessively looking at or getting sucked into their phone," Dreizen explains. (Think of it as a combination of "phone use" and "snubbing.")

Now, before you go into the shame spiral, it's natural to phub these days. 

"The brave of us will admit we've been the perpetrator of 'phubbing,'" Dreizen says. "These days, our phones contain the sum of all knowledge in the known universe."

She concedes that it's easy to see how a quick inbox scroll during a conversation pause can lead to responding to a few things that could wait. For example, you may see a notification from a boss marked "URGENT," even though you're off the clock, and feel instant pressure to address it. 

And, as Dreizen points out: "In an ever-connected world, everything seems urgent, and everyone expects responses immediately."

The problem is that you're sending a message to the person you committed to spending time with that they are not the priority. 

"Phubbing often comes off as rude because it shows disinterest, or at least lack of focus, on the conversation you are trying to have with the [person] before you," Dreizen says. "You are telling them, implicitly, that what they have to say is not as interesting as anything in your phone—that you are not engaged with them and not interested in being so."

Related: 13 Phrases Often Used by People With Poor Social Skills, According to Etiquette Experts

How To Stop Phubbing

Dreizen says nixing phubbing is a two-step process. The first step can be done the next time you get together with someone: put your phone in your pocket or bag on vibrate.

"You will feel it when it goes off, but won't be distracted by its presence on your table or in your hand," she explains.

From there, you'll need to tune into yourself.

"Learn what the urge to check your phone during a conversation feels like and try to master it," Dreizen says. Sometimes, we check our phones because we're feeling a bit awkward or uncomfortable, even avoidant. Become aware of that sensation and learn to sit through it by more actively engaging with the person in front of you."

Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Think Twice About This Common Social Habit

Exceptions to the 'No-Phubbing Rule' (And How To Handle Them)

Sometimes, phubbing is understandable—necessary, even. For instance, your partner may go into labor at any minute. Perhaps you're waiting for a call that your mom is out of surgery or for critical test results from your doctor. Maybe something work-related really can't wait—your job may, for better or worse, right or wrong—depend on working through something on a call without a precise time attached to it. 

Notice a pattern with these? While some things, like a call from your kid's school to come pick them up because they are sick, are unexpected, many "phubbing exceptions" are things you can communicate beforehand. Dreizen recommends you do just that. 

"Let your conversation partner know what is going on, and set intervals for checking the phone," she suggests. "Be loud about it."

Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This Surprisingly Common Habit in Social Settings

Dreizen explains you might say, "I am going to check my phone now, and then it goes back in the bag." 

"This shifts the phone looking to a subtle sneak or look, which comes off as disingenuous to an acknowledged action, and it gives them a chance to head to the bathroom, check their phone, order another drink or settle the bill," she says.

Also, you're waiting for a specific notification from a specific person or group. The exception is for communication from them, not the rest of the people who invade your inbox, DM and other notifications.

"Turn off all notifications except essential ones," Dreizen recommends, "That way, your phone won't be pinging you with Instagram notifications you feel the urge to check to see if they're your kids' school, and you'll know if you feel or hear a notification it needs a response."

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Expert Source:

• Jenny Dreizen , a modern-day etiquette, boundaries and relationships expert and the COO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry