13 Phrases Often Used by People With Poor Social Skills, According to Etiquette Experts
- Working on social skills is crucial for building relationships and effective communication, as verbal and written interactions heavily rely on how phrases are perceived by others.
In the digital era, you might link "social skills" with a job description (shout out to the social media managers). However, rest assured, the traditional version of social skills is still important and worth fine-tuning.
"Working on your social skills is important because they are the basis of how you interact with others and build relationships," says Mason Farmani
,a personal and corporate life coach. "Being mindful of how your phrases might come across is a big part of this since verbal communication is not just about words. It is about how the words come across."
That's arguably even more true in written communication, such as on social media, where tone and body language are lost. To be clear, everyone says the wrong thing now and then. Even people with high emotional IQs have had foot-in-mouth moments. However, people with poor social skills often use specific phrases. Heck, even polished types may find themselves muttering these more than they'd like, which can give off the wrong first impression to people who don't know their true personalities.
If you want to come across as more socially skilled, delete these 13 phrases.
Related: 11 Signs You Might Be 'Socially Inept,' According to Psychologists
13 Phrases Often Used by People With Poor Social Skills, According to Etiquette Experts
1. "Actually..."
...you should steer clear of this word in most instances (even if you're "actually" right).
"When someone jumbles the pronunciation of a French word, misquotes a song lyric, or uses grammar that's not 100% correct, it isn't always necessary to correct people in conversation," says Nick Leighton
, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast, Were You Raised By Wolves?
"Sometimes, it's more polite to just let it go."
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2. "No offense, but..."
This one is a ubiquitous way to try to soften the blow of a disagreement but often falls short.
"It rarely works and usually insults people," Farmani warns.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
3. "That's dumb!"
A comment like this one is a nearly surefire way to leave even the most extroverted types speechless.
"Where can the conversation go after this?" asks Jenny Dreizen
, a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry.
Nowhere good.
4. "I'm just being honest."
Leighton doesn't recommend lying, but using "honesty" as an excuse to be casually cruel isn't good social form, either.
"Good etiquette requires both honesty and tact," Leighton says. "Be mindful of other people's feelings."
5. "You always/never..."
Farmani served up this example of a phrase with poor social skills as a two-for-one special but not of the happy hour variety.
"These kinds of generalizations are disproportionate and unfair," Farmani says. "They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation."
Related: 5 Phrases a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Couples To Stop Using ASAP
6. "You should have done it this way."
No one is perfect—and neither is this phrase.
Dreizen describes it as "judgmental and righteous" and won't continue a conversation.
7. "Wait, wait—I have a better story."
The other person had no idea that they were signing up for a competition by entering the chat with a meaningful story.
"One-upping someone in conversation is a quick way to make sure others won't want to chat with you," Dreizen says. "Give their story its due time, ask some questions and laugh if appropriate. Then, you can share your story or save it for later."
8. "It's not my problem."
This phrase is like nails on a chalkboard for some—Farmani included.
"This phrase transfers the burden of responsibility to others and signals a lack of willingness to help, which can make you look cold and self-serving," Farmani explains.
Related: 6 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice Before Anyone Else, According to Psychologists
9. "Why are you being so dramatic?"
This one falls short of all-important empathy.
"This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating," Farmani says.
10. "Calm down."
TL;DR: See above. However, it must be said: "Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,'" Leighton says.
11. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
What if they do?
"Putting someone on the defensive is a poor relationship-building maneuver," Dreizen says.
Related: 9 Surprising Things You Should Never, Ever Reveal About Yourself and Why, According to Psychologists
12. "Whatever."
Using "whatever" is a '90s and early-aughts trend that should stay there.
"This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger," Farmani says.
13. "I told you so."
Just giving it as an example sends chills down Farmani's spine.
"This phrase can be smug and self-righteous," Farmani says. "It shows a person is gloating over a mistake rather than being empathetic or helpful."
Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn
How To Improve Your Social Skills
1. Learn
Become a people watcher.
"Watch how others talk to one another in public, at work or at home, and take note of their body language, tone and the types of phrases that are well received.," Farmani says. "Observe how people communicate with you and others, and learn from that to find communication styles that will help you to navigate social situations better."
2. Listen
While you may be eager to show off the new skills you learned from watching, Dreizen suggests opening your ears before you open your mouth.
"It can be easy to want to share our stories, opinions, and ideas with people—that's a lot of fun, to be sure," she says. "But trying to listen more than you speak is a great way of making sure you're not monopolizing the conversation."
3. Ask questions
Highlight that you genuinely listened by using your turn to speak to kick the ball back to someone else.
"If the person you're interacting with is also trying to build community, they will do the same and give you the chance to share your stories, thoughts and opinions," Dreizen says.
4. Believe others
Asking questions? Great. Questioning others? Not the best social form.
"Believing someone when they tell you about themselves is a great way to build trust," Dreizen says. "If you are doubtful of what they're saying, ask gentle questions if necessary."
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Sources:
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Mason Farmani , a personal and corporate life coach
-
Nick Leighton , an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?
-
Jenny Dreizen , a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry
