2008.02.08
カテゴリ： カテゴリ未分類
While I was revising my draft of the thesis this morning, my celphone rang...
： ・・・うぉっ
It was He... Since the end of last year, I kept ignoring him... Gosh! I didn't answer the phone. It kept ringing rather long, then stopped. I turned my celphone silent so that any sound of the email or the call wouldn't disturb me.
He was my teacher in Feminism of the Philosophy class last year. After the first meeting of the class, he told me that he knows the crown prince of Japan, since he was studying at Oxford and the prince was his classmate. But at that time I was not so impressed by it or particularly interested in it.
After that semester, I went to see him to get the class card with my grade on it, which was one of the requirements to extend my student visa. At that opportunity he showed me many pictures during his Oxford university days.
I was so surprised with the fact that he was really a close friend of the prince, which rather pleased me. It does not mean that I admire the prince in particular, but his warm friendship with the prince as one student, as one person, touched my heart.
： But now I think I shouldn't have shown my joy honestly to him...
When I got the class card from him, he said that my final paper was the best in his class, and he wants to give me some comments on it as he always does to his students. But he must review my paper first, for the time when he read the paper was rather a bit long time ago. I was willing to listen to his comments, for I remembered he told in the class that he was really trained to write a good paper in Oxford, so he is good at pointing out the weak points of the students' papers and improving them.
We set the schedule to meet again in his office.
But I hesitated to say no, and at the same time I also thought that it would be still good to hear his comments to know where my weak point in my argument is. So I said yes.
We met the week after next again. It was 1pm. Since he had not taken lunch yet, he asked me if I can accompany him. I had alreay taken lunch, but well it's no problem. We went to the canteen of the College of Law by his car, where he can take meals for free, which is the privilege acknowledged to the faculty.
The canteen exclusive for the faculty was really beautiful as if an expensive restaurant, totally different from the other canteens for students.
The comments he gave me on my paper was... just nothing. It's just a sort of impressionist comment. Only that? I was rather disappointed...
But still I enjoyed the conversation with him somehow, since we talked on many things, especially his student days and his memories with the prince in Oxford.
On the walls of that canteen, there were several portraits of the important figures who were on the important posts of the law in the Philippines.
Finishing his meal, he took me in front of one portait, and said,
"My father."
"OH, really!!?? He is so handsome!! (and doesn't resemble you at all!) "
Well, I regret that I showed too much reaction... His father was the Chief Justice of the Philippines during the Marcos era, which surprised me a lot.
But I didn't like that... "Oh, why do the Filipino men often want to follow me up to the dorm? Just leave me here. You can go now."
But I didn't say so... I couldn't. Well, he said he is intersted in the dorm for foreign students here, since he was also a foreign student when he was in England.
Anyway, at the lobby of the dorm, we separated.
Oh wait, before that, he asked me he wants to invite me to the Christmas party at his house and asked me how he can contact me. How stupid I am. I told him my number.
At the moment of leaving, he asked,
Instantly I understood that he wants to do a Filipino greeting, putting your cheek on the cheek of the other and at the same time making a sound of a peck with lips.
I didn't want to do that. But still I did, for I felt it's rather rude to deny it.
My mind went blank. I heard the sound of his peck just beside my ear.
I hated IT. I felt so0ooo bad. Instantly I felt,
： Ah, he is having some affairs with women outside his home.
The smile on his face on leaving was a bit unnatural, meaning, grotesque.
For several days this memory annoyed me and tortured me,really...
I asked my Filipino male friend how he thinks of it. He said it's jsut ok, no problem. I wondered if I am wrong.
I also asked my Japanese girl firends. They were all cried out, ”きもーい” and warned me to be careful, which really consoled my heart, seeing that my honest feeling was just natural and right.
One week later or so after this incident, I received a text (email) from him to my celphone, asking me if I am free for dinner. Gosh!! I declined, saying some excuse, to which he replied that he wanted a company before leaving for the conference in some foreign country, etc.
： Where is your wife!!??
Then after several hours, he sent me a text again, asking if I want to see his nephew who is studying Literature at Oxford and now back here for vacation.
： Ah, Oxford again...
I didn't reply him anymore. Since then there was no news from him since. I expected that he understood the meaning of my silence. Then I almost forgot that he exists on this planet.
But here again! and this time it's a call. I ignored it, of course.
Next came a text.
"May we meet. I have some questions..."
： 会いたいだと・・・やっぱり！あん？日本のプロジェクト、会議？・・・ふん！自分で調べろ。日本だと思って。
Why do I have to go through all the toubles to MEET him?
なんで、質問するのに、わざわざ会わなきゃいけないの？
こっちの予定も聞かずに、textに久しぶりの礼儀的な挨拶もなしに、いきなり突然。論文で忙しいって、前に会ったとき話したよね。
いや、っていうか、もう来るな。金輪際、何もよこすな。おまえとは、縁を切る
The reasons for writing on such an annoying topic is that I wanted to look at my heart closely... that is, "権威主義".
He was studying at Oxford... Wow! Later he also reveals that his nephew is studying there as well.
His father was the Chief Justice of the Philippines... Wow!
He is a close friend of the crown prince... I see!
I hate that he, so naturally, reveals those big names one after another. The friendship with the crown prince is still ok. But the portrait of his father at the canteen...
what's his true intention? Maybe it's nothing for him, but still the naturalness he was wearing annoys me...
But I also hate myself for being so unarmed in front of those big names.
Particularly, "Oxford." Yes, it is a very famous, prestigious seat of learning.
When I hear the names of good schools, especially in the States or the England, I often feel a slight sense of inferiority...which I hate most.
Is it because I am not familiar with people from those countires?
How should I overcome it?
But I know the core reason for my being this way... I think I know.
Wherever I come from, I must stand on my own feet. It't not the name that matters.
： 自分がどこを出ようが、相手がどこの誰であろうが、自分自身が力をつけるんだ。自分の足で立つんだ。態度を変えたらだめなんだ。名前の前に媚びるな。
いつも素晴らしい先生方に恵まれるターシャが、なんで一人だけ、ここでこんなのに会ったんだろう、と考えた。ここで、断ち切らないといけないんだと思った。自分の中の「権威」に媚びようとする命を。
Oh, I just remembered my papa once asked us this question...
：最近、よく「誠実」という言葉を聞くけれど、「誠実」って何だと思う？
＆＆：う～ん・・・
：分からないときは、その「反対」を思い浮かべるといいんだよ。「誠実」の反対・・・裏切り、傲慢、嘘つき、威張る・・・ papa は、「誠実」って、「変わらないこと」だと思うよ。
：長くてごめんなさい。
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