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2025.03.04
Let's review what we learned last time.
Why do you really want to be recognized ? It's because you have a deep-rooted bad thought that "I absolutely need to be cherished and loved by the other person!" It's the root cause of not only hunger for love (romance and being cherished), but even approval addiction.
The third assumption among the deep-rooted bad thoughts (the first is approval addiction, the second is love addiction) is that "a person's worth is determined by what they have accomplished in life by competing and winning against others." This kind of value system is mainstream in Western culture. It's probably a way of thinking that is familiar to you, but it's actually a harmful and inaccurate concept. Despite this, the idea of being obsessed with one's own achievements is often seen in people who are passionate about business. In recent years, people have been forced to compete fiercely with others since childhood and have been educated with an emphasis on achieving something, so they tend to be particularly vulnerable to failures in their work.
If you are too absorbed in your work and do not take care of your family, distortions will inevitably occur. It can also damage your health. These things happen because you have not established your true self-worth, and it is clearly to your detriment.
So how can you gain self-esteem regardless of your work performance? First, there is a practical and philosophical method. You need to realize that human "value" is essentially abstract and does not actually exist. Rather than seeking "value," you should seek satisfaction, joy, new knowledge, mastery, or personal growth and companionship in your daily life.
If you can't get away from the idea of achievement above all else, use the usual triple column method to add a realistic and objective counterargument. Let's take me as an example.
In other words, the following formula emerges for the three factors of "approval addiction," "love hunger," and this time's "work-study addiction (value dependence)."
The third assumption among the deep-rooted bad thoughts (the first is approval addiction, the second is love addiction) is that "a person's worth is determined by what they have accomplished in life by competing and winning against others." This kind of value system is mainstream in Western culture. It's probably a way of thinking that is familiar to you, but it's actually a harmful and inaccurate concept. Despite this, the idea of being obsessed with one's own achievements is often seen in people who are passionate about business. In recent years, people have been forced to compete fiercely with others since childhood and have been educated with an emphasis on achieving something, so they tend to be particularly vulnerable to failures in their work.
The first step to changing this attitude is to consider whether it is in your interest. Certainly, your achievements will "temporarily" increase your value and your sense of happiness. As a result, your motivation will also increase. However, as a result, you will be driven to improve yourself as a more valuable person, and you will start to try to avoid being "average". You will work hard to "win" and you will win, so you will think that you can like yourself even more!
This excessive attitude means that when work or studies are going well, you will always be absorbed in work or studies, and you will not be able to feel joy or satisfaction in anything else.
If you quit work or school, or if you do not achieve results, you will feel a terrible emptiness inside your heart. So you will become more and more addicted to work or studies. And when your performance does not improve, you will feel worthless. If you are not careful, you may even fall into a severe depression thinking that you are worthless and that you are not a "good person".
If you are too absorbed in your work and do not take care of your family, distortions will inevitably occur. It can also damage your health. These things happen because you have not established your true self-worth, and it is clearly to your detriment.
Success does not guarantee happiness. Success and happiness are not the same thing, and there is no causal relationship between them.
Therefore, you should stop this futile pursuit of building tall buildings on sand. Your mindset, not your success, is the key to your mood, so the excitement of victory will soon fade. In middle age or early old age, as the illusion of glamorous success in business begins to crumble, more and more people seek treatment. They end up asking themselves, "I've been looking for success, but what is my life about?"
Most people are by no means great successes, but many are still happy and are moderately respected by those around them. From this, it is clear that happiness and love cannot be obtained only from success. There is no connection between happiness and great achievements.
If you have time, what kind of achievements did famous warlords in Japan's Sengoku period achieve, and how did they end up? Or what kind of lives did successful businessmen live after that? It would be a good idea to look into that. For example, in the Sengoku period, you should look into the life and aftermath of Takeda Shingen, and in business, you should look into the life and aftermath of Napoleon Hill. You will probably feel that happiness is not your forte.
So how can you gain self-esteem regardless of your work performance? First, there is a practical and philosophical method. You need to realize that human "value" is essentially abstract and does not actually exist. Rather than seeking "value," you should seek satisfaction, joy, new knowledge, mastery, or personal growth and companionship in your daily life.
Next, you need to understand that self-esteem is lost through self-blame and unnecessary and irrational thoughts.
For example, the president of a local construction company is more confident than the president of a large company in a certain industry who continues to fear the wishes of the founder's parents.
Next, you can gain self-esteem by treating yourself like your best friend.
Treat yourself as you would treat an important customer. It may be surprising, but there are so many people who do not do this. (Actually, I used to be like that, too.)
If you can't get away from the idea of achievement above all else, use the usual triple column method to add a realistic and objective counterargument. Let's take me as an example.
[Automatic thinking]
If I don't become a better counselor, I won't be able to achieve much, and I won't be praised as a talented counselor by everyone. (Caution! I don't actually think this way.)
[Rational response]
I volunteer as a counselor, but even so, I have been able to contribute to the other person in over 2,000 cases. If I become better, the quality and quantity of my contributions may increase, but I am still able to contribute and feel happy.
I don't need to be seen as talented, so I plan to continue my activities anonymously. That way I can truly think about the happiness of my client and provide pure counseling that is not related to profit.
In other words, the following formula emerges for the three factors of "approval addiction," "love hunger," and this time's "work-study addiction (value dependence)."
I am recognized by others. →
I have love. → Therefore! I must be valuable!
I have love. → Therefore! I must be valuable!
Succeeding at work. →
And all three of the above patterns depend on factors other than yourself.
If you can recognize this mechanism and improve it, approval addiction, love addiction, and work addiction (value addiction) will all be eliminated at the same time!
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