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2025.03.02

Eliminate the causes of anger Chapter7

カテゴリ： Cognitive behavioral therapy

If you are afraid that if the other person dislikes you, it's all over! You will believe that the other person's criticism and assertions are absolutely correct. You will become even more depressed and will not be able to express your feelings and thoughts.

As one way to solve such problems, we introduced a method of actually communicating while practicing how to influence the other person.

Even people who are depressed or suffering from depression often get angry easily. In order to properly face and manage anger, you should first know how short-tempered you are. If you are not used to self-evaluating, it can be surprisingly difficult. However, it is a good idea to take some kind of test or get multiple trusted people to evaluate you. First, understand the reality as accurately as possible.

You may have gotten angry about many things up until now, but the important thing is to respond appropriately little by little each time you get angry, and gradually become able to manage your anger. Anger is a double-edged sword. It has some advantages in that it can temporarily relieve you, but if it explodes, it will last longer. (It's like when an alcoholic drinks to take the edge off.) Even if you're not at fault, you'll still feel angry. The pain caused by anger far exceeds the discomfort you feel. In addition to discomfort, it can also lead to a variety of physical illnesses, such as high blood pressure. That's why it's important to properly manage your anger.

In most cases, anger is caused by a cognitive gap. By learning to deal with this gap in a more practical and functional way, you can make it easier to manage your anger.

The first cognitive gap that causes anger is labeling. If you treat someone as stupid or incompetent, you will see them negatively. At that time, you will probably focus on the things you dislike, ignore them, or underestimate their good points. In other words, you will not be able to evaluate them as they really are. You will tend to make assumptions about the other person and nag them a lot, want to get revenge, or treat them the same way and seek revenge.

Most people label others because they want to protect their self-esteem. For example, if you label your unreasonably strict father as "a shitty dad! A bald bastard! A pig!" in your mind, you can mistakenly think that your father, who you actually feel is superior to you, is inferior to you. It can also be considered a psychological defense mechanism.

The second cognitive gap is "overreading minds." You think up an explanation that satisfies you about why the other person did what they did. However, that is not what the other person actually thinks. For example, if someone argues with my opinion, you misread it as "he must be arguing with me on purpose to make things difficult for me!"

The third cognitive gap is "overinterpretation." When you think, "The bus is late. What a disaster!", how much does it actually mean that the bus is later than scheduled? People who have a strong tendency in this way may not be able to casually talk to members of the opposite sex. This is because you feel "how terrible!" when you are turned down by someone you've never met before.

The fourth cognitive gap is "thinking that you should do it." Should thinking is caused by the belief that you will always be satisfied, and causes panic and anger when you are not satisfied with the situation. A typical example of this pattern is someone who always does their job honestly but gets angry easily. They feel that because they are doing a good job, they should always get a satisfactory result. They feel that others should cooperate.

It is your belief that something is unfair that causes anger. In fact, anger is the opposite emotion to the recognition that you have been treated unfairly. However, fairness is relative. There is no absolute fairness. What seems fair to one person is not right at all to another. In fact, fairness is just a concept that you have created yourself.

Let me give you a concrete example. How do you feel about a zebra being attacked and eaten by a lion? Young children and kind people may feel sorry for the zebra. I have this side to me too. However, since lions are carnivores, it is important for them to eat the necessary amount of zebras, and from the perspective of the food chain, it can be said that they prevent overpopulation of zebras and suppress starvation.

Absolute fairness does not exist, but of course morality is important. However, much of our daily anger is caused by confusing our own hopes with our moral standards. In order to prevent this confusion, it will be effective to always be aware of the following two points.

1. Is this anger directed at people who have shown malicious intent?

2. Is this anger useful to me? Does it help me achieve my goals?

The important thing in common is to control your anger and turn the situation to your advantage. Use it as a means to realize your desires. For example, suppose your boss has been making repeated sexual remarks on purpose. After feeling anger toward such a person, you can be resolute and calm and say, "This is sexual harassment and I will report it to the human resources department," which is an effective way of suppressing sexual remarks.

Anger continues persistently. Since it arises from a moral sense, it is quite difficult to overcome it if you do nothing. However, there is a concrete way to deal with it. It is a method to compare the advantages and disadvantages of anger and revenge in a double column. Let's try using the above sexual harassment remarks as a double column.

Advantages: You can suppress sexual harassment remarks, you can suppress unreasonable work orders, you can gain confidence

Disadvantages: You are seen as a scary person, you will be less likely to be approached by men

List the specific advantages and disadvantages.

Even after the initial trigger, anger can sometimes nest in your heart for decades! However! It is you who are perpetuating that image. You are hurting yourself. A good way to resolve it is to transform it into humor. Why not imagine the person you are angry at walking around in only their underwear, with a pacifier in their mouth, crying?

It is also effective to forcefully stop angry thoughts. It is also effective to get into the habit of saying "Stop!" in your mind the moment you notice your anger. After that, imagine something you really like. It can be someone you are interested in, or sexual fantasies are also very effective. (Dr. Ellis, the founder of rational therapy, did this during treatment at a dental clinic and reportedly felt almost no pain.)

Sometimes rules that make interpersonal relationships difficult don't seem bad at first glance. They can even seem moral.

For example, the idea that husbands and wives should cooperate and do their best! Mutual cooperation is a temporary and unstable ideal that can only be achieved through continued effort. Common understanding, communication, compromise, and growth are all necessary, and it also requires hard work such as negotiation.

If, nevertheless, a couple sets an unrealistic fantasy as a goal and continues to criticize each other, they will continue to be angry and will continue to lower the quality of their lives. In such cases, try "reconsidering the rules that should be."

1. You won't always be thanked.

2. Many people are polite, but some are not. Life is too short to waste it on the exceptions.

3. Even if you work hard, there is no guarantee of success.

4. It is true that you can get angry if you are treated unfairly, but is that to your advantage?

5. It would be nice if others behaved the way you want them to, but sometimes that is not the case.

Throw away unrealistic expectations. You can control your own emotions. Are you afraid that if you change your expectations and stop getting angry, you will become weak, or that others will take advantage of you? If it makes you happy and helps you achieve your goals, then be happy to stop. Rather than trying to change the other person's bad behavior, praise their good behavior and ask for their cooperation. This is called a "reward system."

For example, if you argue and get angry every time you have a boss who is bad at nagging, you will not see any improvement. If you greet them, continue to express your gratitude, sometimes give them good compliments, and achieve results at work, you will be surprised at how much their attitude will change.

To correct your thinking, try to decide on "average" as the middle point. The world is a very diverse place, so stop expecting perfection to always equal greatness. In fact, I am not the best counselor. Average is fine.

A gentle and firm approach works better to get your point across without getting angry or confused. On the other hand, a moral "should" approach makes you angry and makes the other person emotional. The other person will become more defensive and will attack you in return. The gentle and firm approach is "negotiation." There are three points to negotiate.

1. Instead of complaining, find something good and praise or flatter them.

2. If the other person becomes combative, your first priority should be to calm them down.

3. Calmly but firmly make your point of view clear.

Use a good combination of these three and see it through to the end. Extreme ultimatums and threats are the last resort.

Empathy is a great way to resolve anger. Empathy is the ability to accurately understand the thoughts and motives of others. Remember, it was your own thoughts, not their actions, that created your anger. Interestingly, the moment you understand why the other person behaved in a certain way, your anger will subside to a surprising extent. Humans are attached to their own perceptions, and before they know it, they behave toward others according to their own interpretations. Making meanings is "jumping to conclusions (overreading minds)."

Finally, there are 10 things you should know about your anger.

1. It's not what happens in the world that makes you angry. It's your "cognitive distortions" that cause anger.

2. Anger alone doesn't help you. It reduces your energy and creates hostility toward you and yourself. However, if you try to find and practice positive solutions, you will feel better and the situation will be easier to improve. If you find yourself in a situation that is far beyond your ability to solve, you can temporarily escape from it. You can also think about the times and things that made you happiest.

3. If you get angry frequently, your thinking is distorted.

4. Anger is likely to occur when your moral sense is stimulated by the belief that the other person is being unfair or unjust.

5. The words and actions of the other person that you perceive as unfair may not be unfair to the other person themselves.

6. Other people think that you have no reason to blame them. Retaliation based on anger will worsen relationships and cause conflict. You may gain momentary self-satisfaction, but in the long run, it will have many negative effects.

7. Anger often occurs when you lose your "self-esteem" when others belittle you, do not agree with you, or do not act the way you want them to. Stop relying on others to judge your worth. You can live your life by your own will. (Remember to follow your conscience if possible.)

8. Frustration occurs when your expectations are not realized. This is likely to occur in the following situations:

- The love, happiness, promotion, etc. that you desire should happen.

- If you work hard, you will definitely succeed.

- It is natural that others should put in an equal amount of effort as we do, and others should believe what we perceive as "fair."

- I should be able to solve any problem quickly and easily.

- If I'm a good wife, my husband will love me.

- Others should be able to think and act the same way I do.

- I've been kind to others, so they should return the favor.

I'm sorry for the harsh language, but can you realize that your own expectations are unrealistic?

9. Does feeling anger benefit you? If you act on your anger, it will be detrimental to you unless you manage it properly.

10. To be human, anger is necessary from time to time. But if you manage your anger properly, that is, if you free yourself from being in a bad mood, you will find yourself with much greater interest, joy, peace, and motivation.

[Summary]

Even when you are down or depressed, you may feel angry at times. It is important to manage it. First, find out how short-tempered you are. Anger causes much more stress than the original problem. The cause is still cognitive distortion.

While analyzing the cause, try the method you think is easiest to implement from the many methods introduced. This is one of the effective ways to deal with it.

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